Best Songs About Masturbation

Sex, drugs, and rock and roll is a motif that’s almost as old as rock and roll music itself. It’s a perceived lifestyle that is so prevalent in the industry that it’s almost a prerequisite to making a timeless song and charting a hit record. And so we’ve entered a sexy era of bands making rhythmic odes to the human condition and all that messy horniness that comes with it. And with all that horniness comes masturbation—and with all that masturbation eventually comes awesome music about masturbation. Just because they have all that backstage action doesn’t mean they don’t indulge too! It’s a vicious cycle really. But what can we do? We’re only human. We’re only horny wankers. While you’re pondering the deepness in that revelation, check out this list of bands that did indulge and wrote songs about masturbation to pass the time between sex, drugs, and rock and roll:

“When masturbation’s lost its fun/You’re fucking lazy/Bite my lip and close my eyes?/Take me away to paradise/I’m so damn bored/I’m going blind”

You can’t sing those lyrics without remembering the first time you realized just how dirty it was. This 90s hit song by the iconic rock trio, Green Day, remains the anthem of teens everywhere. Sitting around. So bored. So lazy. Stuck on the couch in heat. Doing nothing except masturbating and going blind. Basically sums up life, right?

“When there’s no one else in sight/In the crowded lonely night/Well I wait so long/For my love vibration/And I’m dancing with myself”

Okay, this one might actually just be about dancing on your own. But with lyrics like “my love vibration” one has to think otherwise. One has to think of lots of rubbing and lots of pulsating and lots of sweat. Let’s just hope Billy Idol wasn’t really doing it exhibitionist style in a crowd lonely.

“I don’t want anybody else/And when I think about you I touch myself”

This pithy salute to masturbation is one of the best things you will ever hear about doing the deed. Most songs about flying solo rely on innuendos and allusion but the DiVinyls refuse to shy away and put it on blast for the world to hear. Leave it to the Aussie’s to take things to the next level.

“You’ve got me turning up and turning down/And turning in and turning ‘round/I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese”

This 80s band tells it like it is! This song colorfully dances around the O-face that you make when your body gets stiff and your legs starts shaking and you close your eyes and yell in pleasure. Yeah it’s high key racist, but it’s catchy as hell. The Vapors takes extreme masturbation and micro-aggressions and transforms them into something creepy yet beautiful.

“Lily helped me sleep at night/Pictures of Lily solved my childhood problems/Pictures of Lily helped me feel alright”

Who knew The Who were such wankers? This power pop jam really says it all. Sexual confusion. Puberty. A father giving his son masturbation material. What a song! What a story! We wish our parents were that progressive. If they were, maybe we’d have something to write a song about.

"I was alone, I was all by myself/No one was looking, I was thinking of you/Oh yeah, did I mention I was all by myself"

Green Day again! Yeah this punk rock trio really knows a thing or two about right hand love. All we can say is that Billy Joe must have been seriously sexually frustrating while making this album, Dookie. This short little jam about solo sex and Longview are both on it. This guy needs to get off his couch and make contact with the outside world sometime!

"Even though it may be a little bit disgusting/Can't call a bitch and it ain't got no drama/It's called a new sensation/Called 'The Right Hand-A-Rama'"

Okay, was there actually anyone out there who didn't know that this song was about masturbating? The Network, a confirmed side project by Green Day (surprise, surprise), has gone to great lengths to serenade the age-old hobby of choking the snake. Some bands go for the subtle approach and others choose to hit you over the head with it. The Network clearly cherry-picked hitting you over the with it with this new wave jingle about beating the log. Seriously Bill Joe, can you pick another hobby?

“Well you tried it just for once found it all right for kicks/But now you found out that it’s a habit that sticks/And you’re an orgasm addict, you’re an orgasm addict/Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines/Now your mother wants to know what all those stains on your jeans”

This fast paced punk rock song seriously slays. Orgasm Addict is a high spirited salute to whacking off with all the thrills and breathy orgasmic moans to go with it. Of course, it’s comes as no surprise that a band with a name like Buzzcocks and a no holds bar attitude would draft a song about masturbation. In fact, they’ve penned several songs on the subject (not unlike Green Day). This particular nasty song by the British rogues follows the plight of a young chap so addicted to the pleasure of orgasms that his jeans are drenched in stains and jizz. He literally just can’t keep his hands to himself. The struggle is real.

“Stroke me, stroke me/Stroke me, stroke me/Say you’re a winner, but man you’re just a sinner now”

We can’t decide whether this song is about sex or masturbation, but for arguments sake we’re going to with masturbation. It’s the thought that counts, right? I mean who can think of the word stroke without thinking about a good old solo stroke session. See? It goes along that well! What sinner wouldn’t like to envision a young Billy Squire in all his glory having a personal wank off?

"Photograph/don't want your/Photograph/I don't need your/Photograph/ all I've got is a photograph/But it's not enough"

A guy, a hand, and a photograph. It's a solo love story for the ages. English band, Def Leppard mixed glam and heavy metal to churn out this 80s rock classic about a guy coping with a breakup by masturbating to ex-girlfriend’s photograph. We can only wonder what she would have thought of that. Maybe that’s why the relationship didn’t last… but it’s better to have wanked and lost than to have never wanked at all, right? We know Joe Elliot certainly thought so!

“Let me go on, like I blister in the sun/Let me go on, big hands I know your the one/Body and beats, I stain my sheets/I don’t even know why”

Who could pen a list of songs about masturbating without mentioning the Femmes?! They jotted this timeless masturbation celebration in 1983. The Violent Femmes fucking ride with this song that we can only infer is about getting off so much that they’re getting blisters on their hands in the scorching sun. This doesn’t exactly make for a great wank session, but it does make for a great post-punk song! The band later came out and insisted that this isn’t what the song is actually about, but I think we know what’s what.

So there we have it! A list of classic rock and roll bands saluting the inner pervert in all of us. A celebration to masturbation. A shout out to all of those with their cocks out, with the exception of The DiVinyls (women need self-love too). But from father and son bonding to creepy obsessive guys longing for their ex-girlfriends via photographs, we’ve seen it all! So what have we learned? Iconic rock stars are people too and all people need need a private one on one session with their right hand now and again. Billy Joe might need a break though! Seriously, that guy has logged more masturbating hours than all the other bands combined. But that’s beside the point. These songs about masturbation are all worth checking out. This list is in no way definitive. We recommend you go out there and explore the fabulous world of music and find some songs about masturbation on your own. You never know what other dirtiness is lying out there in wait hoping for you to discover it!