Animal Workout Playlist

If there's one thing I can live without, it's watching other people exercise. I don't want to see stretchy workout clothes on lithe bodies bending and bouncing with the dogged determination of a -- well, of a dog unless I can do the moves myself. Which I can't and never could.

Besides the fact that I can't touch my toes, can't balance on a giant ball and can't dance, I find the easy agility of most instructors leaves me feeling inadequate on a good day and downright depressed on a bad one.

What to do? I know that boring repetitions and dreary routines are the pathways to fitness.

Or are they?

What if there was another way? Why not say goodbye to Ms. Lulu Lemon and her strapping partner, Mr. Gym Shark and give my faltering ego a break? How about a workout that would exercise my limbs a little less and my happiness muscles a little more?

How you might ask? Well, by making exercise more joyful. How, you might ask yet again?

Simple really. Create a workout built around happy rules that allow for more mental flexibility and demand less physical flexibility.

1. No special clothing requirements. Throw the Lycra out the door.

2. No co-ordination required. Nevermore would I listen to some hopped up, perky voice drilling me; one, two three and right, one two three and back, one two three and up and breathe one, two three.

3. No more ear-splitting side-B disco music recorded on a cassette in the instructor's basement in 1980. I want to sing along. Or at least hum along. Copyright be damned.

4. A short 10 minute workout time. That includes warm-up and cool-down, which are the two parts I excel at. Anything over 10 minutes is punishment and we're not into that here.

5. No mirrors on the walls and nobody bending over in front of me. In other words, I work alone and in my own living room and the view doesn't have any cracks.

6. My television is my instructor. My playlist consists of YouTube videos strung together on a playlist and if I don't feel like moving, I can grab some popcorn and watch without guilt.

That's about it. Except for the main part of the idea which is that I am going to exercise with animals, not people.

Why animals? I like animals. They never judge and they never wear sweatpants. They exercise and dance and play in a way that nature intended. If they have extra calories to burn, they do whatever is required to stay lean and fit. And they do it in a most amusing way. That's my idea. An animal workout playlist.

Here's the list. You have to make up your own moves but don't worry, whether you do jumping-jacks, sit-ups, lift weights or belly dance, it's all good.

FLAMINGO WARM-UP

It starts with a nice calm warm-up. Walk around, lift your knees high, flap your wings (I mean your arms) and take in the lovely scenery.

PUPPY STEP-UP

Who wouldn't find puppies on a treadmill amusing? Or is that an escalator? No matter, they are as cute as can be and the Bee Gees soundtrack makes this even more adorable.

PARAKEET HEAT

You will want to jump around to this and if you don't usually go in for head-banging you might now.

BEAR GETS DOWN

This techno-bear has all the moves. Wiggle or stretch or watch. Or find your back-scratcher and play along.

COOL-DOWN

Be amazed. All you need to do is watch and be hypnotized. This underwater ballet will lower your pulse and relax your mind.

That's my plan. Once in the morning and once in the evening. And even if I can't motivate my heartbeat to aerobic levels, I can at least smile for a while.

And who would argue that smiling isn't at least as important as sweating?