In a City of Lights
Pain... an emotion that has been with me my entire life, an emotion so powerful that it has pushed me to try harder and to not try at all. On many occasions I think why bother trying when no one is watching, why try when that girl I like at work doesn't like me back and that pushes me back into the corner of loneliness and I start wondering about all the things that make me unlovable, stressful, undesirable hell even hated and that brings me back to the question that wracks my brain till this very second..."Why?" I do all that I can to impress someone that I've found interest in and I'm considered a "try hard, simp, weirdo" but when I barely try I get people calling me "quiet kid, the guy who might kill us if we bully him too much, psycho, rude" I've tried to follow the trends and it doesn't work. I've tried for so long to be the good guy and look for love in this city of lights and to fail so many times at even getting a first date that I feel destined to die alone, forgotten, unloved, and devoid of emotion. I've tried steeling my emotions and not wearing my heart on my sleeve and the people I find myself growing romantic feelings for suddenly think I hate them or I am mean. At this current point in time I have four romantic interests, A friend who knows of my feelings for them and has never given me a for sure answer but I care about them too much to stop talking to them and doing stuff for them as I've told them many times, A new coworker that I find attractive but unfortunately is already spoken for, A customer turned employee that for almost a year I've been speaking to just told me that they too are in a relationship that has been going on for almost 2 years and I was none the wiser because their partner never came up in conversation and I didn't want to ask because I felt that it was a really personal question, and finally the person that I added on social media that I found attractive and had been wanting to talk to for a while now, that person if my current trends are still accurate will more than likely reject me outright. I've tried dating apps, in person interactions and going to bars and every single form of socializing has led to me being rejected, hurt and in pain. I have longed for someone to love me for so long and have failed at fulfilling that longing that nothing seems worth doing anymore. The lack of companionship that I on the daily to forget, always finds itself back in my face more worse than the last time. I see the benefits of being a lone wolf but its something about companionship that just pulls me in and I hate it, I see couples everyday in my store and they seem happy, my friends are now starting to get married and have kids seem to be living their best life and here I am still single and ready to mingle but no one wants to mingle with me. People go out with their buddies--- I have no buddies, I try and make friends--- they only want to use my skill set and money, I try to pursue love interests--- I get rejected. I am so sick of getting rejected and hurt that I genuinely hate my short comings with a passion. Nowadays I try and look at society like a credit score and what I mean by that is if your societal credit score is trash you are destined for failure in society and unlike financial credit there is very little you can do to raise it. As a male in todays society I am expected to suck it up and keep on pushing, as Chris Rock once said "Only women, children and, dogs are loved unconditionally, a man is only loved on the condition that he can provide something--" and personally I only agree with that at about 80 percent primarily due to the fact that some people are in relationships where the female is the only one bringing home money and the guy sits at home doing nothing, now I've tried to come to the logical conclusion as to how those relationships work and I still can't figure it out as to how those relationships with that type of dynamic make it for as long as they do and I'm still sitting here unable to even get a first date. I've seen relationships that start off on freaking Tik Tok and I can't even send a message without being left on read, like seriously what am I doing wrong that all I get at the end of the day is a list of rejected actions and a punch to the emotional stomach. Studies have shown that you are more likely to find someone you get into a romantic relationship with at work then the chances of you getting hit by a city bus and at this point I'm about ready to just let the bus hit me.