Question of faith

There are plenty of ways to reveal a person's inner workings. You may one, simply ask them a variety of random questions, two, ask their friends what kind of character they possess and three check their playlist categories.

For instance, to understand truthfully is to understand what resides deeply in their makeup. And if you were to have a glimpse into my playlist folders, you may acquaint yourself with something I am fully aware of.

Through this piece, you will figure out rather quickly that I was a product of my environment and in my younger years was a ticking timebomb. My skin would rupture easily and the small fuse in me sparked quite rapidly and frequently.

It didn’t take long to agitate my last nerve because I never had one (a last nerve). It was crystal clear that something plagued me. I just couldn’t put a finger on the problem.

Nasty nightmares crept in every night reminding me that ghosts exist. They ran alongside me during the day, but the conscious mind ignores the subliminal. It wasn’t until the pieces started to fit and those night screams soon yelled through a mirror’s reflection.

To relate my feelings is to quote Bruce Banner from the original Avengers movie. “that’s my secret Cap...I’m always angry,” and in a flash, I could turn into the Hulk.

I would become that raging, rampaging force of nature wreaking havoc and destruction never knowing the real extent of my fury, misplacing its direction and target.

To explain further about this development wouldn’t do it justice; my list may help.

Most of the foundation into my love of music was and is to calm the savage beast, but on occasion, there are moments in your life that require an escape, and unleashing the monsters inside was part of the demand, case in point my Hulk reference.

As a teenager, you’re already trying to find ways to fit in with the other teens around you. You go through a gambit of emotions. Half the time you’re wondering whether you stink, look alright in your clothes, battling to get your hair exactly right, not to mention having the feeling of exposing yourself as an open wound.

“Aww you’re gross!” words I can still hear ringing in my ear to this day and I knew I showered that morning.

The war inside your brain is constantly rejoicing a win when someone says hello to you in the halls or waving the white flag in surrender when a clique of thugs laugh when you walk into the classroom. It is the roller coaster ride to influence one’s thoughts, test your will, fuel your confidence, or damage your psyche.

It is a test like no other and it can also strengthen or weaken your emotional spectrum which eventually can build character. Oh, and that last one tends to be loosely based on the choices we make. So, choose with extreme caution.

It was tough enough to deal with the normal parts of a teenager’s persona, what if you had already been tormented by inners demons; like myself. This story in itself has a story to portray and to the enormity of a burden felt all those years.

There’s been a deep confrontation with my beliefs and my faith. As a child raised under the Roman Catholic religious practice. It was difficult for me to believe God existed because for many years after my incident with the devil (My Voice to Share) I kept searching to the heavens to the simple question...why?

To my astonishment, the answer hadn’t been shared or revealed. I regularly found solace in the songs I would listen to, right or wrong they relieve me of the devastation. If it weren’t for the music and playing hockey during those intense moments, I think this particular story may not have been told.

Which will account for the evolution of my faith. I may not attend church every Sunday as I did when I was a boy, but I do believe in a higher power and we do have the occasional talk about the things we both wish other souls would take and be grateful.

All things have a purpose to the answers you seek...mine has two parts; telling my story and to cherish the love I have for my daughter.

Roughly a decade of my life and the pieces that combined to form the looking glass of hope through the depths of despair ... but then again it’s just one piece.

Stayed tuned for more ...

If you enjoyed this brief tale you can find more tidbits under my profile.