Bittersweet Symphony

If you were to ask me when music became an essential part of my life, I don't think I would be able to pinpoint the exact moment. Music has always been a part of me, entwined in the strands of my DNA like symphonies wrapped in a double helix, notes encoded in my biochemistry.

I've always felt a strong pull to music. It's something I gravitate to whenever I have strong emotions, positive or negative. Music has always been an escape. The type that sends shivers up and down my spine, plucking goosebumps across my skin. Feeling the blood ebb and flow with resonance, entering another world. One where I'm controlled by rhythms and tones, gently pushing and pulling me through space. It’s a trance-like state. A floating sensation. The reverberation of the strings pull at the senses, evoking such strong uncontrollable emotions. They are summoned from the depths of denial, grief, despair, longing, love. They prick my eyes with tears, sweeten me with happy memories or sour me with unpleasant ones. Or maybe it’s somewhere in between. A bittersweet symphony.

There are too many songs for me to list, but here are just a few that have been burned on the ever-spinning compact disc of my life.

"Genie in a Bottle" by Christina Aguilera

It might be a bit unconventional to start with this song, but as a thirty-something-year-old Millennial, I grew up in the late 90s and early 00s listening to all of the popular pop music. Britney Spears, The Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, Jessica Simpson. But Christina Aguilera was one of my favorites. She was also one of my cousin's favorites. Whenever a Christina Aguilera song came on the radio, we would bust out singing and dancing. Of course, our favorite was "Genie in a Bottle." We thought we were clever by changing the lyrics of the song to include my cousin's name. "Genie in a Bottle" became "Gina in a Bottle" and we would laugh, singing to my Christina Aguilera CD while it played on the bulky stereo system perched on the old cart in my basement.

"Dude (Looks Like A Lady)" by Aerosmith

The opening riff of this song will forever remind me of Mrs. Doubtfire, a childhood movie I've seen more times than I could count and one I could probably quote word-for-word. I fell in love with the humor of Robin Williams when I first watched Mrs. Doubtfire, and from then on, Robin Williams became one of my favorite actors. To this day, even years after his passing, he is still a favorite. The comedy of all of his movies, from The Birdcage to Good Morning, Vietnam, induces such genuine laughter. Robin Williams had such a unique and bright personality, and I was deeply saddened when I heard about his suicide back in 2014. I will always remember him as a goofy, incredibly talented comedian and actor. And although he seemed so happy on the outside, he was fighting his own devastating battle on the inside.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always. - Robin Williams

"My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion

Continuing with the theme of songs from movies, "My Heart Will Go On" is one that will always be special for me. As someone who is intrigued by all things Titanic-related, the movie Titanic is no exception. But it wasn't Kate and Leo's performance that made it especially memorable for me. It was the theme song. "My Heart Will Go On" was one of the first popular songs I learned how to play on the piano when I was in third grade. It quickly became my favorite (and most impressive) song to play. So much so, that I ended up playing it in the fourth grade talent show.

My grandfather, who adored Celine Dion, absolutely loved "My Heart Will Go On" and it became a common request for me to play it on the piano whenever I visited my grandparents. As intimidating as my grandfather could be, he also had a very gentle side, a side that loved all things music. He encouraged my involvement in piano and in music, and I will always be grateful for his enthusiasm, pushing me to work harder along the way and be proud of my achievements.

"Crawling" by Linkin Park

In the early 2000s, my pop music phase was followed by my angsty pre-teen and teenage years of alternative music. The rise of Linkin Park corresponded with my increasing struggle to feel seen and accepted as I entered middle school and high school. Not so much in the beginning, but later, as my close group of friends disbanded, I felt abandoned, ignored, and alone. One of my friends had moved out of state after freshman year of high school, disrupting the tight-knit group we formed in middle school. The bond between the four of us unraveled and I was left on the outside, wondering why I was always the one left behind. Chester Bennington's powerful lyrics struck me, wrangling all of the anger and frustration inside. I would close myself in my room and blast Linkin Park from the five-disc CD changer stereo system on my dresser, letting heavy chords and screaming vocals vibrate in my head, under my skin. I scribbled lyrics in the margins of my notebooks, a chronicle of my emotions as I wrote.

Only now do I realize that Linkin Park helped me through a period of depression during high school as I drifted with no real close friends. Even now, as an adult, I revert back to songs like "Crawling" when I am upset, angry, or frustrated. Sometimes I find myself blasting songs that are now twenty years old, conjuring up my teenage self who relied on music as therapy.

"Clocks" by Coldplay

Around the same time I started listening to Linkin Park, I also started listening to Coldplay, on the other side of the alternative music spectrum. "Clocks" was an instant favorite for me, the piano intro grabbing me right away. Along with "My Heart Will Go," I learned "Clocks" on the piano and it became a fun song to play. And just like "My Heart Will Go On," "Clocks" became a request of family members whenever I sat at the piano.

Twenty years later, it is still my go-to song to play completely from memory. Playing the intro instilled a confidence I had never felt before.

Although I don't listen to Coldplay much anymore, they hold a special place in my life. My first concert was a Coldplay concert the summer after I graduated from high school. The concert tickets were a graduation present from my aunt. She bought tickets for my cousin, my brother, and I, and all three of us enjoyed the amazing talent of Chris Martin and the rest of the band live. I remember needing to use the bathroom during the opening bands, but I refused to leave out of fear of missing Coldplay's entrance. Once "Viva La Vida" started, I never left my seat. I was so blown away and wrapped up in the excitement of the music that I had completely forgotten that I had to pee.

"Time" by Hans Zimmer

Another song from a movie. But this one is different.

Inception is a great movie. But it's the way this song hits. The way the notes strike nerve endings, as if the bow of a violin is gently drawn across the skin. The dynamics and dramatic build really make this song a masterpiece. You can feel yourself ascend with every crescendo and fall with every decrescendo. A rising and falling. The goosebumps that flourish on the surface of your skin. The warmth that blossoms within your chest.

Or maybe that is just my experience.

"The Power of Love" by Celine Dion

Like "My Heart Will Go On," this song brings back memories of my grandfather. Celine Dion was one of his favorites and her music would be playing on the stereo most days in my grandparents' house. This song brings back both happy and sad memories, but one particular moment stands out the most for me.

Eleven years ago, standing in the funeral home, waiting to leave for my grandfather's funeral service. The funeral home played soft instrumental music as we waited, adding to the melancholic atmosphere. It only took a few notes for me to recognize the song. An instrumental version of "The Power of Love." I smiled with tears in my eyes. I'm sure it was just a coincidence, but they couldn't have played a better song for my grandfather on that day.

"Riptide" by Vance Joy

This song became one of my anthems of grad school. Listening to the alternative radio station commuting to and from Philadelphia, "Riptide" was a song that was guaranteed to be on the playlist. And just like Vance Joy was "scared of dentists and the dark," I was scared of falling short in grad school, always worrying about failing a test or inadvertently sabotaging my research.

"Good Life" by OneRepublic

The upbeat tempo of "Good Life" needs no explanation. Whenever I am feeling happy, empowered, grateful, or optimistic, I turn on this song. For more than ten years, this song has been my "happy" song, through times of celebration and love.

"Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve

Saving one of the best songs for last, "Bitter Sweet Symphony" is one of my all-time favorites. It perfectly encapsulates the brutal truth of life. It reminds us that life can be both uplifting and heavy simultaneously. There is no right way to live, but we each make it our own.

My list could go on indefinitely, but these are ten of the most influential and memorable songs of my life so far. I am constantly adding to my list.

The days when Spotify can read my mind are the days I smile the most.