It Took My Things Being Thrown Out

A playlist with one song repeats in my earphones. The eerie melody and the heart grabbing story Rascal Flatts sung was my story being told with the kind of understanding that made me feel like I had a friend, a confidant….

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I’m at peace with myself

I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I’m movin’ on…

The violin wrapped my emotions in an organized timeline while the piano reminded me where I was. I just had the experience of a lifetime and was so blinded by the light of "life’s best" that I didn’t see what was right in front of me. At least not for about 20 minutes. And if I’m honest, it hadn’t really changed in almost 20 years. But I didn’t see that. I didn’t want to see that. I thought I already did the hard part of letting go.

Then it hit me.

I was walking through the safe and recognizable rooms of my own home looking at my belongings messily stuffed into garbage bags. I had just returned from speaking at a health conference on the top floor of the Millbank Tower in London alongside other beautifully courageous human beings and standing on the same stage with the most inspiring leaders I’ve ever met.

Was this my life? I just got up and told everyone how important it was to care for themselves, to find their voices, and to live who they are. Not the version that they think they need to live – the real one. The one we all know and are afraid of – deep down inside below our stuffed emotions, dusty dreams and torn up love letters to our best selves.

Wow. I felt like a fraud.

If ever there was a lyric written for my life it was this one. The next verse of the song now made perfect sense and in good order, the eerie melody faded back in only to clench my heart with a deep sense of regret and not belonging in my own home. How were these words written just for me? How did they know that the tough journey back to my heart went like this?

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces

Each one is different but they’re always the same

They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it

They’ll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong

I’m movin’ on…

I took a deep breath and started to empty out the garbage bags. To my surprise, a part of me wasn’t surprised at all. But, geez, c’mon…I was more scared than anything. Dumbfounded, even. And right back in that familiar swirl that I had spent over 15 years of my life in. The confusion, the quiet suffering, and the obnoxious demands that were not so much loud, but very overpowering in its silent glares and intimidation. I fooled myself into thinking that I was supported. Nothing was really wrong, but so many vital things were not right either. The pull of pressure to be the same, to not evolve, to stay “trapped” in a time warp of some kind of Groundhog Day that played over and over and over eventually would be the cause of the emotional wreckage - or maybe more like bondage - that would finally set me free.

There was a mantra that I lived my healing by: No matter how far you are on the wrong path, GO BACK. Not to live life backwards. But to stop jumping lanes in order to keep moving forward. You see, we’re born with a spot, and that spot has one lane and only one lane. And within that one lane there are many choices that we must live with every single day. On this particular day, the rest of the lyrics spoke a truth to me that helped me to finally see my way forward in life…

I’m movin’ on

At last I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me

And I know, there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone

There comes a time in everyone’s life

When all you can see are the years passing by

And I have made up my mind that those days are gone…

The meandering off of my own path took me to places that gifted me with strength, courage, wisdom, grace, acceptance and faith beyond measure. But it came with prices. Heavy prices. Pain, loss, unfulfilled expectations, broken promises, and most of all disappointment in myself.

Light can only be found when we let go of all the darkness that we think we need to carry around with us. Being willing to lose it all in order to gain what is supposed to be there; not only showed me what was possible in life, but it revealed what was rightfully mine to begin with. Which is so far beyond what I had been settling for. Taking the next steps were now easy. And this is pretty much how it went…

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t

Stopped to fill up on my way out of town

I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t

I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I’m movin’ on

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on