IDLES & Heroes

Today marks four years since I was introduced to IDLES. I tell this story all the time, but alas, I will tell it again as I enjoy telling it. It's my blog and I'll do what I want to. Cool. ANYWAY, one of the perks of doing my apprenticeship at Buzz Magazine in Cardiff meant getting to go to gigs I wanted to review for the magazine, and one of them was to see Peace at Tramshed, as part of Swn Festival. There were two other bands on before IDLES, then IDLES, and then Peace.

I went straight from work, so was bogged down with a huge backpack, coat and scarf, and yet, I wanted to be at the barrier, so that is where I was, and as soon as IDLES took to the stage, I was regretting my placement, but also just mesmerised by these angry, shouty men on stage. By the time they had finished their set, I was drenched in sweat, grinning from ear to ear.

It was a super chilly and rainy evening, but after watching IDLES, I had to get out for some fresh air. Stood out in the rain alone, I reflected on what I had just seen, and quite honestly couldn't wait to get home so I could Google the heck out of them. Peace's set is a blur now, but getting home, going online, and buying as much IDLES merchandise as was available at the time is still clear in my memory.

Checking their social media for any other gigs nearby, I found one - Rough Trade, Bristol. That was the moment that changed everything for me, buying that ticket started my journey to where I am now. I often think, looking back, like, where on Earth would I be right now if I hadn't seen IDLES at Swn, where would I be if I didn't decide to go to Bristol to see them at Rough Trade. Who knows. Definitely not where I am now, that's for sure.

At the time all this was happening, I wasn't doing too well. My mental health was taking a beating, and my life was solely get up, drive to Cardiff, work hard, drive home, eat tea, go to bed. I felt so depressed, and if I ever had free time, instead of partaking in my hobbies (art, music, writing), I would just sit and watch mind-numbing TV to switch my brain off. Still, to this day, in order for me to do anything creative, I have to see purpose in it. I find it very hard to do anything for fun. Not sure why, guess I'm just a people-pleaser.

ANYWAY, cool, now I had tickets to see IDLES at their own show, in Bristol, at Rough Trade. It was a few months away, and I had their album Brutalism on repeat constantly. This band suddenly became all I could think about, and I wanted to do something nice for them to show them how much I cared. I had this idea to make them a Zine (for those who don't know what a Zine is, it's like a mini magazine), it was only small, but combined some drawing, plus collage, and oh my, it felt so good to be making something. I felt excited, and creative, and happy, and I couldn't wait to give it to them.

Before the gig, I was still occasionally writing stuff on another blog when I felt motivated, and I wrote about IDLES. I wrote about how being introduced to them made me actually feel something again, and Dev (king of bass) messaged me on Facebook, thanking me. I felt so seen, and appreciated, and it's weird how a simple message could do that. I then felt inspired to start a new blog, where I could talk more about mental health and music, somewhere where bands and fans could help one another. That's where My Big Mental Head started.

The gig rolled around, and I was very anxious. I attended gigs regularly by myself, but hadn't been to Bristol in a long time, and had never driven there before (I am an anxious driver. Or was, I'm not sure I can say that now I forced myself to drive a van around the country).

Early as usual, I found myself wandering around Rough Trade, pretending to look at stuff, so I didn't look too strange. I noticed Joe Talbot in the shop, and he greeted me with a smile and said hello. I think I had a bit of a chat with him, but when I'm nervous, I literally just chat pure shite.

I went outside for a bit of fresh air, and Jon Beavis was there.

"You're Connie, right? The one who has made us a Zine!"

My heart stopped, and I couldn't believe he recognised me from Instagram. I was so happy, and told him I have the Zine ready to give to them all at the signing part of the show afterwards.

The gig was incredible, and I met so many magical people there. The band signed my record and loved the Zine, and I drove home feeling like I was walking on air.

"It's people like you that we do this for" is what Jon wrote on my record.

It was pretty much that day that I then was invited into the AF Gang on Facebook, a community of like-minded people who love IDLES, and needed somewhere to talk about music, mental health, and make new friends.

From there, my love for the band and their community grew. I was introduced to other bands that I adore greatly, such as Heavy Lungs, and I made it my mission to move to Bristol to be surrounded by this scene.

I made it to Bristol, and from there, I just grew and grew. There were a lot of things that knocked me down, but I always had IDLES to pick me up again. After following IDLES and Heavy Lungs around on tour, and seeing them so regularly that I became part of the furniture at their shows, the relationship of band and fan became more like band and friend, and after a few Dad lectures from Dev, I feel like I can definitely call him a friend now.

No idea when, but at some point during all this craziness, Lindsay (founder of AF Gang, all-round legend, super mum), got in touch and wanted me to be part of this super secret IDLES project: the IDLES documentary. Mark Archer, the Director of the film, interviewed me a few times about the band, my blog, and how being part of the AF Gang had helped me. It was only last year that I finally got to see the finished film, and my goodness, it is a pure joy to watch.

It baffles me that just from being a fan of this band, I have been given so many incredible opportunities: being in an actual, real-life film, being interviewed on the news, playing on-stage with them, and now, being in a band that gets the life-changing experience of playing o2 Academy Brixton as the first support at their sold-out show in January.

There's always all this talk of having idols and heroes, and people that inspire you, and I think that's great and can be super rewarding, but for me, IDLES make me believe that I can be my own hero. They have given me the inspiration and support to be my true creative and passionate self, and have stood by and applauded as I soar.

I haven't seen them live in well over a year, which sucks. But the first time I see them since then will be when wych elm support, and the thing I am most excited for is to scream "NE TOUCHE PAS MOI" in Joe's face from the barrier (oh yes, you bet your ass I will finish my set, put my stuff away, have a wee and anxiety shit, and then try to squeeze myself down the front to watch IDLES).