Numb but Full of Emotional Pain

Teen Angst Playlist

I grew up in the small town of Plainfield, Wisconsin. To give you an idea of how small, I graduated in a class of fifty. I was a stereotypical “nerd.” I loved school, but not for the reasons most people think. School was an escape from everyday stressors and home life. My parents were separated. I went to my dad’s house on the weekend and was with my mother during weekdays. Each set of parents had a very different type of lifestyle. I was constantly having to acclimate to rules, different believes and overall environments. Adding this to my teenage hormones and feeling often was more than I could handle.

Music got me through some of the most difficult times in life. When I was thirteen years old, my bus was hit by a semi-truck. I thankfully decided to stay after school for drama practice. However, due to this accident I lost one of my best friends at 13. His name was David. At that age, I had no clue what loss really was and how it would affect me.

I was a member of the band and loved music. Music wasn’t something I just listened to. It was something that became me. I played it, I sang it, I felt it, and it was a part of me. I feel like if I would not have had music, I do not think I would have healthily coped with life and everything it threw at me.

1. Linkin Park: One Step Closer https://youtu.be/4qlCC1GOwFw

First on the music play list is One Step Closer by Linkin Park. Linkin Park was a huge part of me dealing with my teenage emotions. It spoke to me.

“Saying everything I’ve said before. All these words they make no sense. I find bliss in ignorance.” This is exactly what being a teenage felt like to me. Communication is so difficult at this age. We are all trying to voice our opinions and feelings and it would come out as emotional word vomit. Aka, “all these words they make no sense.”

2.Linkin Park: In The End: https://youtu.be/eVTXPUF4Oz4

Second, on the play list is: In the end by Linkin Park. Several songs by Linkin Park were on my frequently played music. I felt so overwhelmed by the loss of my best friend, adjusting to the constant changes in homes, and overall teenage hormones.

“Watch it count down to the end of the day. The clock ticks life away, it's so unreal (It's so unreal). I tried so hard and got so far. But In the end it doesn’t even matter. I had to fall to lose it all. But in the end it doesn’t even matter.”

This is how it feels when you lose your best friend and keep going house to house. Of course, my feelings, the way I reacted, and overall acted was dramatic at times. At times, it felt like no matter what I did, it was not good enough. I tried so hard to work through the pain of loss and constant disappointment, yet never felt like it made any difference.

3. Linkin Park: Numb https://youtu.be/kXYiU_JCYtU

The last song from my Linkin Park list is Numb. I often felt numb as a teenager. I listened to several songs by Linkin Park on repeat. I am surprised that even my parents didn’t have these songs memorized.

Every time my parents and I got into an argument; I would listen to this song. “Don't know what you're expecting of me. Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes. Every step that I take is another mistake to you.”

Every choice I made, good or bad I felt like my parents were judging me. To me, “it is another mistake to you.” Of course, as an adult and as a mother, I realize that they were trying to shape me into a strong independent woman who could raise civil respectable children of my own one day.

4. Papa Roach: Scars https://youtu.be/eHbNU9WuVgw

I am not sure why, but when I first heard this song, I would just jam out. I cannot say I found it to be therapeutic, but it made it onto my teen angst playlist. These lyrics specifically were part of my “angry days.”

“I tear my heart open. I sew myself shut. My weakness is. That I care too much.”

This is one of two Papa Roach songs I had on my mp3 player that I played over and over again.

5. Papa Roach: Last Resorthttps://youtu.be/Hm7vnOC4hoY

This is the other Papa Roach song that I listened to on repeat. This song spoke to me. When I was a freshman in highschool, I dyed my hair dark brown (ended up looking black), wore a lot of black and grey, had several piercings, and wore a choker necklace along with a punk rock necklace. I thought I was so “cool” looking. I was into hard rock , heavy metal, and main stream music.

“Cut my life into pieces. I've reached my last resort. Suffocation. No breathing.” These are the lyrics I would jam out to. I found myself yelling these lyrics along with the band, and thought I was so “hard core.”

6. Three Days Grace: Pain https://youtu.be/Ud4HuAzHEUc

I still listen to Three Days Grace and know almost every word to every song. When I am feeling Nolstalgic, I still will crank this music in my car. My kids are now learning some of the lyrics to my favorite Three Days Grace songs.

“You're sick of feeling numb. You're not the only one. I'll take you by the hand. And I'll show you a world that you can understand.” As a teen I was in so much “emotional pain”, no one understood. No one except the artists that wrote and sang these songs. As mentioned earlier, as a teenager I thought I was “numb” yet I also thought I had the world’s most “emotional pain.” In reality, I had a lot of feelings and had no clue how to work through all of the emotions that come with being that age.

7. Avril Lavigne: Take Me Away https://youtu.be/LxNThKrDDss

Last on my teen angst playlist is Avril Lavigne. There were many songs, but this is one I listened to often. Like I keep stating, I thought I was so numb.

“You're sick of feeling numb. You're not the only one. I'll take you by the hand. And I'll show you a world that you can understand.”

When it came down to it, I was young and thought no one did or would ever understand any of my many emotions. Music is a beautiful thing given to us in life. We can use it to cope through loss, heartache, depression, and just hard days. We can use it to celebrate good news, great days, or just wanting to jam out. We can use it to rage, cry, laugh, or plain just be nostalgic.

My best friend in high school was 4 days younger than I was. We had our drivers test on the same day, and we got our license on the same day. We would drive around for hours cranking anything from Evanescence to Disturbed. We loved every genre of music and we let everyone know it. All of these songs on my playlist played a huge role in me growing up. It helped me work through loss of a best friend, through living in different types of situations, heartbreak, betrayal, and best of all celebrate some of the best days I have ever had.

Music will always be my go-to in life. While this was once a teen angst playlist, I still listen to these songs and jam out with my kids and or husband. Sometimes we listen to this music and laugh at how angry we were, sometimes he comforts me while I am still working through life’s heartaches, and sometimes I just want to crank the tunes and roll my windows down.