rhythmic road

(track one -"mama's just a little girl" by Tupac Shakur) .

I was born in Minneapolis, MN on August 12 1986 to a 16 year old Stacy hulsey , the circumstances were stacked against us from the very start , as her rise in blood pressure called for the staff at North Memorial Hospital to perform an emergency cesarean dilevery. It wouldnt be my last brush with death.

I was always one of the most liked students by my grade school teachers , although i didnt always use my people skills for good. Some days i would keep other students on task , other days i would start a riot. Either way i enjoyed the leadership. Other kids literally would check with me to see what we were gonna do that day like i was the teacher. I was naturally gifted at anything i applied myself to, basketball, artwork, school subjects, you name it. At age 11, i won the Diamond Nationals tae kwon do Tournamment 1st place trophy for sparring. Me and two friends also won the 'hoop it up' three on three tournament.

(track two-"ooh child" by marvin gaye)

My understanding of life was morphed in 1998, when my big cousin, leader, and probably my best friend at the time, Steven Miller was sentenced to prison at the age of 17 for murdering his mother, my aunt , Renee. He had smoked some PCP and in a dispute over cigarette money, he shot her in the head and burned down the house. He woke up in jail with no recollection of what happened, when he learned what he had done he went crazy . They have to keep him on meds to keep him from reality, as it leads to him having psycho episodes. I spent alot of time and exerted a great deal of energy trying understand how something like this happening was even possible in a world where god loved everyone , furthermore how something like this was allowed to happen in my family.

(track three-"land of the snakes " by j cole)

High School at North High was an experience, especially since i was never supposed to attend there. I had forged my own transfer sheet from Richfield High so i could be with my friends. I was splashed into a melting pot filled with dilinquents , artists and scholars. I could easily adapt to any of the three. Its north Minneapolis that i met some of my closest lifelong friends, some of my fiercest enemies, and partners in crime. I attended multiple scholarship programs and it seemed a university was around the corner, though something in my mind was always pulling me in another direction.

(track four- "dont stop believing" by journey)

It was sometime sophmore year when i got the news that one of my best friends from childhood was murdered by his girlfriend . Damon Smith. He was the steel that sharpened my blade all throughout our tae kwon do journey. He kicked like a mule and could punch like a gorilla.He lived down the street from me and we would spend days at a time at eachothers house. I was in desperate need to make sense of things once again. I responded to a traveling sales group ad in the newspaper and you guessed it, I took the midnight train ... going anywhere. I landed in Kentucky where i was accepted into a group of fun loving souls that showed me the intricate art of door to door magazine sales . We traveled through Kentucky east and eventually into Florida. This two month blur was a highpoint of my life though i wouldnt come to realize that initially. All we did was sing and play music in our vans in the morning on our way to our target neighborhoods (which often had 'no solicitation ' pinned at the gates). Then at night we would compare our sales numbers and share bonuses. The people we sold magazines to were so cool, so wealthy and interesting. Thats til i had a racially motivated incident in a Jacksonville neighborhood. Luckily a good man beckoned me to come into his home for safety and let me call for my ride. He even had his wife fry us some chicken while we waited. I dont know if was the fried chicken or the racial tension in the air but i was ready to go home.

(track five-"killers" by j cole)

I had attended Dunwoody College of Technology for a few semesters. What led me to taking an indefinite hiatus was the strange combination of my program director and my extra curricular street life i had increasingly made myself available for. My program director, Mike was on the verge of holding me back for a third consecutive semester due to my having only a C grade when a B+ was neccesary to pass on a scholarship. Looking back it was definitely me not him that was the problem, but i remember thinking to myself at the time as all those kids with lower grades than me moved on ahead of me to the next semester ," whats the damn point if you can just pay to be dumb?" I was in the advisors office line trying to ake an appointment to meet with mike when i got the news that some tension that me and some of my friends we having with another group of guys , had spilled over. They had murdered my friend Emanuel (edub). I can remember the line reforming and usurping my place as i left out . For some reason when i seen that i knew that would be last time in that office.

I pulled into the alley where a bunch of my friends and Emanuel's family were congregating and paying respects (crying, pouring liquor onto the sidewalk, doing tattoos ). I gave a few hugs and took some drinks for what seemed to be a very short time before the whole alley was packed. Packed with not just my friends but older kids i didnt know that well, and some grown men that i had never met at all. Amongst these grown men being Nino, he was like the boss of every young black kid in the neighborhood. Everyone respected him , emulated him, protected him, etc.

Most of the kids my age were leaving and i was getting ready to leave soon when a dark pontiac cruised down 28th st passed our alley and all hell broke lose. "thats them right there thats the @#%'s ", nino yells. Everyone is in a frenzy and the mood swings. I just wanna go home. "whos car is that right there?", nino is saying as he surveys the group. " Thats Terry car" says fucking nate! i wanted to break his nose. " cmon we goin after that car " nino declares as he and two of the older guys walks up to my car. I just wanna go home.

"Thats them way up there !" "drive!" "turn left!" "Speed up little nigga!" "Turn right!"

"aw look there go &%$#@ drinking a MGD"

"oh yall celebrating after yall just killed my homie?!"

(track 6 " falling" by jay z )

I was 26 sitting in the county jail for my second gun charge when i finally had some time to think. I had a 4 year old daughter that needed me that i missed badly. I had caught multiple charges and done a few short runs in jail but everytime i bumped heads with the law the stakes were higher and the charges seemed to be getting more serious, and this time was definitely the worst so far. All my nerd friends from my past were starting to reap the fruits of staying their course. The girls who had a thing for me were flourishing and had forgotten me and everyone i had kept in my life was either in a situation like mine or worse. I had three cars that were investigated for being shot up. I had been evicted from my apartment because residents felt unsafe. I looked in the grimy cell mirror , my hair was crazy , my eyes were even crazy. There was this sumer day my mom found a note at our door from my 5th grade teacher, he was so sure i had went on to conquer the world in some way. He expressed how honored he was to have brushed shoulders with such a young great mind and how he has never went out of his way this far for an old graduated student. What the fuck happened? I was a piano playing, play acting, tournament winning,comic drawing, story writing, student tutoring, animal whispering prodigy. I was crushed under the sadness i felt for that boy my teacher had known , the boy my sweet mother had raised... the boy i held still while the world suffucated him.

(track 7 " diamonds" by rihanna )

September 4th 2008, I held my beautiful precious baby girl Nieyomi Adams for the first time. Looking in her eyes that moment is the only time i felt promised that tomorrow would come. In 2013 when she was 5 she told me that even though we dont like the rain it makes the trees and flowers grow so we need rain because it might make us grow too. I had a new focus in my life and that was to make her the best person i posibly could, but as time went by it was clear that it was my character that was improving as well needed , she is naturally a great human and she has done a fine job of raising me .

(track 8 " love hurts" aerosmith version)

In second grade , this beautiful little classmate of mine named Whitney worked up the courage to come ask me did I like her. I told her the God's honest truth, "Yea I do" . Several minutes later the whole class is giggling and she's blushing and my friends are teasing me for having a girlfriend. Under the pressure i made what may have been the worst mistake of my life . "That is NOT my girlfriend !", and there it was . She was crushed. I felt so bad and conflicted, after all i didnt really know what i had agreed to in the first place . I dont know this energy from that day cursed my lovelife for all eternity , or if it was simply a show of more mishandlings to come , but i would never quite figure that arena out . There was Briana, Ashley, Tamara, Charvelle, Alexis, Alishia, Ashlynn, Arshanae & Mia , Sharrell ,Candice, Todaysha, Taneisha, Darnitia, Mya,Nikki and probably someone left out the point is I never quite see anything when its there..only after its gone. Maybe a father being consistently in my company would have helped me love better , control myself better , maybe learn from someone elses mistakes and not my own. They'll probably say that i broke their heart , and thats true, but my heart isn't broken.. even worse it's shattered into all those pieces that they all still have.

(track 8 "allstar" by smashmouth)

Around 2016 i had mostly transitioned from blue collar to white collar crimes. It was the time of my life. I could spoil my kid and also travel while affording expensive toys and clothing. I attended parties in Las Vegas with Puff Daddy and Allen Iverson. I spent whats mortgage money for most to get into events, go backstage or be VIP. Honestly what i enjoyed most was always being dependable when someone needed me. Knowing that people considered me as someone they could count on. It was the best feeling in the world.

This is around the time i met Harvey Williams, one of the coolest dudes on the northside. Harvey was a few years younger than me but we knew the same people. He reminded me of my bestfriend in highschool, Chris. People used to say me and chris looked like brothers and we do actually look alike, but that isnt what made us brothers, it was the test of fire that our friendship had withstanded when we were co-defendants . Chris was murdered after we graduated and i never really cared to have another close friend until me and Harvey bonded. Harvey is either Robin or Batman depending on the night but we partied in the streets furiously.For years we pick up girls after just meeting them, make close relations with pretty much every bartender and bouncer in the city, and created ten million hangover stories. Not only do we have a great time, we share a love for basketball and competition so often we had rivalry's in the video game and on the actual basketball court. Funny thing is he thinks he can dress better than me , so we go to the mall and try to out shop one another. I even invested in a mutual friends clothing line with Harvey as the ambassador and model while i do the artwork. We call it Cakes and Commas and its actually doing very well.

We throw pool parties at my moms house and give everybody cool nicknames. He's a part of the family til this day. I have to thank my boy Harvey for reminding me that im still young and there's still so much fun in the world.

(track 9 "heaven couldnt wait"by beyonce)

September 19 two years ago i was running on my treadmill in my apartment complex gymnasium. I worked up a decent sweat before moving on to the dumbells and got some good bicep curls in. As im struggling with the on the benchpress i see my phone has slipped out my pocket and the notifactions are blinking. I stay disciplined and finish my reps, besides what can't wait 30 more seconds right? i look at the missed calls and its my friend Marshall 8 times my cousin Darell 3 times and a bunch of other people . "Whats the big Idea" Im wondering as i call Marshall back.

"hello?"

"yo whats good? I got a few dollars for you"

"It aint about that, cuz"

"oh..ok"

"You talked to Harvey?"

"about an hour ago he said he wanted some liquor in him "

"call him again.. somebody just got smoked on 49th by the Camden bar they sayin its Harvey"

"ok"

Im not even bothered at this point because people are generally dumb and dont have their facts straight so ill just call Harvey and tell him how crazy these people are talking and laugh, i can already picture the post he'll make on his facebook about this. He doesnt answer . Probably getting called by everybody trying to reassure the whole world he's ok. Marshall calls again. I Ignore it and call Harvey again. No answer. Marshall calls again. I answer this time.

"yea?"

"yea its Harvey cuz"

I just press 'end'. As I walk in my apartment i can see my friend Harvey sitting at the island in the kitchen where he always sits. I thought if my mind was strong enough i could keep him there, but when i seen my empty apartment for what it truly was is when i burst into tears. I thought about Emanuel and Damon and Chris and Deon and Webbie and Tyrone and now Harvey sitting in a room with all of them. I couldnt understand, what was so wrong about me having a friend? Im actually a realist and I understand probability, a number of my friends drastically increased the likelihood of their own murder by living and behaving a certain way. Im not in a constant state of confused victimhood. Harvey was a school teacher. He didnt sell drugs , he didnt start trouble .. He only really argued with me. Why would the creator hand pick Harvey? Simple .The same reason he handpicked your other friends. But why would the creator hate me that much? Is there something that Im not learning? Is there no creator? is everything just action and reaction with no meaning? Does anything matter? obviously not. Whats the difference. Why not me next?

(track 10 "something in the way" by nirvanna)

Either my mind or apartment is a forest of empty cognac bottles. Somewhere in that forest is a pit of hatred thick as black tar . I was sitting at the bottom of that pit with my legs crossed,eyes closed, tar in my lungs.

I still managed to build on that and make things worse. Apparently while I was in my sad drunk stupor at the bottom of the tar pit I managed to get three women pregnant! What the actual fuck.Meanwhile I get pulled over in a car full of gang members and guns shortly after Harvey's death. Even though i wasnt charged with that gun it gave way to another investigation that eventually helped to get my apartment raided.

So here's me. 35 years old three babies on the way moving back in with my mom . I got 72 months over my head from the judge plus i dont even know for sure who ratted me out so im too scared to continue on that same occupational risk. So Im broke looking for a source of income as i check yes to the criminal question on every application. I haven't even had a chance to digest my best friends passing in all honesty. Somebody please just help me hang myself.

(track 11 " pursuit of happiness" by kid kudi)

I decided that sometimes some things just dont provide closure and people have be ok even when theyre not ok sometimes. If a consistent thought becomes your mood, and your consistent mood becomes your character then i could reverse this whole thing myself with no help at all. I enrolled in film school and finished. I've participated in a few small projects but the schooling was more so I could have the know how for myself. Im proud of myself for not only what I put behind me, but for what i've put in front of myself. I have a screenplay that im developing and in my opinion its actually pretty damn good. Ive been taking stock trading instruction from an online course and im nearly profitable. Stock trading seemed like an ideal means of income seeing as though its going to be hard to find a work schedule around three infants unless i do some kind of work from home. Although it took some time for me to accept and embrace, I love my 3 babies and im ready to take on a new challenge of becoming wealthy by totally legitimate avenues. Ive let go of the fact ive wasted so much time. Ive let go of the fact im an ineligible bachelor now with all these children. Ive let go of all the people that dont love me correctly and the people that drain energy and the people who I feel would be happy to see me in a rough patch. You know? the people who didnt belong around in the first place. I made a really great friend in Harvey's Daughters (my god child's) mom. We kind of found eachother in this dark space and started to climb out together and the journey has been amazing! I love her for so many reasons, in so many different ways. It took for me to be stripped of everything to find myself, and finally rely on and trust my intelligence and talent. Mentally Im finally where i should have been decades ago, and from the ground.. theres only one direction, up.

(outro "I wont back down" by tom petty)