Valera Zatvornickij
Stories (1/0)
My fuc*ing 22
Hello, I'm Valera, I'm 22, I want to tell you about my 22 years. I have had many ups and downs in my life. But each fall hardened in me a quiet horror with which I live now and see it every day. Thoughts and voices in my head that do not allow me to calmly communicate with friends, passers-by and family. I want to share my experiences, thoughts and problems with which I tried to fight and still struggle. But let's start from the beginning. I was born as a long-awaited child in a wonderful family with a loving father and a wonderful mother. Everything was going exactly as it should be in infancy. I don’t remember much from that time, but something is still imprinted in my memory. It all started like an ordinary average child with bedtime stories, walks and a lot of attention. I grew up and gained strength. Learned to do the banal things. Every day was like a new discovery for me. First word, first step, laughter, tears. The joy of all relatives and a lot of attention at first. On the whole, my unconscious age, according to my recollections, passed in the best possible way. But everything changed after my mother ended maternity leave and she went to work. At that moment, my childhood ended and things that were not clear to me at that time began to appear in my head. From childhood, I only remember my Grandmother, grandmother, a little grandfather when my grandmother was distracted by him and then again my grandmother. She did everything to ensure that I had enough attention and was not bored. She always tried to come up with some new activity for me so that I would once again be distracted from time and not wait for my parents to come home from work. And I really wanted to play with my parents so that they would give me a couple of minutes. Instead, every time I heard - Come on later, not now, and a bunch of similar excuses. And to me, a child with childish thinking and ignorance of how things happen in life, these five minutes of attention were sorely lacking. In addition to this, I had an older sister who was insanely jealous and harbored an insane resentment towards me. But then it no longer lived with us, and therefore I don’t have clear pictures of my sister in childhood. Perhaps this is all that remains in my memory from childhood. That was my happiest time. The time when you absolutely do not care about what is happening around. Opening your eyes, you are looking for familiar faces, trying to give some signs, eat, sleep and do not think about what will happen tomorrow. But this did not last long. Growing up in my head there are more and more questions about how everything works, and now a new stage has come in my life, it was a kindergarten. I remember how now, as the first time, I threw myself on the floor at the feet of my mother and cried so that she would not leave me. Because these 10 minutes while we were walking to the kindergarten, I felt like a child and could enjoy these wonderful moments alone with my mother. After all, in the evening my grandmother will pick me up, but no matter how hard she tried, she could not give me what I wanted to receive from my mother. Over time, I got used to the fact that I had no choice and calmly let my mother go, without tears and screams. After my mother left me and went to work - and she worked a lot, a lot to provide for her family and me. Dad also worked, but in my childhood memory there were no memories with dad. He worked, came, went to bed, pressed the button on the remote control and disappeared from life.
By Valera Zatvornickij2 years ago in Psyche