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Remember Who The F*ck You Are

The 'Anti-Valentines' Playlist for when love turns to war

By Kayleigh Fraser ✨Published 3 years ago Updated 8 months ago 21 min read
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Remember Who The F*ck You Are
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Valentine's Day 2021.

A blessed handful of us may actually be in loving, nurturing, healthy relationships with adult humans capable of genuine empathy and intimacy (a genuine congratulations).

For the rest of us who are recently separated, divorced or have lost ourselves in toxic relationships that we cant quite escape from; this 'Anti-Valentines Day' playlist is for you. Especially for, and essential for you. These are the songs that have helped me to supercharge my self respect, self esteem and confidence over the years. Some are not my usual style or genres of music, possibly not yours either, but I ask you to keep an open mind, and an open heart.

Music has the power to transform our emotions. It can help us turn fear into love, despair into hope and sadness into joy. It has the power to make us move our bodies. It can help us to feel a sense of connection with the world whenever we feel lost or lonely. Knowing that others are suffering as we are connects us in a way that can facilitate healing.

Many of us will have spent the past year in what has been a strange isolation, finding ourselves unable to make new connections and move forward with our lives. I hope that we can all feel a little more connected by the end of this article.

The statistics suggest that the majority of us have experienced dating (or marrying) another human who exudes highly narcissistic tendencies. If you are one of the unfortunate empaths who fell into the lion's den, then is likely that you have found yourself hosting repeated in-home lectures to your partner on the basics of kindness, human decency & respect. Perhaps you even felt the need to google the dictionary definitions of words such as 'empathy' in order to prove to them it is a real 'thing'.

Following a relationship like this, you are likely to be suffering an immense amount of confusion, self doubt and anger. Narcissistic people know exactly how to keep pulling at our heart strings in ways that keep us involved in their toxicity for lengthy periods of time. We know that they are not treating us well, yet we still try our hardest to continue loving them in spite of their coldness.

Some of us end up exchanging our self esteem, self confidence and sparkle for the idea that they will soon return to being the person we first fell in love with. We ignore the way they continually humiliate or embarrass us, nursing wounds that they repeatedly inflict upon us, eternally hoping for that 'breakthrough' moment to come.

You know the one. The moment when they suddenly realise how awfully they have been treating you, they sweep you into their arms and repeat all the promises you have already heard, but this time they will follow through with them. They suddenly realise how precious we are, how loving & patient we have been towards them.

They promise us from this moment on that they will never again shout at us when we are upset. They will stop their hurtful passive aggressive behaviour and repeatedly pushing us away with their anger. They will realise in one beautiful, enlightening moment that they have an internal problem that they have been projecting onto us for months / years / decades. They will suddenly see how much suffering they have inflicted upon us while we were continually loving and supportive of them. They will profusely apologise and they will mean it. They will once again become that dazzling, beautiful soul that we vaguely remember meeting once upon a long time ago. And everyone will live happily ever after.

Coming back to reality for a second; didn't we always know deep down that would never be? If I am truly honest with myself, I always did. I was eternally hopeful, yes. But once you begin to see that their severe lack of care / respect / empathy for you is a pattern, you know it won't change. Some of the obvious red flags? When you find yourself frequently explaining to a grown human the same things that you would to a 5 year old child.

When you are yet again explaining that you feel constantly on edge because their moods are so volatile. You try to gently suggest that they spend more time alone, relaxing or with friends because their energy is becoming intolerable (you don't dare say the last part out loud, of course) only to find that now they begin aggressively excusing their anger, stating a lack of time alone, relaxation or time with friends as reasons?! Which will also somehow become your fault.

You repeatedly try addressing that their angry outbursts trigger your deepest wounds and fears. This time they coldly laugh in your face, finding apparent pleasure in your anxiety and fear. Perhaps they respond by telling you that it's your fault they are treating you this way. After all, you are too sensitive or simply misinterpreting them.

They insist that they are not mean, their tone is not harsh - the problem is just how you perceive them. You are capable of feeling their emotion, but you are repeatedly told they are not angry. They may even go on to tell you are only angry because you are accusing them of being angry. (They never see this denial and admission as a contradiction either, and you don't dare to point it out). You can see in their eyes that they are genuinely convinced you are the problem, and will go to the ends of the earth to keep this ego-story in tact.

The ego-story they tell themselves is that they are a kind, loving person, and so it must be your fault that they cannot behave this way around you. They have a deep need to believe that no fault lies with them. This need is so strong that the truth is no longer of any consequence.

You will be painted in the worst light to anyone who will listen. All the while you try to maintain understanding of this seemingly crazy behaviour and convince yourself that this human is hurting worse than you are. After all, happy people don't hurt people.

When it comes to dating angry, mean, narcissistic people - I have been through the Olympics. I have many books' worth of stories in this department and sadly, I know I am not alone. I know that there are tens of thousands of people who have experienced the extremes of abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to protect them from harm.

It always adds an extra layer of hurt when a person uses your own vulnerabilities and openness against you. You have trusted them with some of your most painful memories and life events, only to be told some time later that it is your own fault you were treated so badly.

We confide and trust in our partners in order to create intimacy and closeness, yet we find the narcissist only listens in order to study us, to gather information as a detective would on a criminal to use against them at a later date.

Often the calmer you remain when a narcissist is projecting anger onto you, the worse their viciousness becomes. I can recall trying to remove myself from many situations that had become quickly heated. Many times I was followed and cornered. Even when I pleaded with the words "you are scaring me, please stop" this would be met with mocking laughter.

I'll bet that we could bridge the pacific ocean with the world's written accounts of narcissistic abuse and the empaths suggestions for how to try harder to love them. Love is something that you only try to do with those who repeatedly hurt us. Those who repeatedly hurt us should never be in the privileged position of girlfriend / boyfriend / life partner / husband /wife / friend ever, ever again.

Sometimes all we can do is walk away. Pick up our dignity and take our love to where it will be mirrored back at us, and not lost in an abyss. The narcissist is deeply wounded, unable to sustain their own positive energy and so steal from others who can. Often they are alcoholics and drug addicts who are self-medicating away their shame.

Continually numbing their emotions to avoid feeling the guilt that would inevitably arise if they ever allow themselves to truly feel. Your need for genuine connection & intimacy is a threat to the facade they created. And in their world, threats must be eliminated. They can craft just enough energy to keep friends and family convinced of their goodness, but behind closed doors you meet a very different being.

Please know that there is nothing you could have said or done in a better way to help this person to find genuine love and empathy in their heart. Something dark resides within them and the only thing you can do is protect yourself by putting distance between you and them.

So, for those of you on Spotify, here's the link to get your inner God or Goddess Supercharging started...

1. THE ONE WITH ATTITUDE

The opening of this song is one of the most powerful affirmations you could need in regards to some healthy self worth! If there was ever a song to get you motivated to see your value and get yourself out of (or over) a toxic relationship - this is the one. I'm not generally a fan of rap music (mainly because women are frequently referred to as 'b*tches' and 'ho's' and I don't appreciate this culture), but exceptions are made during exceptional times! The beat and lyrics are pure attitude. Listen loud and resuscitate your self-respect.

2. THE CHEESY ONE

This song is golden! Upbeat, empowering and exactly the TLC you need to remind you that being single is wonderful. Wasting energy over someone who doesn't love you is so 2020. Let's ensure Valentines Day 2021 is filled with love for the most important relationship you will ever have: the one with yourself. We are not anti-love. We are anti toxicity.

3. THE ANGRY ONE

"Be careful with me. Do you know what you're doing? Who's feelings you bruising and hurting? It's not a threat it's a warning. Be careful with me."

She wanted to get married, he cheated. She's angry and she's pouring it out in this song. All the things you may want to say to an ex, but your higher self knows it would be pointless. Crank this up. Feel the anger in her lyrics. Feel the attitude in the verses. And with every chorus, soften. You don't need to tell anyone, ever, that you're worth more than how they treat you - you just need to know it so deeply that you carry it into every relationship from here on. The only person you ever need to trust is yourself. We give others chances to show us who they are and how important we are to them. The important part is to listen and believe what their actions tell you. Not their words.

4. THE BEAUTIFUL ONE

"I'm not asking for too much, I'm asking the wrong m*therf*cker"

Alina's voice is beautiful, the song is delicate, the message is empowering and positive. I love the rainfall in the intro and throughout the song. I can feel my shoulders softening as I listen, I realise I've been holding my breath and take in the deepest one I've taken all day. After releasing some anger with Cardi B, it's a relief to come down a few levels to a more peaceful place again. You know your worth, you weren't treated according to it and you left. Carrying that anger with you is like holding onto a hot coal - it will only harm you and its imperative that you release it. Alina is singing about exactly this. Leaving the past in the rearview mirror and looking forward to the life that you have yet to experience

"Here's to; good people, good nights, good highs, good health, some tears, some stress but I count my blessings, here's to good music, great sex, better times to feel alive, better times to get it right".

She absolutely nails the advice here. The key to a better life is focussing on what you want, not what you don't. If there is one song you choose to listen to this 'Anti-Valentines" Day, please let it be this.

5. THE REMINDER

If you are listening alone, please please sing this chorus to yourself!

"Money cannot buy all the love that's here tonight".

If you are listening with your best friend, pour out love to him / her as you sing this chorus for them. As with Cardi B's 'Be Careful' there's a deep frustration being released in the verses, and a calming feel to the chorus. This song is another honest and empowering beauty that reminds us to keep moving forward, counting our blessings.


6. THE PERSPECTIVE SHIFT

This song is an absolute wildcard on this Anti-Valentine's Playlist. The electronic 80's beats are paired with words about young people being sent to the Vietnam war. I admit this is a strange entry, but it is here for a higher purpose. We can so easily become caught up in the control dramas of a narcissist that we often lose perspective on the wider world, forgetting that there are others who have suffered far worse than us. There is a famous quote by Helen Keller that comes to mind here, one that always helps me to gain perspective when I find myself dwelling too long on my own hurts.
"I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no legs"
It served as a reminder to her to overcome her own self-pity and to be of service to others. Something we can perhaps all benefit from being reminded of. Imagine how much good we could do if we weren't wasting our good energy sustaining just one human being.

7. THE COUNTRY ONE

Beautiful soft country vibes from two Swedish sisters, who understand that sometimes we can lose ourselves in another human being. This song is so unusual that I felt it should be included. As with all good country songs, it tells a story. And this one may be familiar to you.

8. THE ONE TO MAKE YOU LAUGH

This one is a release from seriousness. A friend once sent it to me after a particularly challenging relationship breakdown and it made me laugh out loud for what was the first time in a long time. I hope that it does the same for you. Perhaps you listen with a specific person in mind, narcissistic abuse as a general topic, or you are thinking in terms of being 'Anti-Valentines' & against capitalism's commercialisation of romance. Laughter is one of the most important tonic medicines for our body and mind and we could always use a little more! Blast it and uncover your inner rock-child.

9. THE SONG VACATION

There are so many versions of this song, but this is my personal favourite. It is very much about drawing a line between the past and present. We know what we will not accept from someone, we have established through experience what we will no longer tolerate.

"Actions speak louder than words"

"Baby if you want me, you've got to show me love".

Could there be a more perfect song for this playlist? This song is very much about reinforcing the standards you have set for your worth, and a positive reminder not lower them ever again. If you close your eyes and dance to this song, you easily transport yourself to a tropical island, under the stars with the waves crashing in the background. Thats where the music takes me every time, let it carry you away too.

10. THE FOLK ONE

This song is beautiful. It persuades us of life being short, gently encouraging us that maybe it's time to leave the past behind, in terms of heartbreak. Beautiful verses show us the artist has experienced where we are at and for 4:26 will hold your heart. The last line "Maybe it's time to tell you, I cant be without you anymore" can be sung to yourself. We often abandon ourselves in pursuit of love from another. We dull down the voice of that our inner child screaming for our attention, and we do some crazy self sabotaging things in pursuit of finding that love out-with ourselves. Maybe this is the time to give that love to ourselves. For ourselves. Maybe that's the most important thing we will ever do. Maybe it's time.

11. THE OLDEN GOLDEN ONE

A beautiful reminder that a bad day is not a bad life. Mr Morrison has beautifully worded what happens when all of the drama in our lives falls away. When we put distance between toxic people and ourselves. The peaceful, positive vibe the song brings with music is complimented perfectly with lyrics to live by. Sometimes all we have to do is step away in order to restore our own inner peace.

12. THE PHILOSOPHICAL ONE

A song that has the potential to help you experience reality differently. Beautifully soft and harmonic music has been coupled with a part speech about the nature of reality by great philosopher Alan Watts. If you have never heard of him, I highly recommend searching YouTube for his full lecture on the spectrum of love. What better way to spend a commercially hyped up 'romantic' day than listening to what may be a new perspective on the true meaning of love. After all, if we don't really know what we are seeking, how will we find it? It's easy to confuse being anti-commercialism, anti-Valentines with being anti-love. Anyone who claims to be anti-love is not being honest, or they have never experienced true love. Love does not possess, it does not control, it does not hurt. Love is not what many co-dependant, misguided songs will have you believe. Love is something so much deeper and purer. It is an infinite energy that does not deplete, rather, it creates joy.

13. THE WARM BLANKET

I don't know what it is about this song, but it has the power to take me out of all of my troubles. This is another beauty that I want you to close your eyes and start to slowly sway with. By the middle I hope you too are dancing in the present moment without a care or a worry in mind or body. Exercise is one of the essential ways for us to move all of those toxic emotions and energies out of our bodies, especially the deep hurts from past relationships. What better exercise can you think of than dancing? Sway and flow with the music, let it carry you away. Let it envelop you in its beauty and softness. Let it spark your hope and imagination once again.

14. THE SELF WORTH ONE

This woman is an extremely talented fellow Scot who has gone on to receive worldwide acclaim for her stunning voice and poetic song writing skills. This is one of the most inspiring songs I have ever heard. I believe she hits the metaphorical nail on the head with her lyrics "we are all wonderful, wonderful people, so when did we all get so fearful?".

We are all wonderful people. Even your narcissistic ex is wonderful. You wouldn't have fallen for them otherwise! Admittedly they have some seriously dysfunctional issues in regards to relationships / intimacy / interactions with the opposite sex / all of the above. However, underneath that hurricane of apparent evil, is a tortured and wounded child who is more fearful than even they realise. This doesn't mean that you are the person to give it to them, or that you are supposed to remain in their firing line. I read so many articles that tell you how evil the narcissist is, and although I used to subscribe to this idea; it's wrong. The biggest difference between you and your toxic ex is that they deeply fear intimacy. On a subconscious level, they are protecting themselves from a perceived threat. If you look to the other relationships in their life, you will find them to be highly superficial. About time, dates, places, problems, events. They will rarely, if ever discuss deep feelings or intimate thoughts. How can they trust anyone with such personal information when they have used yours to hurt you so many times. We all unconsciously believe other people to be like us. Their fear is that if they are vulnerable, you will know how to hurt them. It is a tragedy, but I promise you there is no amount of reassurance that can fix this. They need to do the internal work to become a kinder human being before they will be capable of trusting in the kindness of others. You cannot facilitate this.

We ALL exhibit narcissism to some degree. Some is healthy, some is not. We all blur these lines and cross into grey areas at times. It is easy to get lost in bitterness, resentment or anger over relationships in which we were not valued or we were mistreated. However, it is important that we do not get stuck there. These negative emotions are toxic to our health.

Many people, like my younger self, would recoil at the word 'anger' and deny this emotion. I thought myself to be sweet, loving & kind. I would cry when I was upset. I never shouted back. How could I possibly be accused of being angry when I was so very sad? To anyone with these thoughts, please take in this statement.

Depression is anger turned inwards.

15. THE BLUESY ONE

Ohh this song! It is lyrical sunshine for your soul. The song is about being brought to your knees by life, but picking yourself back up, dusting off, and learning how to shine again.

16. THE SELF-CONFIDENCE BOOSTER

This is a charming and sweet song to remind you of how you should be spoken to, treated and loved by another. This one is straight from my heart to yours.

THE LOVE SONG

The last pick on our Anti-Valentines Day list is indeed a love song.

Surprised?

I too dislike the worldwide commercialisation of romance, the pressure put upon couples for gifts to be exchanged and surprises planned. It all feels so tired and forced. I also appreciate that this day can have even the strongest of us comparing ourselves to friends or acquaintances who are being showered in gifts. We can turn away and say we don't care about this day, but we cant turn away from not feeling cared for.

My take on an Anti-Valentines Day playlist is anti commercialism, clichéd love songs (that are often more about co-dependancy than love) & pretence, but it is in no way anti-love. This playlist is a gift for anyone who feels themselves slipping down the slope of comparison or indifference. We know that love is not something that should be expressed on one day of a year, through a medium of gifts. Love is a philosophy of life. It is an energy that we choose to embody and share with all living beings and the earth that we inhabit.

We must never close off to love. The second we close off to love, we no longer embody it. This is the path to illness and disease. Love is essential to our wellbeing and our success in life. It is said that you cannot create love any more than you can create silence. Silence is what exists when all the noise falls away. Love is what exists when all fear, jealousy, comparison, envy, defensiveness, aggression and hate falls away. Our purest, most natural state of being. The true essence of love is beautiful, essential and never to be turned away from. It is not just for fairytales. True love exists and is alive all over the world if you open your heart to feel it.

I truly hope you enjoyed this article, whether from a perspective of learning about toxic relationships or from one of feeling like you are not suffering alone. Believe me, when you open up these conversations with others, and we stop hiding how we are really treated behind closed doors - it connects us on a profoundly deep level. Let us promise to seek to understand each other more, and love each other this Valentine's Day. We choose what festivals and holidays we celebrate, and we choose how to celebrate them. We can change the narrative of Valentine's Day to anything we want it to mean. We choose. Societal pressure is merely an idea in our heads that we can release at any time. Redefine the meaning of this day to something that brings you and those you love joy every year. There is no room for anything but love for ourselves and others from 2021 onwards.

And if you are able to share a little love back with me, I would absolutely adore a coffee ❤️

with love, 



Kayleigh

playlist
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About the Creator

Kayleigh Fraser ✨

philosopher, alchemist, writer & poet with a spirit of fire & passion for all things health & love related 💫

“When life gives you lemons,

Know you are asking for them.

If you want oranges, focus on oranges”

🍊🍋💥🍋🍊

INSTAGRAM - kayzfraser

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