Origins

My first piece? I couldn't remember it off hand, so I dug up my old journals to try and figure it out. What I found was a small poem from my early teen years. I hadn't tried poetry or much of any writing by that time, so I made this one as a challenge to myself to try anyway. I've never received extensive education on proper poetry, and I knew even less at the time of writing it, so that's exactly what I wrote about: what I didn't know.

I called it "Not Really a Poem." I'm choosing to share it in case a single person can feel encouraged if they don't feel confident in their writing. Starting out weak is universal. Reverting back to weak is, too. The point is to keep writing, because some things can be said only by you and only in the way you say it.

Without further ado, my first creative attempt from my childhood:

"Not Really a Poem"

This isn't really a poem

At least I don't think it is

Real poets write poems

While I write stuff like this

I wish I could use words

To paint a pretty picture

But my boring brain and lack of smarts

Don't make a good mixture

Sounds cheesy, right?

I know it does

But please forgive me

I don't practice much

Aren't poems supposed to rhyme?

Or does that just make them sound better?

And is there a certain number of lines

That I'm supposed to use?

I'd hate to feel

Like I can't write

Because I don't match every

Single, little syllable

I'll be honest

I don't study

How to make

Nice poetry

So when do I go

From one line to the next?

Do I break up sentences

Until they sound their best?

What if there is no rhyme

For the word I want to use

And what if I just want three lines?

Does this mean I'm not poetic

Because I can't write poems?

Am I not creative

Since I can't find a word that rhymes with 'poems'?

The truth is out

And it's painfully obvious

I'm not really a poet

And this is not a poem

I resisted the urge to edit this old piece, even though my dignity begged otherwise, because I kept remembering that that was the point. This is how I used to write.

Fast forward several years to my early-twenties-self, and I'm actually still such a bad writer in my own eyes. I never cease to feel this gap between how I write and how I want to write. That is a source of shame for me, a person wanting to find purpose in the creative arts realm for the rest of my life. But there's something I'm learning in the midst of my creative crises, something this writing challenge has forced me to revisit.

I have to want to write, not just be good at it, if I want to find satisfaction in doing it.

In order to elaborate, let me sum up my writing story. After I wrote that little poem, I continued writing a series of poetic attempts that turned into short stories then eventually screenplays in college. Earlier on, I was moved by emotions I was feeling as a young learner of the human experience. I was easily excited, easily distressed, easily happy or angry or motivated. I was inspired by the thrills of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, the musical approach of Twenty One Pilots, the storytelling in Hunger games books, and anything that gave me a sense of meaning through film, music, and words. I was bubbling with creativity, or at least the desire for it. That desire was passion, and passion motivated me to try.

Then, I had to write for a school assignment. Then another one. And another. And not only were all of my writing assignments given pretty strict parameters, they were graded. Harshly. Until eventually my writing was no longer motivated by desire, but by fear. I was afraid of low grades, disappointing professors, appearing incompetent, or worse, exposing myself as a fraud. I no longer wanted to test creative boundaries; I got comfortable inside a box, which turned out to be suffocating my passion and therefore my creativity. Then I got to where I didn't want to write at all anymore. The desire was gone.

All that is not to say that I didn't improve as a writer. On the contrary, I've significantly progressed in vocabulary, grammar, and structure. I write very "well." But now I know the rules too well. It was before I knew all the rules that I most enjoyed creating works of art. That's why I say I won't find satisfaction in writing unless I want to write. If I don't have the desire, then it doesn't matter if I have the skill or not.

I used to write about breaking rules, and the origin of colors, and going on adventures. I used to invent words, and design fantasy worlds, and make plots revolving around the classic story circle before I knew what that was.

Now I struggle to write an opening scene, describe a simple action, or find a good name. But that's what I'm learning as a writer. It's important to learn how to write well and develop the skill, but it's also crucial to rediscover the childlike bliss of adhering to no one's creative standard but your own and simply chasing your imagination wherever it takes you without being held back by fear of judgement or comparison. They say to "write what you know" but I'd rather write knowingly as well as freely. I want to write well, but also like I used to when I most enjoyed writing.

Upon rereading my old poem, I felt old emotions surface from that time period of my life. I felt ambition, angst, a bit of rebellion, a desire to challenge norms, and an excitement for whatever could happen. I didn't know about poetry or "inciting incidents" or avant-garde vs. kitsch. I just wanted to create, and that's the desire I'm learning to foster again.

I say all of this to encourage any writers who may read this. It doesn't have to be a "real" poem or story or song. You don't have to know all the rules or the history or the big names. You don't even have to be "good" at writing. If you have the desire, then you have reason enough the write, and that should be your motivation. Good things will follow. Stories will unfold.