Cosi Fan Tutte, by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Mozart cannot be held totally responsible for the absurdities of the plot of this delightful "chamber opera", because the libretto was the work of Lorenzo Da Ponte, an interesting character in his own right. He was an Italian Jew who converted to Catholicism, changed his name, moved to Vienna, and ended his days in New York as a naturalised American. Cosi Fan Tutte, which appears to have come from nowhere but Da Ponte's own head, has caused justifiable angst in modern times, with its suggestion that women are fickle and easily led astray.

Act 1. Various locations in Naples

Guglielmo and Fernando are two army officers who are madly in love with two sisters, Fiordiligi and Dorabella, and they are firmly convinced that their passion is reciprocated by the ladies in question. Their acquaintance Don Alfonso, an older, wordly-wise man, questions their confidence and lays a bet that the girlfriends would turn their affections elsewhere given half a chance, not because of who they are but merely because they are women. The men agree to allow Don Alfonso two days to prove his point, if he can.

Don Alfonso visits the sisters and tells them that the soldiers have been called away on army duties and must leave immediately. The couples meet and say their farewells, with many assurances of everlasting fidelity, to the grim amusement of Don Alfonso.

The Don has recruited Despina, the maid of the two sisters, into the plot, and she now announces that two foreign gentlemen have turned up and wish to be introduced to them. Having had just enough time for a quick offstage change and the slapping on of unlikely facial hair, the men now appear as a pair of Albanians to pay court to the sisters. Apparently falling deeply in love with their hostesses at first sight, the men are rebuffed and pretend to take poison. Despina, now disguised as a doctor, rushes onstage to restore them to life.

Act 2. The next day

The thwarted "Albanians" don't let up, and soon find that they are making headway, with the two soldiers paying court to each other's real-life girlfriend. This may of course prove nothing more than that Fiordiligi really wishes that her man was a tenor and not a bass, but no matter. Dorabella even goes so far as to give her new lover a locket containing a portrait of her "former" boyfriend, which seems like a strange thing to do.

You might have thought that the two men who are, after all, wanting to prove Don Alfonso wrong, would back off at this point, but no way! They now demand that a lawyer be produced to draw up marriage contracts. This is speed dating with a vengeance! The lawyer turns out to be Despina in another disguise (she's a soprano, by the way). The contracts are drawn up and a banquet prepared.

At this point Don Alfonso turns up to announce that the brave soldiers are on their way back (it was a very short war) and will arrive at any moment. The "Albanians" clear off and, another quick change later, re-appear as Guglielmo and Fernando, who find that their lovers of only the previous day have been prepared to marry two perfect strangers within 24 hours of their first meeting.

As this is the world of light opera, and not a divorce court, it is no problem to set these little matters to rights, and soon everyone is friends again. The reason for the men not to be angry with the women is, and this is the real clincher, because women can't help themselves from acting in such a way. In the words of the opera's title, Cosi Fan Tutte, "thus do they all"!

Yes, this is an absurd plot that not only makes a morally dubious claim, and the sexist suggestion that men are more constant than women, but it is also full of plot holes if you examine it too closely. To enjoy this opera today you really have to forget about the story and just drink in the music!