Behind the beat: til it happens to you

So when you go through something hard or messy it's hard to figure out how to explain what you went through to other people. Imagine when people not only don't get what you went through but they say all the wrong things or they say all those cliches that well meaning people say but they don't really help.

"When it happens to you" by Lady Ga Ga is a song that says what we all think when those well meaning people come around and say the wrong things or the cliches. You can hear and feel the frustration in her voice. Ga Ga is a sexual assault survivor and recorded the song for the documentary called "The Hunting Ground." The film was all about the rapes and assaults that occur on college campuses and how the colleges cover them up. "The hunting ground" also talks about how the colleges protect the students who rape or assault other students. When I watched the film it pissed me off that something like this happens.

After I was assaulted a lot of people had those well meaning cliches, questions and advice of how I should handle this going forward. Some of the questions I can handle if they're asked in a nice why, it's the advice from people who don't know what I'm going through that I can't stand. It's also the cliches that get under my skin. The advice I usually get is stuff like "let it go", "just don't talk about", and "you should just go to a therapist". Now if the questions are stuff like "did this really happen?", "why didn't you report it if it happened?" and "what were you wearing?" it does get on my nerves. If advice is coming from other survivors or experts then I'm ok. Experts and other survivors know how to talk to the survivors.

This song is more than a pissed off, tired of the well meant cliches, advice and questions. The song is what we all want to say but can't because if we do we risk of hurting someone's feelings. We all know those people who haven't been through what we've been through but then they want to open their mouth and say something like "I know how toy feel." They may also say something that will make us think "Did you really just say that?" We know they are trying to help but it doesn't feel like it.

To me this song gave me the courage to tell people what I really thought, to stand up for myself and to be honest with people who maybe said the wrong thing at the wrong time. It gave me the strength to know that it is ok to take offense with what people say to me and to have something to say back to them. It taught me that it is ok to be hurt by some of the comments people say.

When I was sexually assaulted by my ex I was going through a tough time. People didn't know how to handle it which is fair, not a lot of people know what to say in this situation. Rape and other sexual misconduct is becoming more common these days so people need to learn not to victim shame. They also need to learn sometimes these well meaning cliches come off wrong or are not needed. Sometimes all survivors want to hear things along the lines of "what you're going through sucks" or "I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine." You sometimes don't need the perfect words, all you need to do is be there, and to listen. Just being there for someone is a lost art, we don't know how to do that anymore. We forget that life is messy and that we need to allow people the time to be messy.

I hope you enjoyed this look at the song "til it happens to you" and what it means to me. I hope you got a little insight into me and the me too survivors. Be kind!