Onions Have Layers

I am emotional.

Not in the way that everyone assumes emotions = crybaby. Emotional in the way that when something may seem inconsequential to you, it really bothers and hurts me. I don't usually say anything though, out of fear of losing people I care about.

I also struggle with having emotions.

I feel them so deeply sometimes that I subconsciously numb myself just to protect myself from getting hurt any more than I already have. Or I just never feel a thing because I don't know what I am supposed to feel. But I won't say anything about that because I will come off as heartless.

I don't know what to look forward to.

Little goals started to help, but even that gets tainted and I am left trying to just inhale and exhale and just hope I can continue doing that to get through the day. Sometimes, that just isn't enough. But I can't say anything because it'll be selfish of me.

I also have long term things to look forward to.

But long term doesn't necessarily help me now. I need structure and balance for the now, but all I get is turmoil. Especially when all my strength is being put to getting through every day that they blur together. But I cannot say anything because it'll just seem like a cry for attention.

I am sensitive.

Sometimes I can joke about the struggle I'm going through, other times I am in a deep hole of despair and cannot handle any jokes at all. Sometimes I can handle hearing the joy and amazing things in everyone's lives, but sometimes it feels like a slap in the face. But I put my mask on and keep moving forward because that is all I am allowed to do nowadays. I can't say anything because I don't want to be too much.

I am lonely.

I can't talk about the things I want to because it feels like 1 - the person I'm talking to doesn't entirely care, 2 - I'm always bringing the mood down, and 3 - because I don't feel safe to talk about my struggle without it becoming accusatory or being met with a brick wall. But to sum up all those feelings, I don't say anything because I just don't want to be a burden.

I am hurt.

But I can never say why I am hurt or how things have hurt me because that would be inconsiderate, and I would be overreacting. So, again, I bury it. Because I don't want to argue about why something small to you really makes me feel unimportant and question, "Why am I even here?" I don't want to care about the little things, but I do. But I won't say anything.

I am scared.

I don't know what my future holds, and I don't know what'll happen to me and it feels like I have a countdown going. I'm racing with the clock, and it doesn't seem like people completely understand that. I can barely breathe sometimes, and I would like nothing more than to just be okay. But I can't say that I'm not okay.

I am complex. I am low-maintenance, but also high-maintenance. I am funny, but also serious. I am not a cookie-cutter person. I have my flaws and I have my strengths. I want to make a difference to the world, but not sure how to go about it. I want to be a good friend, but also feel like I am the worst friend. I have my layers. I am trying to unpeel every layer as best as I can, but it is terrifying.

I am trying to be okay despite everything I have going on. I just need a hand sometimes. I hope that's okay.

My layers are complicated, and I am trying to repair some. It won't be easy, but I hope it'll be worth it.