Recognizing Depersonalization and Derealization.

It is said that difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.

What is omitted from that statement is the feeling of aloneness which the road entails. For no matter how many friends, family and kind, supportive overtures you receive along the way...for which one is eternally grateful...we all suffer alone at the core of it all.

I was made aware that the trauma and life changing situations which I was soon to undergo would cause me nightmares and some form of temporary forgetfulness. True, my nightmares have been explicit and terrifying after my recent medical adventure.

I didn't dream last night, or if I did I do not recall.

But---I awakened this morning and rolled unto my side, looking for someone. But who...or is it whom was I seeking?

As if in a fugue state, quite akin to temporary amnesia, or just plain old brain fog after jolting my brain from the sleep stage to waking-ness, my mind seemed quite confused. I then proceeded to turn my head, actually looking for myself. Then to make matters worse, I sidled over to the side of the bed to see if I had fallen from the bed unto the floor.

Yes, I actually did that. Looked for myself on the floor while half sitting, half leaning from the bed.

The fog began to clear and I realized my faux pas.

What had just happened?

Ok. Feel free to have a good giggle at this. But it all seemed so real, yet so surreal...maybe it is all of the darned pills crossing path with each other. If the meds are confused, just think how they are affecting my entire psyche.

It took me a few seconds to realize that I had awakened as a blank slate, a blank screen that was my mind.

Imagine realizing that I was actually searching for myself. It's bad enough when I search for my glasses while they are on my face, but losing my entire self...that was on a totally different level.

I don't think that I am going kooky or mad! So I am Googling 'name for a condition of waking up and looking for myself beside me or on the floor'. Maybe with different wording...

Lo and behold. Answer:

"Yes, a condition where someone awakens and experiences a sense of searching for themselves, or a detachment from their own identity, is called 'DEPERSONALIZATION-DEREALIZATION DISORDER'."!

Depersonalization and derealization are psychological phenomena characterized by feelings of detachment from oneself and the surrounding environment.

Depersonalization refers to the sensation of being an outside observer of one's thoughts, feelings, or body, often described as feeling disconnected from oneself.

Derealization involves a sense of unreality or detachment from the external world, where surroundings may seem foggy or lifeless.

These experiences can occur as part of depersonalization-derealization disorder, which may last for varying durations and can be triggered by stress, trauma, or anxiety.

Treatment often includes psychotherapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy, to help individuals manage and cope with these feelings.

Symptoms

Short experiences of depersonalization or derealization are fairly common. But lasting and returning bouts of these symptoms can cause problems at work or school, or in other important areas of your life. During these bouts, you know that your sense of not being connected to your body or your surroundings are only feelings and not reality.

The experience and feelings of the condition can be hard to describe. Worrying about "going crazy" can cause you to become focused on checking that you exist and finding out what's real.

There you go, I had begun to wonder if I am actually real, and I learned something new along the way.

Medication, stress and permanent changes to my lifestyle is playing havoc with my inner sanctum of the self.

I have introduced new hobbies into the mix. Painting, or rather 'painting', I am no artist, but hey, I am doing it. I shall be learning new artforms at the local library for the summer.

Difficult roads will not deter me from returning to a very close facsimile of myself.

Every day brings its own challenge or victory and new lessons along the way.

I must find, discover and enjoy that beautiful destination.

Thank you to all who have reached out with kind words and more. May you all be blessed.