Giving Fear A Walloping

For a long time now, I've been terrified of heights. Mortified. Can’t bloody stand them. Ever since the first moment I went up somewhere high, I knew I wanted to be on safe ground. If heaven and hell really do exist in their stereotypical positions, I think I know which one I'd rather be in.

I had to google the technical term for this fear. It’s called acrophobia (not a bad name). I'm not sure if I'll remember that one, but my brain will try.

The first big-ish issue where this fear came up was in year five (in UK terms), which is grade four in American terms, I believe. And we went rock climbing as part of a birthday party – one of my friends’ birthdays in June. There were five of us and it started off with an instructor giving us... well, instructions, funnily enough. One of the questions he asked before starting was if we had a fear of heights. And I didn’t put my hand up. I didn't say anything and I truly don’t know why. I just left it, played it cool (something I am not). Now cue the inevitable outcome. On the first of three climbing walls, which was twelve metres high (forty feet), I was the first one to go up and I did not like it one bit. I got about halfway before I froze in absolute fear. I begged to come down while clinging for my life on the stones. The instructor kept shouting up encouragement saying “you can do it,” and “you got this.” Nope. I was defeated. I wanted to come back down to safe ground.

All my friends made it to the top of that wall when they had their turns; I was the only who didn't make it. Still haunts me to this day, clearly.

The next wall in the lineup was sixty feet high... I reached about five feet on that one, so... that’s a complete improvement, right? Oh Fear, how I detest thee.

I think the instructor had given up on me at that point because he let me back down as I neared tears. I was ten-years-old at this point, so hopefully tears would be allowed (disclaimer: you can cry at any age, I just didn't want to cry from a rock-climbing wall). There was also a third wall, which I don't remember much about – I think it had a bulge at the top for increased difficulty – and I don't think I even tried that one. I understand now people who freeze in fear because I completely froze. Twice. The whole climbing aspect was awful, but there were a few bits of fun with my friends on the day (the banter and whatnot, and I remember the party food afterwards. Yum).

Advance one year later. We went camping as part of a school trip for a whole week. For some reason (for fun, I suppose), on one of the days, we went rock climbing and it was at this same rock-climbing facility in a town called Crawley. And this is the moment I felt alive because it was when I made a name for myself in the tiny world of my mind.

We tried the forty feet wall again. This time around I was with only three of my friends because the teachers and instructors left us to it in our little groups, which I much preferred. It gave us freedom; freedom is good and I think it helped. I was the first to climb the wall again, for whatever reason. Lo and behold! I actually made the top this time around! I did it – I got there and I was chuffed. I was overwhelmed. I absolutely thumped the wall above the climbing stones (for some reason they had a bit of flat wall at the top). To this day, I don’t why I did that; I didn't even think, I just did it. But it was triumphant, it was a release of pent-up fear. And I walloped it!

It felt good.

It felt really good.

I felt alive. And I've never felt anything like it since. It’s such an overwhelming feeling – overcoming fear – and I loved it. I don’t think I’ve done anything like it since. If I have, I can’t remember it I as strongly as this one.

I kicked Fear's face in the arse (that anatomy checks out) and I liked it!

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A/N and video:

Thank you for reading. I wanted to keep this succinct (and hopefully entertaining) to save myself from talking on camera for too long… But I've been constantly and endlessly editing (always happens as I'm about to hit "submit"), so a few words and lines are slightly different now.

Down below is the video. Avert your eyes, please, and cover your ears. I didn't know how to end it (or the story, to be honest), so there’s a cut where I stopped and started recording again just to say “thanks for watching” and “bye” like a chump.

This isn't a face reveal (as I look an awful lot like my profile picture... how spooky). This is more of a I'm-not-as-hot-as-I-want-to-be reveal, but also a bit of proof that I am human despite my questionable looks. And, god, why am I now self-conscious about my eyebrows?! They’ve never been a bother before. Ugh...

Anyway, no one watch this (don't you dare!), unless you’re the Vocal Team.