Music Would Listen to Me

Ah, the teenage years. I’m only 19 and still listen to these songs very regularly. Music was always my self-soothe and my way of coping with my trauma. From religious, physical, sexual, mental, and emotional trauma, music was always my cure. I still use music as my self-soothe to this day.

My teenage years were very difficult for me. I lived through a Christian high school that pretty much potato peeled my skin off and tried to staple it back on. It was very difficult to live through. I was never liked. And when I made the ‘mistake’ of no longer being ‘pure’, I was now the most hated person at my school.

My parents didn’t help much either. They were mentally, physically, and religiously abusive. I learned very quickly to open up to my music, not my parents. When they would ridicule and guilt me for my teenage thoughts, music would relate to me. It would welcome me into their world of angst.

In a world where sexual assault goes frequently unpunished, you can imagine them being punished through the magic of music. You picture hurting them like they hurt you. And all because music will always listen to you.

So, here are my songs that kept me going during my angsty years. Listen as you go if you’d like with my Teen Angst Playlist. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0PdzqyFuJl264fc05MQBEH

1. Love the Way You Lie – Rhianna and Eminem. I often used this song to resonate with the feelings I had around my parents and my heartbreaks. Belting out Rhianna’s lines really helped me in my sad moments.

2. Love Me Like You Do – Ellie Goulding. Right around the time that boys were starting to notice me, I sang this song to help me through my feelings around the dreams I was starting to have. Along with me being in my feels when I lost my virginity.

3. Chandelier – Sia. Introduced to me by my sister, I began to sing this song regularly when I started feeling depressed.

4. Invitation – Ashnikko. A newer favorite of mine. But I sing it regularly to cope with the sexual assault I endured months ago.

5. Helium – Sia. Right around the time I started getting curious about the sexual side of me, I found this song. I often imagined this song in the background while I was with a boy.

6. Not Afraid Anymore – Halsey. I was getting curious about the Fifty Shades of Grey series. And I sang this song a lot as I imagined and experienced the things in the song.

7. All of Me – John Legend. I had never heard this song until my first high school dance. I got to go with the boy I liked. This song came on, and he asked if I wanted snacks. After eating a grand total of 4 pieces of candy, he finally asked me to dance. Ever since then, I have loved this song because I picture what true love is when I hear this song.

8. We R Who We R - Kesha. Kesha was the first pop artist I really fell in love with. She was edgy and fun. I really wished I could be as free and fun as her. And I imagined a life (pretty much the one I have now) where I was free from the bounds of religion.

9. Love You Betta – Neon Hitch. The boy I mentioned from the dance. He had this ex that was incredibly jealous. She made it her goal in life to make my life a living hell. I listened to this song, imagining that I was fighting her and winning him in the end. This is the song that always reminds me of those days when I thought fighting over a boy was a good use of my time.

10. Fearless – Taylor Swift. My sister and I grew up OBSESSED with Taylor Swift. This was one of my absolute favorite songs of hers. It really reminded me of how young love is. It’s crazy and fearless.

11. Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift. I would stay up super late to this song on repeat. It really fit with my eighth-grade year. The ex that I mentioned earlier. When they were together, I would sing this song. I knew she would break his heart. But he was so in love with her at the time. But I sang this song, imagining that I would be the one to cure him.

12. Ashes – Celine Dion. I endured so much heartbreak when I was 18. Sexual assault, abusive future-in-laws, having moved out, and my wedding being canceled. This song was my motivational song that got me through all my crying sessions. “Let beauty come out of ashes.”

13. Deer in Headlights – Sia. This song really reminds me that being afraid of the unknown is okay. Is a slow, sexy, and sad song that is all about being afraid of something. It’s okay to fall apart sometimes. “There’s no right answer.”

14. Hey Baby – Pitbull. This was my party song. I would listen to this song on repeat in my room alone and dance to it for hours. I imagined having a dance partner with me or that I was popular, and everyone dance around me after I picked this song. This was my happy escape song.

15. Concrete Wall – Zee Avi. I first heard this song at a dance performance. I now resonate with it as I listen to the song. It’s about domestic abuse. I’ve both seen and experienced domestic abuse. So, I now realize why this song meant so much to me in high school.

16. Give You What You Like – Avril Lavigne. This song is about prostitution. But it fits for me because of all the times I’ve been coerced into doing something I didn’t want to do.

17. I’m Gonna Show You Crazy – Bebe Rexha. This was one of my favorite songs to listen to after I got out of the mental hospital. It occurred to me… I really am crazy. But that’s perfectly okay.