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Freddie Mercury Broke Me

An Unexpected Reaction

By Remarkable PeoplePublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Shot by Matthew Addington

I grew up in a time when "men were supposed to be men." I often heard my father say, "stop your crying or I will give you something to cry about." Emotion was something to be squashed and tamped down not worn on your sleeve and let out for the world to see. Emotions and emotional outbursts were a sign of weakness. I soon imagined that I couldn't let him or my friends see me as weak or I would be mocked and ridiculed. Avoiding situations and circumstances where I may get emotional became a standard procedure. I missed so much, bypassed so many opportunities and dismissed so many overtures to protect myself. I wasn't always successful, but the effort it took to be removed was exhausting.

That script has run somewhere in my head for most of my life. I handled pain stoically. I pushed back grief in the face of tragedy. I swallowed through rejection and deep disappointment. Teenage angst and heartbreak were real but compulsively denied.

My life was full of all the fantastic events, naive expectations, and hopes and dreams as most people. But when things went well or went astray, I reacted without any outward presentation of what was happening inside me. Anger occasionally flared in misdirected ways as the cork couldn't control the pressure. My family received the brunt over the years, and tiny straws like being cut off in traffic could elicit a curse fest.

A few weeks ago, I received notice from Scene (a movie loyalty program) that I had points expiring—enough for two to attend any movie. My partner and I agreed that Bohemian Rhapsody was a title we were both interested in seeing. I hadn't read any reviews of the film but had seen a short trailer so went in without much expectation.

The music of Queen was part of my generation and continues to raise hands, hearts, and hope. The anthems create space for individual and collective celebration. All the actors portraying band members and management did an exceptional job with playing or fudging playing, and the rehearsals and concerts were believable and uplifting.

I didn't expect to be awed by the music, but I was caught, along with the audience, in the journey. The fictionalization offers plenty of melodrama around and between the band.

I had only seen Rami Malek who portrays Freddie Mercury in the Netflix series Mr. Robot and wasn't overly impressed. As Mercury, in all his splendor, all his insecurity, all his arrogance, caring, and callousness, he allowed the crippling fragility of humanity to shine through. The relationships with family, lovers, friends, partners, and fans were shrouded in the complexity of the times, the fame, and the worry that he was an imposter.

I found myself holding back tears from the 20-minute mark and trying to hold it together as Freddie was abused, obsessed, revealed, loyal, adulterous. I can't point to a scene, but I know that I sobbed and wept over the ruination and reconciliation of relationships. Some were inadvertently destroyed and some willfully set on fire. Years of bottling my life emotions found a release. While a theater full of other people wasn't the best venue, it sufficed in setting me free. I have been open about the event with my friends and family and in that vulnerability, I have found the courage to share other fears, worries, doubts. My feelings are at the tip of my tongue and the top of my heart. By allowing myself to be open, I have opened a door for others to express their anxiety, insecurity, and disappointment.

I am experiencing the honeymoon of post-traumatic growth and am resisting the urge to retreat to the known of the past. The struggle to let go of my embedded scripts is real, but I am striving to live on this side of the Rhapsody.

humanity
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About the Creator

Remarkable People

Writing about observations, ideas, challenges, and people that I find remarkable.

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