When I Began

Late nights, early mornings, a rooster crows... I have had insomnia for as long as I can remember. I always would stay awake long into the early morning, when my siblings would be waking up to go to school but I would get stay home to play all day in my childhood bed which resided in a small office turned Harry Potter-esque closet of a room. What kept me awake? I rarely ever had a nightmare, and if I got scared of the dark I would turn on a night light.

Instead of taking naps or going to sleep, I would play with dolls. I would develop intricate stories and keep myself entertained all day long. I could never turn off my creativity, which is a blessing but can also transform my mind into a hellscape. My first real attempt at trying to write down what bounced around in my head took far longer for me to realize.

I was in 8th grade. I was just coming to discover myself and try to figure out who I was. I had discovered the fact that I liked other girls in the way I was supposed to like boys, and that scared me a bit. I kept it to myself... and then I started talking to one of my friends friend more. Slowly, I started coming out of my shell at school. I was becoming open with who I thought I was -- I was genderfluid and I was attracted to everyone! I felt more comfortable in my skin, and started expressing this in class more. I had a drawing class that helped me visualize what I wanted to be like better, and show case my interests.

I enjoyed art, I loved to draw and it made me happy. I would draw characters from games I liked and I would show my art to my friends. We all started talking more about the games we liked... and then Undertale was released. We were all hooked almost immediately. We shared this one interest and fed int0 each others fantasies. We would call each other by our favorite characters names, and took that as an extension of ourselves.

As time went on, I came to acknowledge my feelings more and more. I found myself with a crush on the very friend that had shown me that I could be open about myself. I felt horrible for it. We were friends, best friends almost. We would hang out constantly, we were close... but I knew my friend didn't -- couldn't -- like me back. They liked a different one of our friends. I didn't stand a chance.

I told my other friends about my feelings for my best friend, I asked for their advice as if they could know better than me... I never should have. They encouraged me to chase my dear friend and that I should ask them out. They tried to be subtle about it in front of our other friends, but they still pushed over and over, asking if my friend "had a crush on anyone", "who they would date out of everyone at the lunch table", and "if they would ever date me". My heart sunk lower and lower with each answer. I had wanted to confess my feelings the next day, but I decided I couldn't do that to our friendship.

I struggled to keep my emotions bottled up, but I couldn't let my friends know how badly this rejection had hurt me. Then, in the dead of night, I got an idea. My first real attempt to write for myself was a fanfiction based on the characters from Undertale that we had both deeply loved. I fantasized about these characters being together, acting out on what I had so deeply wanted in real life via a poorly written story.

I don't like that pairing anymore. They would never have worked out, and I don't think either character had ever really loved the other. It was just teenage experimenting, they found their true loves in someone else.