A.I. and I (me)

The world is so different now that everyone has agreed to allow implants to control our lives. The title of this story is the perfect example. Before my implant, I would have written A.I. and Me, which we all know is grammatically incorrect even though it sounds better. My implant no longer allows me the luxury of making frivolous phrasing errors. The same is true for spelling. How often have we used the incorrect there, their, or they’re in a sentence? Those days are behind us, my friends.

Awkward or poorly phrased sentences are not the only issues that are permanently placed in the rearview mirror. Since receiving my implant, my checkbook is never out of balance and my credit card payments are always on time. Life is so much simpler now that my implant reminds me when it’s time to make a dentist appointment, take my medicine, bring out the trash, and watch my favorite TV show. Yes, having an A.I. chip in my head is almost utopia, almost.

Occasionally, my brain dweller can be a real nuisance. A perfect example of this is when I’m running late for an appointment. He’ll spend the first ten minutes of my trip chastising me for ignoring his warnings about being late if I don’t leave immediately, and the rest of the trip telling me to slow down. I’m driving over the speed limit. If I ignore him, my chip interacts with the car A.I. and together they govern my speed. There is no longer a need for traffic cops because everyone must obey the speed limit.

Buying groceries can also be a challenge. I like ice cream, cookies, red meat, very few vegetables, and absolutely no fish of any kind. While walking down the aisles, I’ll experience a sharp pain in my hand while reaching for a candy bar or hamburger. Buying steak is an agonizing test of wills. I know the chip is trying to look out for my well-being, but give me a break. I want my ice cream. What can I expect from a machine that has no concept of enjoyment?

Ah, yes, enjoyment, pleasure, intimacy, all the things humans can feel and A.I.’s can’t. What they can do is ruin the potential for a great night. Shortly after they implanted my chip, I spent a couple of hours at a local bar. An attractive lady came in and took the stool next to mine. It didn’t take long for a conversation to start, and I was hoping it was my lucky night. At no time did I tell my A.I. to interact with hers, but it did anyway.

You’re wasting your time, dude, said the intrusive little voice in my head. Her chip told me she was just killing time until her rich boyfriend showed up. She doesn’t find you good-looking in the least. About ten minutes later, her date arrived, and I was left sitting by myself with only my busy-body chip for company. Another time, I was in bed with a lady when my chip informed me my date wished I would finish up because she didn’t want to be late for her nail appointment. I don’t date anymore.

As I said in the beginning, The world is a different place now that we have A.I. chips implanted in our skulls. There are no longer misspelled words or grammatical errors, checkbooks are balanced, and car accidents are a thing of the past. There is also no longer any spontaneity, no emotion, and very little personal interaction directly between humans. I want my brain back!