Blue Valentine

In time with my vintage baby blue kitchen timer, I vigorously scrub the dye from the spaces and lines that make up my fingerprints. The plastic shower cap traps all of the moisture while my locks steep. The heat and humidity radiating is like a temperate rainforest, all of it trapped inside my terrarium crown. Unsure of what this “Extreme Teal” will transform my mixture of sand and saffron strands into, I daydream of tides and sea foam.

The longest love affair I have ever had, has been with Blue.

From the day I was self aware enough to gaze at my reflection, I would drown in the depths of the blue eyes looking back at me. I have always been the most comfortable with the parts of myself that ebb and flow. We are both elemental and infinite when we understand the parts of ourselves that are composed of water. There is limitless love and wisdom in water. It falls back to earth and fills the lowest of places after sacrificing its hard fought journey to the clouds. It does this over and over again, all while serving and reflecting the life on earth. Water is selfless. Water is love.

Love demands the courageous acceptance of the inevitable pain that comes with eventual loss. Like love, mortality is beautiful and precious because of its fragility. Whether it is romantic love, the love of mother for her child or the love you have to propagate for yourself, they will all suffer scars and come to an end.

While most people associate blue with sadness, I think this is misguided. While I acknowledge that experiencing sadness is the pre-requisite for understanding happiness, I feel so much more when I look at blue. For me, blue embodies the peaceful forgiveness that comes with acknowledging the pain that is central to the human experience. Blue is simultaneously vulnerable and strong. Blue is resilience.

We can further understand love by acknowledging the significance of the little blue planet we call home, as in Carl Sagan’s speech, “Pale Blue Dot”:

“It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.”

Our present is precious and precarious. Of the 4.5 billion years or more that earth has been inhabited, each of us would be lucky to spend eighty or so years upon it. During our time, we will have even less years that are shared with the people we love. We can choose to drown in our powerless insignificance, or to float by realizing that there is no time to waste on the things that are meaningless.

While I am still searching for more meaning, I am learning to love radically and dance in the rain.

I have spent many Valentine’s Days stomping on cinnamon hearts after feeling rejected by the commercialized notion of romantic love. However, I did not expect that I would ever break up with someone on Valentine’s Day. I was wrong.

I decided that this Valentine’s Day was going to be different. Calling on my reserves of stubbornness, I was not going to let the break up overshadow all the love I had to give. I vowed to use the day as an excuse to celebrate all of the forms of love in my life, which I cherish. While it was painful, it was a blatant reminder of how fragile and unpredictable life can be. The acute pain of that romantic loss amplified the love I felt for everyone else in my life.

I rinsed out my hair dye along with all of my hesitation around being paradoxically both cheesy and real with my gestures. After ordering about one hundred dollars worth of donuts online, I wrote love letters to my friends and family. Of course when realizing my donut delivery route would take over nine hours, I had to curate a playlist for car karaoke.

The Playlist:

1. The smooth and jazzy vibes of Morning Matters by Yasmin Lacey are a better way to start the day than any cup of coffee.

2. Lovely Day by Bill Withers is a cheery throw back that helps to set good intentions for the day.

3. With a third time's the charm mentality, Good Day by Nappy Roots helps by convincing yourself that what started as a bad day, will not continue as such.

4. Video by India.Arie is a helpful way to ease into self acceptance and feeling worthy.

5. Right Where You Should Be by Quinn Xcii, Ashe, Louis Futon is a light-hearted reminder that things have a way of working out.

6. S.L.U.T by Bea Miler challenges body image and the patriarchy in a way that is hard not to dance to.

7. Woman by Kesha and The Dap-King Horns is an explicit reminder that women don't need to rely on men.

8. There is no one better than Queen Bey to remind you of your power with Freedom by Beyoncé and Kendrick Lamar.

9. Unstoppable - Stripped by The Score is a reminder to act like the hero of your own story.

10. Fighter by Christina Aguilera helps to bolster the grit necessary to take on the world.

11. Like a Girl by the Lizzo gets the dopamine and estrogen flowing.

12. Many would happy to exchange “man up” for Woman Up by Megan Trainor.

13. Girls Will Be Girls by Sophie Beam is a must because girls are simply amazing.

14. Perfect to Me by Anne-Marie serves as a reminder that you are enough.

15. The List by Maisie Peters helps with accepting that your shortcomings do not define you.

16. Tears Dry On Their Own by Amy Winehouse is a reminder that it is okay to cry, so as long as you pick yourself up and wash your face after.

17. Dancing In The Moonlight by Jubël and NEIMY is the perfect song to end the day dancing to.

While the donuts and the love letters were meant to honour the people that I love, it was an act of self-love to create the playlist and sing along with the windows down (intermittently of course, because it is still winter).

There is something magical about the currency of love. It is one of the rare things that you can give endlessly, yet find yourself in abundance of as a result. Hitting the road, showing off my blue locks, and feeling like I was able to make the people I care about feel loved was medicine.

Of course, I am grateful for the countless thank you texts and virtual conversations with people I felt like I have been losing touch over the course of the pandemic, but my day had many highlights. When I started singing in the donut pick-up line (before realizing I was signing), I made the people around me smile. An adorable little little girl who saw my hair and colourful face mask, asked me if I was a “ninja mermaid". I had a heart warming conversation with an elderly woman who noticed me dropping off donuts, and it validated the importance of showing your friends how much you love them. I still giggle every time I think about the truck driver who sang to Lizzo with me, when we were stopped at a red light. Watching the way my mother’s face light up when I gave her a gift brought light to my day.

After this Blue Valentine’s Day, I might make hair dye, donuts and car karaoke my new tradition. My heart feel so much fuller now than after any obligatory box of chocolates or bouquet of flowers. I suppose that pivoting into a mindset of altruism and self-care was the greatest gift. Maybe Valentine’s Day was my Valentine this year.