'Confronting My Child's Abuser' Pt.1
Wow, I can't believe I actually wrote that title. Reading it makes me feel so many different emotions. Guilty, stupid, scared, fearful, upset, angry yet grateful for the air I breath. I thank God for keeping me alive in order to stand up for my son. No one stood up for me. I was 7 years old and not one person cared about my emotions or mental health when I was raped. Some people may think other people have it worse, yes thats true. Yet some people had it better. Our emotions are affected by our environment and experiences... Anyway, I won't go into detail but my lil one was sexual and physically abused by his dad's mum, his grandma. For so many years I was trying to get justice for my lil one, but no one heard me. No one took it seriously. I am facing the effects up till now of what this paedophile did to my family. It disgusts me that Tower Hamlets council will still employ and allow such a monster to work in their local childrens centre but I am only one person. No one listened until my son said something in school. 7 years later, yet at least he said something. I do feel for him because I have to use my voice to fight for him which me I leave him as a target yet I have explained to him I can't do this alone anymore. I need to write about it to get it away from my heart. My son was on a child protection plan for 12 months because I was very ill. I have diabetes type 1 and EPD which took a turn for the worse so I voluntarily allowed my son to live with my mum. A couple months later, my sons dad's mum wanted to support us. She was vetted by the social services. It was arranged that my son would go to his dads mums house once a week. Even writing it, the thought of it...... So many tears. Too much. I still feel so wounded about this situation. How did I reach out for help yet our trust and love was abused. I will never understand why she abused my child, her grandson. I only found out about it by chance yet I looked back over the way they would interact which showed signs but I hadn't realised. I came blame myself, infact I wanted to kill myself. How can this beautiful bundle of joy, this beautiful little boy I had promised that I will protect and ensure he has a better childhood than mine, how did I let him down so much. I thought by reaching out for help would prevent such trauma but it only made it worse. That was in 2012/2013. In 2020, after the first lockdown, I went to visit my mother. On the way back home on the Docklands Light Railway, my childs abuser comes onto the train. I tried to breath in and out. I tried to distract myself. But her voice was getting louder and louder, my heart beating faster and faster. I started shouting paedophile, she's a paedophile. I was not squaring up to her, I was sitting down and she was standing up. I never swore, I just called her what she is. A paedophile. She then turns into my chair, says 'you have mental health' and then punches me in the face three times. It hurt but not as much as my heart did when my lil boy told me the abuse she had done to him. The police was called and that's when I realised that she had done incest too. It is against the law for family to have sexual relations with eachother. Not one person helped me see that between 2012 and 2020. Not even the police. Nobody pointed out that this was a case of incest too. To be honest, realising that it was incest made me relive the abuse of my child all over again. I feel so bad for him. I know I don't control what the child abuser does but I should have protected him more, protected me more. If I die atleast I can say I confronted my childs abuser. I was abused by several people in my childhood yet not one person in my family stood up for me. I can't blame them because they did not have the strength or knowledge too. I stood up for my son and was almost charged by the Metropolitian Police for Public Order because I was calling a child abuser a paedophile. She got away with physically assaulting me. So Lorraine gets away with abusing her grandson and physically abusing me. In both police interviews I was told she kept saying 'its because of her mental health'. So basically she got away with these crimes by blaming and using my mental health. I'm so tired. I was not born to fight everyday. These lies on me, these lies on my son are really breaking me. I would never harm a child, I would never harm an adult. As I said before I will confront her again if I see her. I will not live in fear because of my childs abuser.