I Have 99 Friends But

I find that writing makes you act differently, like you are role-playing with yourself on how to write and think harder.

But you actually loosen up when you are in the zone. You forget who you are writing to and for whom.

You just keep going into the same corner to find comfort. To see that one self you didn’t think you had.

You thought you knew more about yourself until you landed on the edge of your belief. You couldn’t even look back in time because you can’t tell if it’s real or not.

Does it matter now?
What can you do about it?
Why are you still thinking about it?

Yet, it’s often mistaken that writing to pour all your feelings out will resolve something.

It might not be this way; it’s more of a slow process of understanding how you came into this chapter of your life and then moving through it like it’s part of you.

Sometimes people carry weight that they thought didn’t exist until they sit down and start writing.

They find out that they were talking to themselves and then to the wall of void.

But then we turn around, get a minor chill, and realize we have already published it on the internet.

Of course, we thought we had 99 friends somewhere, rather than thinking that if I can get 1 person to read it, then a dozen more will follow.

It feels like daydreaming again, but this time you might be onto something.

It could be hope.
It could be healing.
It could be self-awareness on paper.

Whatever it may be, you’ll keep writing to find out.

Sometimes it’s hard not to write, while there are days you couldn’t even finish 4 sentences that make sense.

This is the process of writing.

You have an idea, you write it down, you notice your idea sucks most of the time, you try to write some more, you realize you are talking to no one, you finally get something going, you publish it somewhere, you get excited, you start to see your usual friends; a few came to see you, along with a couple of bots like reader.

Rinse and repeat.

You feel lost; you start doubting if “I’m good enough for now”, but then you go for a read, and you see something inspirational; you try to write something down again; your brain doesn’t want to stop, so you let it sit for a while, and then you tell it, “I’m in control of my actions”.

I write because I feel it again.

And my 99 friends spot is still open; you can be one of them.

Thanks for Reading