Nervous Young Man

Growing up I was always scared of pretty much everything and to this day I wouldn't be able to tell you why. I felt like making solid friendships and maintaining them was the only way I could be happy (realistically I still do). I'd say between the ages of 10-12 were really difficult and isolating, in which I felt a strong disconnect from the people around me and I didn't know who to talk to about it or what to do, I rarely slept well and I couldn't relax my mind. It was when I was 12 that I started to really get into music and understand how I wasn't alone in any of my feelings and I could resonate with these people. Below, I've attached my playlist, after which I want to describe why each of the songs listed are important to me at very specific and key moments in my teenage development.

Twenty One Pilots, Fall Out Boy and Moose Blood- 12-13 y/o

Whilst this isn't the proudest part of my musical history, I'd argue it's one of the most crucial. Moving to a new school with new people and a mildly unhealthy codependence meant I began scrambling for something to latch onto. For me, alternative pop and pop-punk filled that void and helped me to begin to overcome my insomnia, and I held onto my music whilst forcing it onto those around me (out of love) until it surrounded me and washed me in a wave of calm that I hadn't experienced before. Whilst I can hear the angst dripping off this music as I look back on it, it was my first insight to music that wasn't the top charts, and so began my teenage angst.

My Bloody Valentine, The Smiths, The Cure, The Frights, and The Wombats, Neutral Milk Hotel- 13-14 y/o

This is the part of my musical journey in which I began to discover music made before 2000, and also arguably begin to do some actual searching for bands I enjoyed. It's a bit unfortunate that the majority of the bands I found in this period were called "The ___s" and I would've liked a touch more originality, but the bands were either sonically different to anything I'd heard or lyrically touched on topics that really began to feel personal. Ironically, Here Comes The Anxiety was one of my favourite songs as a child with undiagnosed anxiety. This is probably the part of my journey that has the most impact though. Between The Smiths opening up a world of 80s-90s rock that I hadn't heard of before like the (arguably better) goth rock of The Cure and the sonic experimentation of My Bloody Valentine showing me the first signs of music that dared to be different, I was beginning to finally figure out who I was and who I wanted to be using the music I was listening to. A lot of the music from this time really shaped me, lyrics like "How strange it is to be anything at all" making me question existence for the first time (big thanks to Jeff Mangum for that one) whilst music like The Frights was explosive and liberated me from the awkward child I was.

Duckwrth, Earl Sweatshirt, Frank Ocean- 14 y/o

This was the first time my angsty music taste deviated from rock or pop and into RnB and hip hop. My brothers first put me on to Earl Sweatshirt and Frank Ocean, these two artists who were struggling to find their own identity and where they fit in the world. Luckily, this perfectly coincided with young Ewan's first existential crisis as he realised he was not immortal and needed to find a purpose to his life but also that he didn't need to try hard to fit in because if he really fit in, he wouldn't have to try (unfortunately 4 years later he still has not resolved any of this). Finding RnB and hip hop naturally was a massive hit for my musical journey, the range of my knowledge of how far music can go increased exponentially (Punk Rap? Jazz Rap? Who would've thought?) but for my teenage journey, it hit far deeper. For a teenager who was slowly realising that he could be himself, learning that the labels that had been put on him weren't set in stone was incomprehensible. I still can't figure out exactly who I am or where I exist in this world, but without Duckwrth, Earl Sweatshirt and Frank Ocean, I would undoubtedly be far more lost than I am now. Also, Frank Ocean was the first time I'd audibly cried to music so thank you for that experience.

Emo, post-rock, noise music, and everything inbetween- 15-17 y/o

This is the first point in my musical journey that I can no longer list all the artists that shaped me during this time. Even the playlist doesn't do it justice. I'd argue that this is probably my angstiest time as I went through my first break-up (hence the emo) and my anxiety decided it was a good time to peak again. In order to offset this, I threw myself into my music taste, and luckily there was enough of that to distract my mind for a good while. Bands like Mineral, American Football, and PUP opened their arms to me so that I could pretend that my problems were important enough to cry about and that I wasn't alone in being a sad, introverted teenager. By 15 I had adamantly decided that I was mature enough to be in a relationship and that I had life figured out. Of course, through the span of these few years, the world would show me time and time again just how wrong I was, leaving me with a few mental scars but overall a more solid grasp on how naive I am. I also began to listen to music that conveyed real, deep emotional pain that transcended my problems and made me aware of the better aspects of my life. Needless to say, A Crow Looked At Me was one of the first albums to truly break me as I listened to Phil Elverum recount the worst pain of his life in one of the rawest albums I've ever heard, and since that moment I have been able to relisten to it. On the other hand, I also began to accept that sometimes I just want to be sad and angsty, and I could cry in the comfort of Modest Mouse's self-pity, with "Whist we're on the subject, can we change the subject now?" continuing to be one of my favourite lyrics in music. Finding Death Grips was one of the most important parts of this journey. Whilst I was initially drawn to the loud, abrasive attack on the senses that their music provided for me, looking into the lyrics showed a deeply pained introverted person that I saw, and still see part of myself in. Death Grips were such a crucial point of my angsty journey towards self-discovery and are currently one of my favourite bands of all time.

Nervous Young Man- 18-year-old me and my closing thoughts.

I suppose being 18 is a bit of a cheat as I am still technically a teenager. However, as I've booked my first university accommodation and am about to live by myself and find a job, I decided my angsty teen journey is near enough complete as I move on to my angsty adult journey. I didn't mention Car Seat Headrest within my 15-17-year-old section, despite that being the time in which I found them, because they leave the biggest impact on me. Listening to the band's lyrics it's clear that Will Toledo himself was an angsty teen and listening to him recount the hardships of being "torn between trying to be a better man and trying to accept the man I am" resonated with me so deeply, as did the entire "How To Leave Town" album in which I could hear a person who felt lost despite surrounded by people. Car Seat Headrest felt like a soundtrack to my life and, whilst I recognise that Will Toledo's experience was completely unique to my own, I am forever grateful that he gave me that feeling. If I had to choose a singular band to describe my angsty teen playlist, they would be the one. I don't see my angsty teen years in the same regretful lens I would've last year. I realise now that being an angsty teen was a crucial part of my self-discovery and without that annoying, self-pitying child I was, I would never have got to this point. The music I picked up along the way is what truly shaped me the most. In my most isolated and friendless times, I would turn to my music and somehow manage to escape from that sad reality or, if necessary, face it with a banging soundtrack. Whilst I hope I'm no longer that angsty teenager who could never stand up for himself, even to the Subway worker who had entirely misheard his order, I'm thankful that I have this music to remember how far I've come.