Neil Cochrane
Stories (2/0)
It's Not Your Fault
I'm 31 years of age. At the age of 5 (or so I'm told), I attempted to hang myself with my school tie. At 31 years of age, it breaks my heart to attempt to fathom how hopeless life must be for someone so young to take the decision to end it all. I only remember bits and pieces from those days. I know that I had difficulty forming friendships with other children. I know that I had a tendency to take people at their word; to assume people were always honest, and of course this made me vulnerable and it was easy to take advantage of me. I was naive. Other kids seemed to realise this very quickly and this was the start of it. Being the butt of jokes and the source of amusement for other kids. I remember it was hurtful but I also know I didn't always realise when it was happening. My parents loved me very much of course, but the pain I was suffering must have been so great that I didn't want to live anymore. Had I succeeded in my suicide attempt, it would not have been their fault. They raised me to be honest, and to see others as honest and encountering the worst in people was clearly a shock to me that I didn't understand.
By Neil Cochrane7 years ago in Longevity
Living with Anxiety & Depression
Sunday morning I woke up, and I've barely slept a wink since. I roll around thinking "I really need to get some sleep" but I'm too aware of the need. My brain won't stop. I'm having dozens of hypothetical conversations in my head while worrying about things that don't matter that much and it feels like adrenaline is the only thing keeping me going. I stand up and feel the blood rushing through my arms, legs and head. It's like I feel every pulse and my heart wants to remind me that it's still working but the sensation brings me no comfort. My eyes are hanging out of my head but I can't relax my mind. Part of me says "find someone who sells weed, it'll shut you down and you can relax peacefully" but another part says "that isn't the answer, it'll probably make things worse".
By Neil Cochrane7 years ago in Longevity