Beth’s playlist

“Ugh, I hate Mondays. Especially Monday mornings when I have to get up and go to school.”

“Beth, you say something?”

“Never mind, mom!” I call back as I scramble out of bed, grab my clothes and head for the bathroom.

As I am just reaching the door my brother Caleb rushes by pushing me into the wall, “Coming through!”

“Jerk!” I struggle to stay upright and check to see if my shoulder is ok.

“Beth, go use my bathroom, but hurry or your going to be late.” Mom says as she limps past me down the hall to the kitchen. “I will get your lunch ready to go, do you want something for breakfast?”

“No. I don’t eat breakfast.” I say a little too harshly as I head the other direction for Mom’s ensuite.

“Nice attitude. Pick up the pace, and don’t leave a mess in my bathroom!” Why is she always blaming me for everything. I am not the only one who makes a mess. She doesn’t tell Caleb not to make a mess.

Just minutes later I am walking down the street to the school. Backpack swinging heavy on my back and the thoughts running through my head are things I am praying don’t happen today. Like being singled out in class or told I look stupid. No one likes me, I think and then shake my head. No, Christie likes me and Zoe said she was my friend. I am going to be ok. I can get through this and as long as I don’t make a mistake, others will like me to.

I walk up the front steps into the school, trying not to be obvious that I am nervous and scared of almost everyone around me.

“Hey Beth, ready for another Monday?” Christie grabs my arm and we walk through the halls together.

“I am now.” I say with a smile and silently thank God for sending Christie my way.

Classes go on as normal and the day ends without any disasters or bad scenes of me embarrassing myself. I felt like Mr Mason was angry at most of us for not opening our books fast enough or handing in our work sheets fast enough. Maybe it was just a typical Monday for him too. A day hated by most of us because it is the first day of the week were we have to be productive.

I know the world isn’t out to get me and the voice in my head that says I am stupid, ugly, hated by everyone, is wrong. But somedays it isn’t easy to believe. Somedays I do feel like everyone hates me or is mad at me. I don’t think I am alone in feeling like this either. Kids around me have a look on their faces sometimes that just makes me think they too are feeling hated, picked on and not fitting in.

I walk home and as I am walking through the front door I hear my Mom limping down the hallway towards me. “Hey kiddo, how was your day?”

“Fine.” I say as I drop my bag and kick off my shoes.

“Hey, put your stuff away please. I can’t keep tripping over things. One of these days I may fall and then we will have a real problem.” Mom has arthritis, bad. I mean really bad. She limps because her hip needs to be replaced but they wont do the surgery till she can’t walk anymore. Something about her being too young for it and the replacement only lasts about 30 years, so they would just have to do it again. Makes no sense to me but then I am not a doctor. Nor do I plan to be. She has been limping for a few years and when we go anywhere she brings a walker so she can be more stable. It also works as a chair for her when she needs to take a break. I think the pain makes her grumpy, but sometimes she gets mad at every little thing and it makes me just not wanna be near her.

“Ya, ok, ok. I will” I kick my shoes into the closet and toss my backpack up against the wall near the closet. Then I quickly pull off my coat and hang it up, only it doesn’t stay on the hook and falls to the floor. I figure it is close enough and not in the way, so good enough. Nope, mom clears her throat and gives me a look. I huff out a breath and go back to fix it. If I hadn’t, she would have started yelling I am sure.

“Bring your dirty clothes out of your room please and any dishes you may have in there. I hate that you keep taking food into your room after my telling you not to over and over.”

“Ok.” Under my breath I mutter “Give me a break.” I go to my room and kick the clothes from the floor into a pile as I grab the 3 kitchen items, just 3, and take them to the kitchen counter. Then I go back and scoop up the pile of clothes and carry them to the laundry where mom is sorting piles for washing.

“Where do you want these?” She looks up at me and points to an empty spot beside her. I drop them and walk away as quickly as I can before she recruits me to help sort. I thought for sure she was going to make me sort, but she didn’t.

I flop down on my bed, grab my ear buds and turn on some tunes to avoid hearing her call me back for more chores. I needed to destress. Ahhh, my playlist starts up and the world melts away. Dreaming by Blondie from 1979 starts up and I can’t help but wonder if my Mom was into this song when she was younger or if it was still before her time.

As I settle in on my bed the next song, Suddenly Last Summer by the Motels, plays and my mind starts thinking of places I have been and seen. People I have met and wonder where they are now. Do they think of me too?

“Beth!” My brother has entered my room and is red in the face like he is mad. “Mom said to go set the table for dinner.”

“Ok, relax. And get out of my room!” I hate that he is only one year younger than me and thinks he can do what ever he likes. He never seems to get yelled at like I do, but he does the same things. He doesn’t have to do as many chores, or it seems like it anyway. Maybe being the youngest is better or maybe he is the favourite. This is when the music changes and Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd begins to play. I wish I was as free as a bird, I think to myself as I walk out of my room and head for the kitchen.

As I am setting the table and moving to the music I realize my mother is watching me. I stop and face her. “What?”

“What are you listening to?” She asks with a smile.

“Just some older stuff.” I say as I shrug my shoulders and turn to put the last pieces of cutlery on the table.

“Like what? You seem to be in a good mood, so I am curious what tunes can make you happy.”

“Well, right now Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen is coming on and next is I wont back down by Tom Petty.”

Her eyes are wide and a smile is growing wider as she says, “Wow, I had no idea you liked or even knew who those guys were. You have great taste. Did you discover them on your own or did someone introduce you too them?”

“Well partly you and dad cause sometimes you guys play this stuff in the car and partly from searching on the web. I like them cause there is memories I get from some of them and some are about the way they make me feel. But mostly because they help me forget the stuff that is going on around me or that has stressed me out in the day.

“I love that you have found music that can do that for you. Your pretty smart to be able to figure this out at your age. Thirteen is a tough age and finding something that helps you deal, on your own, is awesome.”

“Oh kay…whatever.” I never expected that. I thought she was going to make fun of my choices or tell me I was silly or something. Maybe my mom does appreciate me.

Then suddenly as I am trying to walk away from her to go back to my room, she reaches out and pulls me into a hug. “I love you kiddo. You surprise me every once in a while and I am impressed with the person you are becoming.”

“Um, thanks. I love you too.”

Later when dinner is done and I can finally get back to being alone in my room, I am anxious to listen to more of my playlist. It helps me to be calm and I can relax better when I am listening to it. Maggie Mae by the Beatles starts and I can feel my anxiety melting away. Then Dream on by Aerosmith and Here I go again by Whitesnake and I am in a world no one can take away from me. I know my life is just beginning really, and there is much more to come, but I have a life time of music I can lean on to help me get through whatever the future brings.