Eminem Is My Reflection

For those who personally know me would be baffled that I would find Eminem as my doppelgänger though it’s not looks we are talking about. His music and life that he welcomed you in to is full of darkness, drugs, slashing wrists, domestic violence, fame, children witnessing it all and begging for their dad to stay. It’s a massive chaos of this man’s life that all began as a young child being raised by a single mom in a rough neighborhood. His life story is full of pain, some cringe at what he allows you to know and sing about. What he allowed his daughters to witness when he was grown. It’s a cycle that most children find themselves in, repeating the past of their parent(s) or and what they grew up to see.

You are wondering where am I getting at with this because you probably know Eminem and already know all this. Some may not. It’s the lyrics of his music that brings me full circle to my childhood and life as a grown woman. I’m not famous, I’ve never invited drugs and alcohol into my life or slashed my wrists. What I am guilty of is allowing my son to see the fights, yelling and altercations that took place between his father and I. We laid hands on each other, I never loose my cool to go that far but he knows how to push me and I allowed it. I can’t make excuses for what took place or how I handled the situations I found myself in because that is pointless. What I did was make a choice to change everything for me and my son. Eminem needed to make a change to put a roof over his children’s head and food on the table. He and I both wanted our cycles to stop of what we dealt with as a child and what we were allowing to take place as a grown adult being a parent ourselves.

In his song. “When I’m Gone” the lyrics that brought me back to the visiting room where I had to be supervised to see my two year old son. We had been separated for months. I had to make the hardest decision of my life to walk out around midnight as the tears flowed kissing my son whispering, “I love you.”

My friend turned against me telling him I was leaving him. That day we fought; dishes broke, yelling and shoving as our baby watched.

He said, “You are not taking him from me and I don’t care what I have to do.”

I was out of options and eight hours from home and no one to rescue me. My baby seen enough and at this time he was almost two and I couldn’t imagine turning him into a rag doll to be fought over or having him see blue and red lights and possibly his dad in handcuffs. I walked in the snow storm that December to the police station asking for them to give me my baby back and they said, “You’ll have to go through the courts.”

Flash forward months of being separated and I’m the one having to be supervised. We had two hours to visit and had to say goodbye. He clung to me so tight and his tears soaking my shirt. I’m begging them to stop making him cry as they try to pull us apart and I’m dying inside.

“Please just stop, he just wants his mom as I’m crying and trying to soothe him.”

“He has to go back to his dad”, says the supervisor.

In those lyrics Eminem sings,

“Have you ever loved someone so much

You'd give an arm for

Not the expression, no

Literally give an arm for

When they know they're your heart

And you know you are their armor

And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her

But what happens when karma

Turns right around and bites you

And everything you stand for turns on you to spite you

What happens when you become the main source of her pain...

"You're makin' mommy cry, why, why is mommy cryin'"

"Baby, daddy ain't leavin' no more, daddy you're lyin'

You always say that, you always say this is the last time

But you ain't leavin' no more daddy, you're mine"

She's pilin' boxes in front of the door tryin' to block it

"Daddy please, daddy, don't leave, daddy, no, stop it"

His lyrics have a way of making me see so much of our lives mirroring. I had a semi-normal childhood but the secrets of all the hurt and things I shouldn’t have seen or heard as a child, we will save that for counseling. He can sing about it and open himself up and make money from that but I’m not brave to expose that to the world. I share what little I do of my adult life to help others.

Two other songs of his are a reflection of my past and present. “Mockingbird” is a song of his I feel like my son and I stepped out of and I did my own re-mix to customize to me and my son.

“25 to Life” is a song where he gave so much to mother of his daughter and their tumultuous relationship for many years. He felt like he didn’t get much in return for all that he invested or tried. He speaks of metaphors and saying his life sentence is served.

I gave so much to my son’s father and I felt my worth was that of dirt. That all my efforts to save our relationship and keep our family whole wasn’t worthy to him. He waited until I walked and I basically repeated what Eminem said, “That my sentence is served.”

My son’s father says he has regrets. In Eminem’s song, “25 to Life” he says that it’s too late for the other side and that she didn’t understand all the sacrifices he had made.

I feel the same as if it is too late. I gave him nine years and two of those was to our son. Our son isn’t a mistake but the relationship was just another lesson.

Not only do I feel like we mirror because of our lives in most ways but Eminem gets a lot of hate. There is a lot he does that attributes to that but I feel some of the hate is because of how he exposed his life and opened the curtains to invite people in. The misunderstanding of the why’s behind what took place. I’m not saying he’s in the right or wrong. I’m saying that I feel that same hate for using my voice through writing and opening the curtains for my readers, my friends and family to know things that have been hid.

I had no voice or identity for the longest time. I created Scarlett Price to take any backlash for what I spoke of in my writings. Now, I’m proud to say that I’m Casey Mullins and Scarlett Price is my pen name. I’m proud of all that I have wrote about and all those whom I have helped. I have lost friendships and received hate for using my voice to discuss very sensitive topics. To let you all into my messy world with my son and how I made a decision many other moms’ including mine saying they wouldn’t have done. Moms’ who said they would have done anything to take their child or children with them.

Every one makes their own choices and will have to take the weight of the aftermath of that decision because all decisions causes ripple effects. In my heart I know at that moment in time, in that present situation and me knowing my son’s father better than anyone else that was the safest option I had for me and him. My son is now three and we continue to be separated but he knows I love him and I won’t ever give up on him. I stopped the cycle that night and my son’s future looks brighter.

How many broken homes would there be if we stopped the cycle? How many children would feel loved and happy to come home instead of afraid and not wanting to, if we could stop the cycle? Would our society have better adults living amongst each other because their childhood wasn’t ugly and we stopped the monsters? Everything has a beginning just like a seed that needs to be watered and nourished to grow. The beginning is what leads us to the present day and who we are. Some of the children who had to cover their ears or witness things children shouldn’t, don’t always grow up so awful but why allow it? Aren’t children entitled to a happy and loving home with people who get along and love each other?

Children never asked to brought into this world. They are the innocent ones.