Overcrowded thoughts buzzing around in my head the whole day. Panic energy zooming around inside me as the day progresses. Just wishing the day would end but knowing tomorrow will be the same cycle of panic.
I repeated this for a couple years working 9 hour shifts without breaks and the only time I had to myself was when the day was over and the stars are out. Looking up into the sky to see the bright moon staring at me was the only way I made peace.
The song Moonchild by RM brings me back to that past self while letting the present me to grow. The song reflects on what a moon child is. For me, it became my moon when I couldn’t look at the Moon. I’m not a fanatic or anything but seeing the moon has always been a calming feeling for me. Maybe it’s the silence while the city sleeps. Maybe it’s cause my tiredness from work has finally caught up to me. Whatever it is the moon has always felt like a protector to my emotions and thoughts.
When I first heard this song, I broke down crying because I felt the emotions I felt when I look at the moon. This song’s melody has a calming vibe to it. It’s calling to you to take deep breaths and letting you know everything will be okay. The lyrics bring in another deeper level of meaning.
"You say you wanna die, but live it much harder"
I felt trapped in this duality of traits. I always felt this blanket of sadness in my life. Sometimes it was just there and didn’t feel like much. Sometimes it was really heavy and suffocating. When this song came out, it was the most suffocating sadness I felt. I would constantly be fighting this blanket angrily wanting to escape but it never disappeared. I laughed at myself for trying so hard to live while having such a suffocating time dealing with life. Why even bother trying?
Because I am a moon child, a moon child will say I wanna die but in the end I will live even harder than before.
"You say you wanna let go but put on another weight."
While carrying the blanket of sadness, trying to let go of it: I continue to work harder trying to succeed in life. Focusing hard on work to be able to get a promotion, financially supporting my family more without asking question, all the while trying to figure out what I really want as my career. Why carry more burdens?
Because I am a moon child, a moon child who will take too much for their plate but is willing to try.
"Thinking of not thinking at all is still a thinking, you know
Actually this is our destiny, you know
Smiling in endless pain, you know"
Maybe this sounds insane to others, I just feel obligated to be this person who can carry everyone else on their back. I reflect on this a lot and think I’m insane sometimes. But this song reminds me, it’s okay to be this way. You didn’t decide to be this way, it’s your destiny.
Smile because you are a moon child, your protector controls the ever changing tides, so breath.
"Moonchild don't cry
When moon rise, it's your time"
In the darkest times of my life, this song has reminded me that it is okay to feel the way I do. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way. The blankets might feel like they will never come off. Just remember, the moon will always rise. Each month is a new cycle, so this darkness will dissipate and you will rise once again.
That is why I am a moon child.