The Paul Stewart Dictionary

A

Abbraviation noun — undergarment designed to reduce the apparent size of one's breasts.

Example — Though she definitely wore a 44DD bra most days, her abbraviation made them appear much smaller.

Abracadaver noun — the remains of a bra.

Example — Discarded in the rubbish was a Triumph Abracadaver.

Album noun — a prehistoric playlist distributed on plastic.

Example — The old folks in the nursing home reminisced about the ancient ritual of listening to albums from beginning to end. Their favourites included Killers by Iron Maiden, Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) by Wu-Tang Clan, and Kimono My House by Sparks.

Alangram noun — a word created from an anagram of Alan.

Example — Alan proudly pointed out that "anal" was an Alangram, then wondered why nobody wanted to sit next to him.

Alcopopoholic noun — teenager with a drinking problem involving highly sugared premixed alcoholic drinks.

Example — My fourteen-year-old reprobate of a son got pished on WKD and BuzzBalls. He's a bit of an alcopopoholic.

Allenkey noun — specialised tool reluctantly loaned by Alan.

Example — Twist his arm or offer him money if you want to borrow his Allenkey.

AlPaulbet noun — the alphabet according to an award-winning Scottish-Italian writer, poet, satirist and arsehole.

Example — The AlPaulbet is my go-to alphabet these days for manuscripts and poems.

Aluminium noun — the correct spelling of aluminum. See also: facts.

Example — The American tourist insisted it was aluminum. Security escorted him from the premises.

Analcoholic adjective — addicted to anal sex.

Example — They only liked it one way. Pure analcoholic.

Analog noun — butt plug shaped like a piece of driftwood.

Example — The customs officer stared at the oddly shaped piece of driftwood and sighed.

Analphobic adjective — scared of anal sex.

Example — Alan was terrified of the other side. Such a big analphobic normie.

Analphylaxtix adjective — allergic to anal sex.

Example — Allen was like his brother, only worse, and completely analphylaxtix.

Analsceptic noun — an individual who doesn't believe anal sex is possible and/or enjoyable.

Example — Alan had been analsceptic since boarding school.

Annually Retentive noun — stickler for knowing the correct year.

Example — I thought I was annually retentive until I wrongly assumed for the first three months that 2026 was a leap year.

Antitude noun — work ethic and attitude akin to that of an ant.

Example — She's got that get-up-and-go antitude. She's also five foot tall.

Apatheist noun — individual entirely disinterested in deciding what religion to believe in.

Example — Alan always struggled in debates about religion because he was an apatheist.

Apostratheist noun — someone who worships the great deity Apostrophe.

Example — He joined his punctuational congregation at the Great Ampersand Church. He felt complete once he had converted and become an apostratheist.

Arseithitic noun — arse-based form of mathematics.

Example — Preferring to think with his behind, Alan was a genius in the field of arseithitic.

Arsetist noun — individual who creates art using their buttocks and faeces.

Example — Paul Stewart knew he'd never have the skills required to become an accomplished arsetist.

Autumnatic adjective — becoming instantly autumnal for no discernible reason.

Example — They walked down the road to his sister's house and were suddenly overcome with a longing for fallen leaves, melancholy sunsets and The Mamas & the Papas.

Awrite adjective — Scottish for "alright"; can also be used interchangeably with "yes" or "aye".

Example — Awrite? Aye. Sound.

Aye adverb — Scottish for "yes"; often used interchangeably with "okay".

Example — Awrite? Aye. Sound.

AyeBM noun — business-grade Scottish computer and technology solutions company.

Example — The company recently refitted the offices with a full AyeBM multi-interface system or some such shite.

Ayedentity noun — unwavering Scottish identity.

Example — His biggest personality trait was his ayedentity.

AyePad noun — Scottish tablet computer.

Example — Playing Angry Pigeons was shite on the AyePad.

AyePhone noun — proprietary Scottish smartphone.

Example — I queued up for half an hoor tae bag wan o' those AyePhone 6s.

Author's Notes: Many thanks to Rachel Deeming for suggesting the idea. B will follow if this proves popular.

From the multi-award winning Scottish Italian writer, poet and arsehole, Paul Stewart. The creator of the only writing guide you need -