I'll get the next round.
Is Vocal good for me?
Sometimes in life, things happen which are staggeringly undramatic. So numbingly mundane that it becomes hard to describe them without undue fanfare. Words like “absent” or “attend” seem a little too ornate, and phrases like “had to” or “did not” pack too much punch for the occasion. And so it is hard to begin this little indulgence in a sufficiently understated way. “I have done it again” I started, before Plath echoed down the decades and into my delete key. One year in every ten. Too dire by far. “Oops, I did it again”. Too snake wearingly flash. “I wasn’t here?” Not too hot, not too cold. Just right?
I wasn't here. A week’s absence from Vocal is hardly something to write home about, but this is what we do, isn’t it. Write about the little stuff as well as the big. The little stuff is where the living is, after all. And I noticed some things. I am noticing some things. And I am curious to get your take on them.
A few weeks ago, I was consciously, deliberately, and very pleasurably off vocal for a couple of weeks. I went on holiday if you must know. And you probably do know, I mentioned it once or twice. When I returned I cranked up the engines and returned with an invitation to something communal, which I have to say, I love. I’d missed the creative back scratching here, the cooperative vying, the titillation of our writerly one anothers. Check it out, if you haven’t, I’m proud of it.
But then (where would the story be without a but then?), another week on and I was off. Again. Less consciously. Partially consciously, perhaps. I had stuff to do, a clutch of those mid-stack tasks that never quite make it to the top of the pile because they don’t threaten with their immediacy, but can’t remain undone forever. Like dusting for cobwebs (which, to be fair, I really ought to do). It’s not cleaning the toilet, but nor is it repainting the bathroom ceiling in the style of the Shah Mosque. And so I came off Vocal, so I could get shit done. I mothered myself. "You're not playing that game again until you've tidied your room and put your laundry away, you hear me?"
However, I noticed that I did not stop interacting with Vocal because I didn’t have capacity to write. No, I stopped interacting with Vocal because I didn’t have capacity to read. The notifications came in thick and fast, they always do. And I cancelled them all. Nope, can’t, won’t be, not today, sorry.
Now, we all need to do that, don’t we. Step out of the room, attend to other things. Hardly a sin. But what I found I couldn’t do is this. “Nope, can’t, won’t be, not today, sorry, take a look at my poem guys!” Most of us pay to be here, we can use the platform as we see fit, within the boundaries of its formal rules. But we are bound too by unwritten rules, and being unwritten rules, these differ for each of us. I’ve never tallied it, but I know my read count is quite considerably higher than my write count here, and I think many of us do something similar, and that is why the community works. No one keeps showing up at the pub without ever buying a round. And the first thing that I noticed was that when I can’t buy a round, consistently, for a good few days, I don’t feel comfortable drinking with you. Ah, we all have a day here and there where we are short, where we cover one another, but that can't go on forever. Few of us expect a free ride.
The second thing I noticed was that lost momentum matters. I’d florify that point, but let’s just leave it there, ugly, staccato, with a sense of insufficiency, like my writing vibe today, an illustration of its own validity.
The third thing was that I am anxious. And a bit depressed. Neither of these are unusual for me, I struggle with anxiety often, and can be Eeyore-esque in my world view at times. But I began to wonder, if I graphed my anxiety over the last year, whether the trend has been towards a lower baseline. I began to wonder if Vocal is….good for me? Of course, there is a chicken and egg argument here – has my anxiety edged up because I am not channelling my daily allocation of thoughts towards deliberate creativity, or has my Vocal use diminished because I am allowing my daily allocation of thoughts to expend themselves fruitlessly in creating scenarios of dread? And indeed a third option, let us all remember the mantra of the social sciences; “correlation does not equal causation.” Perhaps my Vocal use has diminished AND I am more anxious and ne’er the twain shall meet. I am intrigued though. Might writing have left me less space for catastrophizing? Or did something shift in my brain that said “nope, can’t, won’t be, not today, need all hands on deck to imagine pain and suffering befalling us all instead”.
So here is my little experiment with myself. I don’t feel like writing this today. I feel like playing mindless casual games on my phone whilst worrying about twelve different things and failing to get any work done. So what happens if I do write it? And what happens if I come back later and write again? And again tomorrow? I am tempted to whip out an anxiety scale and gather before and after measures, but it’s a bit late now, I’ve been writing this for twenty minutes and I wonder if I feel a little better already.
Hopefully see you all at the pub later then, yeah?
About the Creator
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More stories from Hannah Moore and writers in Writers and other communities.
Invitation to Renga With Me
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am returned. I am envisaging a grand entrance here, a footman perhaps, announcing my arrival, or a both doors flung wide attention grab. That I actually slipped in quietly with an itsy bitsy haiku seems far more in keeping with my actual style. Either way, I am back after an absence of a couple of weeks in which I dedicated myself fully to a family holiday. I could do no different, it has been a very full trip, and a wonderful trip for it. But though I read most of a novel, I took no time to read on Vocal, and no time to write either.
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Comments (9)
I am so on the same page here Hannah. Notifications is annoying, because everytime you click on something, you have to start at the top again. I gave up trying to catch up too. I just do what I can. Some days i just write and have a ton of stories unpublished work. I agree with Rachel, I put my writing first because that is why I joined in the first place. Read and comment interchanges with my mood these days. I try my best but sometimes I just click off and watch movies or decompress my brain. Honestly. Just do what is best for you, no one will begrudge you paying attention to your mental health and peace of mind over anything else. I do notice that readership drops when one is not constantly on, but such is life. i agree with everything Rachel says below. I am rambling, but yes, sometimes Vocal is too much.
It is a tricky balance to find. I have days where I indulge in a readathon and catch up on stuff that I've not reached before because I do want to read and I do want to read the people who read me because I think that we share something. But I do have to ease back sometimes and I do feel guilt at not having got to someone's piece in what I would consider a timely manner. I think we'd all like to think that our writing is so compelling that as soon as someone sees a notification that we have published that they immediately click on it because they can't wait. The reality however is different. I use Vocal to write firstly, read and comment secondly. I love the people I have met on here but this place is a microcosm of a much broader life. Do what you can. But put the writing first because that's what it's about.
I always feel so obligated to read everything everyone posts 😅 I don't publish often so I definitely read wayyyyy more than I publish. But that something is super draining, especially when the same person publishes multiple pieces in a day. So yea, some days, I just don't read much. I gotta recharge my social battery, lol. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️
Thought this was a really interesting article. I’m sorry you’re feeling depressed. That’s rubbish. I know when I feel like that, there’s no way I’m in the mood to do anything creative. Just make sure you look after yourself and do things that make you feel happy. I really do look forward to reading your work.
I think you made a great analogy here. "And the first thing that I noticed was that when I can’t buy a round, consistently, for a good few days, I don’t feel comfortable drinking with you." It isn't required for anyone to reciprocate engagement, and you phrase this so perfectly and in a way that won't be taken offensively. Online or offline, our social battery can still run out, and you do a commendable job of emphasizing that. I agree with your point. We shouldn't make friends on here, expecting them to read our stories every single time we write one, and they shouldn't expect that of us. No one should feel obligated. That removes the fun of reading. I'm sorry you felt this way, Hannah. But I'm glad you wrote this, being a voice for the rest of us who have been in your shoes, because looking at the comments, it appears you aren't alone in this issue. <3
Very well articulated and very relatable! I “get behind” in reading during busy weeks and I can get a little overwhelmed with a compulsion to catch up, but sometimes it’s best to just move on and if I miss somethings it’ll be okay. Some days I just pick a person or two I actually feel in the mood to read something from and let other notifications go unattended
I like how clearly you articulate how you’re feeling, which at the very least shows a pretty darn good sense of self-awareness Hannah. I think Vocal can be a bit cocoon-like, and that can be both helpful and a hindrance, depending on what’s going on in your life. And I get what you mean about reciprocating reads, especially when things get busy. Hopefully getting this down on digital paper helped🤗
It's like you're inside my head. Like. I don't know how best to describe that. I love Vocal...because I get to write...and have somewhere to share it (though numbers have dwindled and Vocal seem less interested in me these days - maybe paranoia) but at the moment...it's a platform where I can share experiments (I do that a lot these days) and I am looking at other options and trying to be more Paul-focused than just Paulwriter-focused. But I feel the same insanity-driving pressure, anxiety? And don't know if it's cos I already have that tendency or because Vocal...or bit of both? I also...keep trying to up my read count...because I often feel bad that I have such limited time to read...but put lots up...because I feel I need to...when it's ready sorta thing. I appreciate you sharing this...because...I often wonder, worry about the same things and thought maybe it was just a me thing.
Well, I do hope you feel a bit better from having pushed on and written this one (and published it too...big points), because I appreciated reading it. I felt myself nodding along to so much in agreement. I think I've realized there are times I can cycle on and cycle off from writing and reading on here, and it's ok. I think I (maybe we) can get anxiety from the pressure of catching up, and always feeling behind, but it's healthy to do what needs done. Sending hugs (because they're the best)!