Stephanie Van Orman
I write novels like I am part-printer, part book factory, and a little girl running away with a balloon. I'm here as an experiment and I'm unsure if this is a place where I can fit in. We'll see.
Full Closets and Nothing to Wear
Have you ever stared into your full closet and said the despairing words, "I have nothing to wear"? If you start complaining that you have nothing to wear, an enraged bunny wearing a tailored pantsuit will appear in your closet and start lecturing you about the benefits of a capsule wardrobe. Don't listen to her. Capsule wardrobes are for people going on vacation with limited packing space. It's impractical for a woman who doesn't want to wear the same theme every day.
Why I Can't Join Book Club
Every so often, I have someone ask me to join their book club. I'd love to join their book club, but I can't. Actually, it's not even a good idea for me to explain to them why I can't join their club. That would take a solid three minutes and the person who's asking will be a content with a polite 'no, thank you' since that answers their question.
The 'Blade Runner' Question
Something that I find very interesting whenever I read an article about Blade Runner film theory is that they never (and I do mean NEVER) mention the book the movie is based on. It's called Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep by Philip K. Dick. Instead, everyone gets caught up in this question: Is Deckard a replicant?
The Books on a Shelf
My parents were not into home decorating. One time they went out to buy a piece of art to cover a bare bit of wall over a sofa. They went to the store and fought in front of the framed pictures for three hours. They came home with a water lily painting by Monet because that was the only thing they could agree on. This story kills me because I can't think of anything less style-neutral than a water lily painting by Monet. In any case, we owned four humongous bookcases which covered most of the rest of the available wall space.
Writers Exchange Reviews
I'm a novelist and I love getting reviews for my books. I like them because they say things like, 'I loved this book. I read it all night. I couldn't put it down.' Or, 'I don't usually read books like this, but I gave this one a shot and it surprised me over and over. It was a really great read.' Or, my absolute favorite, 'This is the best book I've read on this site.'
It's Okay If You Don't Read My Book
"I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to reading your book! I've been so busy lately." That's one of my friends talking. It doesn't matter which one. A lot of them say that. I don't mind and I mean I REALLY don't mind when my friends don't get around to reading my books. Particularly the dudes. If you're a dude and you haven't gotten around to reading my books... it's all for the best. REALLY.
Skip Sleeping Beauty
As a novelist, I'm always thinking of the best medium for a story to be told. Epic fantasy should be in video game format so that you can kill the monsters yourself. That would be far more satisfying than watching someone else do it. Mysteries should be in movie format because a cozy mystery should never take more than one night to complete. It's even better if you can cuddle with someone on the couch. Opera should not be played on the radio in the car. You should only listen to opera in an opera house. Outside its context, it's hollow and strange. I can understand the presentation of fairy tales in different formats, but Sleeping Beauty should be used in only one way. Let me take you there.
You might begin reading this story about a traumatizing wedding dress thinking that is about how I carefully bought a wedding dress, poured all my little girl dreams into it only to have my groom horrifically betray me and for me to burn my wedding dress in an old oil drum at the dock. This is not that story, but I'd read that in a heartbeat.
The Autism Talk
On occasion, a parent will approach me and whisper in a hushed tone, "I think my child is autistic." I turn on them and say without any whispering or muttering because I am no where near as fearful as they are, "If you think your child is autistic, they probably are."
- Top Story - August 2023
If I Click On That... I Will Be PunishedTop Story - August 2023
The other day, I saw a story pop up on my newsfeed about a controversial film that was recently released. I will not tell you the name of the film, as that might color the way you read this article. Besides, it is not important. The important thing is that I wanted to learn more about it, but I hesitated to press the link. If I pressed that link, my preferences would be changed and I would get hordes of stories of a similar nature.