‘Fighting’ to ‘Creep’ and ‘Crawl’…

‘Fighting’ to ‘Creep’ and ‘Crawl’…

… Out of My Own ‘Hurt’ Skin

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<Singing…>

“Not sure why there is no sun up in the sky…

… Sunny weather!”

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I am also not entirely sure WHY anyone would want to hear anyone else Angst list…

But there as there is a possible $250 on the line for this Teenage Angst challenge,

So, if there may be some green possibly involved then what the hell!

<Shrug!>

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Although I can honestly say that I did not get really into music until very late in life.

Sure the first song on my list is technically when I am still a teenager…

If you can seriously with a straight face still call a nineteen-year-old a “Teenager”

But if “Nineteen Years Old” is good enough for “Teen Porn” categories on Porn Hub, who am I to argue with that much power and money?

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NOTE:

The challenge specifically states

“…spare no details about what you were going through during that time in your younger days.”

Which is the same as saying to pandora,

“Go on ahead and open that pretty box…”

I am fairly sure that a site that has a heart attack at the mere breath of a fart, from a shadow, on a dark wall, about anything religious or the dreaded “G-Word” does not really mean what they say when they ask you to,

“…spare no details about what you were going through”

I am guessing they probably mean

“Within reason”

Rather than

“Fuck us all up and give us waking nightmares forever!”

So, with that and a potential 250 dollars in mind, I am going to hold back A LOT and keep this crap commercial rather than brutally honest.

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“The average age of a combat soldier in Vietnam”

“N N N N N Nineteen!”

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So let us start when I was Nineteen

And this first song that spoke to me was,

Creep

REM

1992

(Anyone good at maths – be cool and just shut the hell up!)

YouTube Link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFkzRNyygfk

I was young, dumb, and full of cum.

I oozed confidence, I had some non-bulky dancer style muscles and decent kicking fighting skills

I walked through places, clubs, and pubs I’d never been as if I owned the place.

I backed down from no one

And always got up while taking a kicking and never “stayed down”

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HOWEVER,

That is not who I really was behind the macho mask…

I reality I was a lonely wreck.

I had a horrible love life.

And I really hated being the parody of a Man I was constantly pretending to be.

I acted violently homophobic and misogynistic not because I really felt that way or was capable of any real beliefs or integrity,

But just because I thought that is what men were supposed to be and what they were supposed to do!

I could not be the gentle spirit I wanted to be – because that was not what the world told me a real man was.

I was travelling within inches of turning out just like my genetic wife-beating father

(Note genetic sperm father NOT my names sake. In contrast, Mr Lombardi who I see as my real Dad is a particularly good and decent man!)

This struggle to be what I was not inside was what fed the early seeds of what would one day become, my deep self-loathing.

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When I heard “Creep” by REM for the first time.

How could I not feel that they were really speaking to me personally?

I was a creep and a total loser.

Despite all the macho bullshit, I secretly knew that.

I didn’t belong where I was.

I did not belong in my own head!

The mask was itching, burning, and harming me!

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Now to age 28

Eight years later

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By this time, I had spent six months as a male escort for professional women.

And realised that this was not the male fantasy I wanted it to be.

I had shortly after met my future wife.

I was in the second half of my first year getting, what was to be a totally pointless, print media bachelor’s degree.

I had almost gotten my shit straight.

Now I could enjoy bands like Queen, Culture Club, and Elton John openly with confidence.

I still had to keep my love of chick flicks, 40’s to 70’s musicals and antiques a bit under wraps… But I was a work in progress.

I would get my Degree and rule the world

(I can almost feel the collective embarrassed facepalm of all the other media graduates out there…. )

I STILL was not true to myself!

A weird thing kept happening…

My then-future wife was supposed to be used as a fling that I dumped after using.

It would have been unmanly of me NOT to shag around and sleep with as many women as possible.

But I never followed through.

At each stage of “give it up” or “bale” I kept baling.

I told myself at the time that I was being more macho by “pussy teasing” and then leaving them burning with frustration.

Mighty Me! More than a mere man-beast! Master of my penis! I had the power of saying “No” to women!

Because I would NOT admit the real truth to myself that I had fallen in love and did not want anyone else.

Again… Because that, to my dick head mind… would make me “less of a Man”

In my stupid silly mind, ”Real Men” were NEVER faithful!

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So, Just like Creep before it, I encountered the song “Crawling” by “Linkin Park”

The wounds of seeing my mum hit by my genetic father would never heal

(Even though every cell in my adult body was a physically different cell by now – that toddler no longer physically existed anymore – but his crying ghost remains to haunt me!)

Confusing what is real

Crawling in my skin

I thought I was the “real deal” now,

But I had just replaced one “mask” with another equally damaging one!

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Artist: Linkin Park

Album: Hybrid Theory

Released: 2000

Genre: Alternative/Indie

My age 28

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YouTube Link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd9OhYroLN0

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Now 29

A year later.

FINALLY, I admitted to myself that I loved my future wife!

NOW I could not only enjoy bands like Queen, Culture Club, and Elton John openly with confidence.

But NOW I felt I could openly love my Chick Flicks, 40’s to 70’s musicals and Antiques with gay abandon.

I still joke to this day that I am the Gayest straight man that I know!

So, you would THINK all was now Rosey the ‘Mind Garden’ of this douche bag!

Right?

WRONG!

Oh, so very Very VERY WRONG!

I was just older, dumb, and emotionally numb.

I oozed self-loathing and bile,

I walked through places, clubs and pubs that should feel like home as if I were always about to be attacked.

I backed down from no one

And always got up while taking a kicking and never “stayed down”

But now it was because I wanted to die.

No quiet suicide in a bathtub for me

Instead, I was (and still am) suicidal ‘by thug’!

Why die quietly when you can destroy some arseholes life by getting them 7 years for manslaughter in prison.

Hell, if they have any secret hidden conscience they might take their own lives in return, eventually when the guilt for my death got too much for them!

It would be unlikely, VERY unlikely, but it would count as a bonus score!

But death never seems to happen.

And now this song still calls to me…

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Fight Music

Eminem

Artist: D12

Album: Devil's Night

Released: 2001

Genre: Hip-Hop/Rap

My age 29

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YouTube Link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pVfBW6N7QA

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The problem is now at 48...

That I STILL, after all, this time know,

“I don’t belong here”

Is that I STILL, after all, this time Feel,

“Crawling in my Skin”

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I know full well, All those I want to get thrown in prison for my murder are only shadows of a violent father.

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In essence, am trying to murder a child

I am trying to murder and punish a child that no longer exists

The child I used to be…

Because that horrible little fucker of a 3-year-old did not defend their Mum from being hurt.

The cowardly little weak shit just and cried instead of standing up to the big scary man.

Even as I type this now, today, I am filling with unfair rage.

Accusing a mere child of daring to get away with being a mere child.

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In addition. I am also guilty of committing violent Homophobia and Misogyny in my pre 20’s that I did not even believe in,

Only to fit in.

Those victims also deserve justice against that heinous twenty-year-old me!

How many life marring flashbacks does that little twenty-year-old shit still cause?

Who the fuck am I to get to walk away?!

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So now I am a sad nut job social justice warrior…

..For ALL the wrong reasons!

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I DO deserve to die!

At the Hands of Someone who Deserves to be in prison!

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This is the only way I might ever be able to make a real positive difference to the world.

Far more real difference than anything that I could do with a shitty plastic keyboard!

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And THAT

THAT would be true JUSTICE!

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The last song is.

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Hurt

Johnny Cash version

2002

First heard by me at age 30

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AHCfZTRGiI

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If you read all the above then ‘Simply This’…

Johnny says it all for me better than I ever could with my typed inadequate shit words

Nuff Said.

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REMEMBER!

This is the

"I am going to hold back A LOT and keep this crap commercial rather than brutally honest."

Version!

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Niether of us wants to see a more real brutally honest version!

Even if you think that you do...

I promise you..

YOU DONT'!

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