I Wrote A Book

The title of this piece tells it all…

I wrote a book, a fantasy novel that has been in the works for the past three to four years now, last month, during NanoWriMonth. If any of you reading this are unfamiliar with NanoWriMo, It happens annually during November. Authors from around the world, regardless of race, gender, class, etc., embark on a month-long journey to complete a novel of 50,000 words or more, in one month.

I couldn’t give you the statistics, but I’m sure plenty don’t achieve the goal, some probably didn’t start, even after deciding to try. Then, there are the ones who do start, try, and achieve that goal. I’m proud to say I am one of them, at the same time, I’m taking nothing away from anyone who didn’t.

It is, as I said before, a journey, and it is experienced differently for every single one of us. My journey began in a panic. I’d forgotten all about my plan to participate. I signed up the day NanoWriMo commenced and had to begin writing immediately. When those first few sentences went from thoughts in my mind to digitized words on the screen, I was floored. I was doing it.

Doubt and harsh criticism set it quick, but I promised myself I wouldn’t give in to the habits that stalled me from completing this novel for so long. I wouldn’t revise a thing, criticize much of anything (to criticize nothing is just too far out of my character as an observer first, writer second), nor would I second guess myself. I would write.

Each day, I’d wake at 530 a.m. EST, and start my writing. I’d go based on a guess I had made for the length of my book, sixty-five to eighty-thousand words. So, I had to write from 2,166 - 2,666 words, daily. How naive I was to think the journey would be so simple.

The journey to write is anything but that. Whether it is a novel, short story, report, or anything, it’s no simple task. The time I spent finishing my novel was a constant test of patience, discipline, and resolve (A good friend of mine, Jason, uses that word quite a bit. Now here I am).

I didn’t meet that range goal every day and it hurt, but I couldn’t beat myself up over it. There were days when I only wrote a few hundred words and on my worst day, I wrote, “Hi.” There was no reason for it, nor any context. I just wanted to feel like I did something.

During the time of my writer’s slump, I racked my brain trying to figure out the cause of my not being able to write. I thought it was sleep, so I slept more; stressed, relaxed more; uninspired, and read more. When nothing helped, it left me confused and scared—confused because I couldn’t understand, if I was doing everything right, that I didn’t do before, what could be the cause. Scared because I knew at that point that not finishing would’ve been the greatest failure I suffered in life, thus far. I couldn’t accept that, especially since I decided to document the journey on my various social media pages for all to see.

So, what was it? I realized I had become consumed with doubt. And everything about it all, I doubted. I doubted myself so badly it was hard to be happy, interact with my friends (I was spending a week with them in Dallas), and get out the bed. About halfway through NanoWriMo and around 16,000-17,000 words, I came to a complete stop. I managed to cure myself of every last bad habit I had formed around my writing, procrastination, laziness, lack of discipline et., all of them. But I forgot the worst of all, my doubt.

Doubt was the reason for all of them, it was the big one. I knew if I couldn’t conquer my doubt at that moment, I’d never finish the book, not this year or the next. If I made an excuse for myself this time, I’d do it again. I deserved much better than excuses. I owed it to myself.

It took some doing, but I managed (wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t). I was able to conquer that doubt by seeking validation from what others had to say about my work. I know it’s said you shouldn’t seek validation, but I’ve come to learn that if I’m willing to have someone critique anything I do, to better myself, then I better be okay with accepting the praise they give when I do something right. So, I read over the post of days prior, looking at the comments, acknowledging the likes, and took it all in. I went back to the stories I posted on Vocal, read the comments on them, and took it all in. I listened to friends and family telling me how great of a thing I was doing, how proud they were, and how good I was; that too, I took in.

But what helped was one person in particular continuously, and unwaveringly pouring positivity and support into me, Kaneisha. I leaned on her heavily during that time and she helped so much, a big thank you, to her.

Not only did she help with the doubt, but she also helped me with an unfamiliar feeling of homesickness I had never experienced while I was away in Texas (My home is in Maryland). This was significant because I’ve lived in Japan for three years and on the West Coast for two and never experienced it. But she was there. Thank you!

With doubt conquered and homesickness being mitigated, I had my biggest writing day, 8,000 words. That might not be much for some of you serious writers, but I have never written so much in one day (Thank you Jason for being a part of my 15-minute break sessions to decompress and shoot pool). I knew I could finish the book with no problem at that point. I had crossed the halfway mark of 25,000 words on the halfway mark for November. I felt good, but I’d pay for it.

That day of 8,000 exhausted me. I posted less frequently on social media and just couldn’t write every day. I was burning out, dealing with so much, and trying to play catch up will do it to you. It did not matter, on the twenty-seventh day of NaNoWriMo, I reached the 50,000-word goal but I wasn’t close to finishing.

It felt like a weight was lifted. I could breathe and relax. I took a few days off from writing to reveal my achievement, with determination to finish the book. I did just that on the eighth of December.

I felt and it still feels really good. It assured me that nothing is impossible for me as long as I put my mind to it. I also had another lesson in knowing that I’m on my own time, no one else’s. I also know now that my doubt is just an excuse for me to not do something out of my comfort zone. I’m glad I made myself uncomfortable and there were plenty of days, sitting with that laptop in front of me, I just wasn’t comfortable. But 66,644 words and 371 pages later, my book is finished.

In closing, I am writing this at 2:45 in the morning (EST) to say this…

To anyone thinking, planning, or dreaming about taking on a great challenge, do it. Be concerned not about how long it takes or if you finished it at this time or that. It doesn’t matter if you failed at it any number of times, try, you’ll be better for it, there’s a great bit to learn from it, and you’ll conquer yourself in the midst of it.

I wrote a book!