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Life Interpreted Though Music

Living a life of almost 20 years indulged in music

By Tegan DorwardPublished 4 years ago 5 min read
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Fall Out Boy live at the Arena Birmingham 2018 (taken by me)

Music;

An essential ingredient to a party or concert,

The core of a good film,

The product of musicians,

For some music is just something to listen to when bored or to pass time but to me music is the core of my entire existence, but to truly understand how it centred my entire world we must go back to the very beginning.

My musical integration happened soon after my birth as my grandma gave my dad a tip for helping put me to sleep, she suggested that when he put me to sleep he put the radio on not only to stop me feeling alone in my room bu also so that if we ever needed to go on a long car journey by just turning on the radio I would fall asleep as long as it played.

I think it's fair to say I have my grandma to thank for my musical introduction.

But that wasn't my only exposure to music, in fact I couldn't escape its grasp even if I tried, as my whole family was musically inclined in some way.

For example my grandma would have her radio on in the kitchen while cooking (mostly for the news but she'd have a bop if the moment arrived), my grandad would have his Irish radio on in the living room while watching the racing.

My nana would have her radio on in her kitchen from the second she woke up to the moment she went to bed, and my dad has a great love of music himself so occasionally he would have some music playing at home.

As a kid I had a great love for music snd even went to some live shows at my local racecourse but when I really started to appreciate music was when music had the biggest impact on me.

While growing up I began to explore who I was, this being my sexuality and also my view of myself. After years of confusion I finally came to the conclusion that I am in fact Pansexual and that lead to my already low self view to plummet to an all time low fearing the disapproval of my family and friends. Though I won't go into too much detail about this I was in a very low place mentally and during this time I wasn't sleeping too well, (i've always had a problem with my sleep but it was getting increasingly worse) so my mum made the decision to take away my iPad and other technology at night, which is fair but at the time it was the only distraction I had from myself, and also during this time I was moving from the room I shared with my sister to my own room (which my older sister use to be in).

I remember during this time I felt so alone that I use to cry for so long I'd tire myself out and sleep, but I found that my older sister left two CDs in the room, Imagine Dragons album Night Visions and The 1957's self titled album, which one night I decided that instead of lying in silence I could at least listen to something to make me feel less alone so I played both albums on the quietest volume possible and let the music envelope me almost as if it were a warm hug.

I mostly resonated with The 1975's self titled album the most, so much so that on days I felt particularly bad I would lay on my bed with no pillow, no duvet and just stare into the dark abyss of my room and let the songs work their magic letting out my emotions in a safe space (a trick I still employ today for myself or for my friends if they need it).

Since that moment I had a headphone in my ear for about two years, this made me feel safe, its almost the same feeling you feel when you're with your best friend which I know to some people will sound a bit sad or weird and thats ok, everyone has a different relationship with music but one thing I do love is that no matter how someone feels about music there will always be one song that will make them smile.

I've always had a big admiration for musicians and how they express themselves though their music. How they can so freely express themselves, talk about fears, struggles, their emotions, how they can bare their souls to complete strangers with so much confidence while I can barely articulate my own thoughts to myself.

This is why I've always loved going to live shows since my first one in 2015, just walking into a concert hall I felt as if I'd just come home for the first time. The fact that everyone in that room has turned up for the same reason, to listen to the artist's stories and resonate with them. To come together to show love and support to someone who doesn't even know they exist, that is the purest form of a human, and actually the reason that I believe that there really is good in everyone no matter how deeply buried it may be.

My life has been completely trapped in the hands of music and it's musicians but I wouldn't ever want to leave it's grasp, just being a music lover I have found others like me... my second family.

And I never want to let them go.

humanity
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