All Smiles

The year is 2016. While working alone in my apartment, I’m becoming increasingly aggravated that my MacBook Pro won’t just let me be great. As an aspiring rapper, songwriter and producer with only small windows of time between my soul-sucking 9-5 job, these moments of ‘freedom’ to create are truly precious. Usually, when one thinks of a color wheel, it would seemingly bring feelings of joy or comfort....but for Apple users...well...F**k Color Wheels!! The vultures had slowly but surely been swarming around my laptop’s lifeline for some time now and I think that...this might be….CRAAAAAAAAASSHHHHHH….black screen.

Before reaching this moment of darkness, on my laptop screen and in my heart, I must preface what comes next with a confession. I am a Black man living with clinical depression and anxiety. What may seem like a small occurrence to some, may push others into a waterfall of emotions. Sure, you may say ‘it’s just a computer and can be replaced,’ or ‘there are worse things that can happen.’ However, hundreds of songs, song starts, beats, ideas, and compositions were gone in a matter of moments. When you are confronted with a scenario like the one I’m describing, you could be sent into a pit of heavy darkness that could literally keep you from getting out of bed for days, even weeks.

By this time, I’d discovered therapy, having first started with my therapist in 2014. In my community, this is major. It was commonplace for my white counterparts to not only go to therapy but to talk about it openly amongst friends. In the Black community, therapy or mental health can be looked upon as a luxury or ‘something for white folks.’ We are accustomed to coping with mental illness in other ways:

Pray It Away - ‘God won’t give you nothing you can’t handle, baby. Now ask Him to bless you and take your pain away.’

Go see 'Big Momma' - ‘Come here baby, give me a hug. Everything gon’ be alright. Life can get hard, but smile...it could be worse.’

Be ‘Strong’ - ‘Bruh...the f**k wrong with you? Suck that s**t up!!’

Keep It To Yourself - ‘Nobody else out there could ever understand what I’m going through, so what’s the use of talking about it.’

Self-Medicate - ‘Po’ up-- DRANK! Headshot--DRANK! Stand Up--DRANK! Sit down--DRANK!’ - Kendrick Lamar, “Swimming Pools,” 2015

Fortunately for me, I’ve learned how to truly cope with mental illness after years of going to see a paid professional. Among other things, one of the main ways that help when I feel the darkness creeping in is playlisting. On this particular day, after the pain I felt inside for the death of my MacBook, I pulled out my iPhone and headed over to Spotify to eulogize my fallen comrade with a playlist aptly titled, “Crash.” I start compiling songs that serve as my emotional bodyguards against depression’s attempt to assassinate my joy once again.

One artist whose music serves as a cape through darkness is none other than Kid Cudi. This playlist, which should probably be titled “Use In Case Of Emergency Only,” shows the power of Cudi’s light in the darkness. One of the songs that I add to the playlist, and instantly play that fateful day is his ever calming, brooding yet hopeful “Speedin’ Bullet 2 Heaven.” The opening chords evoke the feelings of emotions as cars, competing on the proverbial race track of loneliness, darkness, and despair. But when those drums and guitar riffs join in, the race no longer feels as tiring.

Oh if I crash, oh if I crash

Or if I land, no matter the case

I’m all smiles, I’m all smiles

-Kid Cudi, “Speedin Bullet 2 Heaven,” 2015

Those opening lines always calm my fears, slow down my hyper anxiety-induced heartbeat, and let me know that no matter what, I will be ok. It’s not just the lyrics, but it’s the way Cudi croons. I mean...his voice sounds and feels like a warm wool blanket that you’d want to wrap yourself up in to stay warm in a Colorado ranch during the wintertime. “Speedin Bullet 2 Heaven” serves as a card I can pull when it feels like this life is too much. A lifeline.

I find myself returning to this song when pain can seem insurmountable. I played it when my grandfather succumbed to cancer later that summer. I played it when, after I finally got the nerve to quit that soul-sucking 9-5 job, I went broke and could no longer afford to feed, clothe or shelter myself or my then-girlfriend, now wife. I play it whenever I feel the darkness starting to seep in my pores due to things out of my control. What that song does for me, not only gives me comfort but also empowers me to battle my demons with a smile on my face.

Oh when I crash, oh when I crash

Or if I land, no matter the case

I’m all smiles, I’m all smiles, I’m all smiles

Give a f**k what they say

I’m all smiles, I’m all smiles

Oh if I fall, if I fall

Or if I glide, no matter the case

I’m all smiles, I’m all smiles

-Kid Cudi, “Speedin Bullet 2 Heaven,” 2015

As Cudi blares in my bedroom, I’m all smiles with my eyes closed. At this point, I’m calm enough to pick up the phone and call Micro Center to set a diagnostic appointment to attempt to extract whatever hasn't totally been lost in the fire. This ain’t the first time I’ve revisited “Speedin Bullet 2 Heaven.” It definitely will not be the last, God willing I’ve got a lot more living to do. But thankfully, as I sit here and reflect on how far I’ve come in my mental health journey...I’m all smiles.