Ghost

Just thinking about this song gives me goosebumps. Badflower became one of my favorite bands after hearing this song, just because of the rawness and absolute power that was put into this song. And after hearing this incredible piece of music, I had to listen to the rest of their album, OK, I'm Sick, and I fell in love with that.

"Ghost" is a song about self-harm and suicide. It's a very intense personal song and I do remember crying after first listening to it. The lyrics backed by the guitars and drums in this song put me into a mindspace that calmed me but also brought me to a dark place in my mind. But once the song was over, I got this overwhelming feeling of euphoria? It's like listening to this song helped purge all my negativity and bad thoughts.

I found this song a few months after I had finally kicked the bad habit of cutting. It was an on and off struggle that I had been dealing with since I was 12. I am now 20 (will be 21 in 5 days, so happy birthday to me!) and the song came out in 2018, which makes me two years clean from self-harm.

But since it was only a few months after I got clean, I still had those intrusive thoughts and urges. I was still super super depressed. Listening to this song was cathartic, for some reason.

Josh Katz, the lead singer, has an amazing voice and he wrote the lyrics, so this song is really personal to him. He wrote it after being on tour and having panic attacks on stage every night he performed, which put him in a really depressive state. He put all his emotions and what he was feeling in the moment into this song as a way to cope. And maybe that's why it helped me so much.

Take the blade away from me

I am a freak, I am afraid that

All the blood escaping me won't end the pain

And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me

I died to be the white ghost

Of the man that I was meant to be

This has got to be one of my favorite chorus' ever. I get shivers down my spine every time I hear it. It's so good and I'm in love with it.

Each verse starts out with the same lyric, with each verse acting as a different experience at a different point in time. I connected with each of these verses individually and altogether because I feel that everyone who has self-harmed before can relate to these. All the verses talk about specific moment of self-harming, which all self-harmers have been through.

I tried it once before but I didn't get too far

I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart

The first time cutting is always scary and usually doesn't go as planned. For me, it was painful because I was stupid and tried using a very dull knife to aggressively cut into my skin. It didn't work, there was no blood, and I didn't enjoy the experience.

I tried it like before and this time I made a deep cut

The first time I ever cut myself and made myself bleed was the worst day of my life. It wasn't the first time I had self-harmed, and it wasn't the first time I had tried cutting. The worst day of my life was when I dragged a blade across my skin and saw the blood leave my body. I remember the two emotions I felt staring at that blood: relief and shame. I was relieved because letting out blood was easier than letting out everything that was going on in my mind. And if I couldn't get that out then at least I could get some relief by letting something else out. But I was ashamed of what I'd done. I had made sure I put it in a place that no one would ever see because I didn't want anyone to find out.

It was the worst day of my life because I had realized how far I had fallen, how bad it had gotten.

I tried it once again and I think I might black out

I have never gotten to this point, and I am very thankful for it, but I know not everyone is that lucky. I know people that have ended up killing themselves, and I know people that would have died of blood loss if they hadn't gotten to the hospital fast enough.

I'm lucky that I was able to get out of that dark mindset that I had found myself in. I'm glad that I was able to get clean and work hard every day to not end up back where I was. It's been a huge struggle, but I'm really happy to be here. I may not know what I'm doing with my life, but at least I didn't give that up.

My blood is all around me, I get dizzy if I stand up

The cutting part was easy but regretting it is so fucked

It's that shame and guilt that come immediately after the damage is done. Before and during it's fine, you have this one goal and you're achieving it, but afterwards... I could never escape the shame and the disappointment that I felt towards myself. I hated it, I hated what I did, and I hated myself.

This life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one

This doesn't just connect with me on a suicide/self-harm level. This resonates with me everyday. Life is exhausting and yes, overwhelming sometimes, and it can be a lot to take, but at the end of the day I am glad to be where I am right now. I cannot express how thankful I am that I never followed through with my suicidal ideations.

This song means so much to me. I can't fully describe how it has affected my life. I'm grateful that I stumbled upon this song and that it helped me get to this place in my life. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without discovering "Ghost" or Badflower. They're a great band, it's a great song, and I highly recommend. You never know, they could save your life, too.