From Pull Up Bars to Poetry and Beyond (No, Disney, you don't own the rights to that tiny bit of one character's catchphrase)

I originally wrote this as a comment on Bell's article.

But following L.C.'s example, I decided to publish it as a separate piece. There were also a fuckton of spelling mistakes and autocorrects.

It's also a good way to draw your attention to her challenge thing at the bottom of this in a meaningful way. She's a fantastic writer who makes me question my abilities. Which I love and that is the highest of compliments and praise I can award someone as being a real threat or competition to me. It also helps lessen that blow that she is a wonderful person. I'm sure she's flawed and all that junk so I'm not being totally sycophantic, but yea, give her more reading time or else.

Anyway, enough said about wee Bell. This is supposed to be about me.

So.

I hate repeating myself but usually end up repeating myself so it is what it is.

I initially joined Vocal with the view of finally having some writing out there under my own name. Many years of content writing meant that I had written loads but never had a byline. Not that I particularly wanted my name attached to "Best Pull up Bars under £200" or "What to Consider When Thinking About Breast Implants" or "What to do when you've been charged with a DUI in (insert random county or state or small town or city in the US)."

Or even "Campervan Hire Bristol", "Boiler Repair Nottingham" or "Best Poems to Read at a Funeral When Someone You Love Dies".

I'm sure you get the picture. I was, by definition, a hack writer. I had standard article templates I followed in my head a lot of the time. So, Vocal was going to be my chance to be a proper writer.

My aim was to finally start trying my hand at fiction. I'd write some non-fiction stuff because that felt easiest. Easiest is a very relative term, but it certainly meant I didn't have to create arcs and twists if I was talking about my own experiences. Then poetry happened.

Like I hadn't consumed volumes of poetry over the years. I joined here in my forties... and okay, spent a year on a free membership for doing a research interview thing, reading stuff and not posting. Then eventually I posted my first few including my first ever poem. I made some friends, at least one of which is still around, but some of the others have become inactive or inconsistently active. Then I screwed up and did some stupid horrible things away from Vocal.

So fiction was really my main goal. Still is.

Though.

With regards to poetry.

Please bear in mind the most I've had to do with poetry was I loved The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe, Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas and some other random bits I had read including Shakespeare and mostly Robert Burns because Scottish. Tam o' Shanter was a favourite. 

I always had horrible limiting views of poets because I detested Wordsworth and there was a character in a comedy show from the 80s over here called Bread who was a poet. Which meant he was unemployed and seemed to think he was better than everyone else.

I also originally believed poetry had to rhyme and I hated the idea of forced rhymes but also hated the idea of free verse word vomit. (The fuck? Funny that free verse accounts for a huge percentage of my poetry.)

Then poetry consumed me.

And I started writing it.

That's all important context for the aspect of what I write.

Which is a mixture of poetry, fiction and then fandom satirical pieces, writing on writing, non fictional confessionals or journals and rambling stream of consciousness.

I've come across a few people with the same thoughts as yourself, Bell. 

I am not a one genre writer. Maybe that secures success easier... but I can't be a King writing mainly horror or a Coben writing mainly murder stuff. Or an Irvine Welsh writing mainly gritty Scottish dark humoured fiction.

Even thinking about sitting down and calling myself a "horror writer" or "sci-fi writer" makes me feel like I need an emotional support Komodo dragon.

Because I am often a horror writer, often a gritty Scottish fiction writer, often a comedy writer, often a thriller writer. I think or try to ensure my distinctive voice comes through whatever I write.

I have learned to experiment over my time being here and while I definitely feel drawn to all forms of speculative fiction I don't like to be pigeonholed. Which has been a problem when people ask what I write.

Also, being pigeonholed sounds unpleasant. (Makes note to explore that maybe for my upcoming murder anthology featuring some well known characters/people.)

"What kinda stuff do you write?"

It's like when someone says they are a comedian and then they inevitably ask them to tell them a joke.

I write whatever the fuck I want basically at this point. And don't care. Other than making sure it's good.

I used to worry thinking "you shouldn't write that" like I understand the "write what you know" mantra for writers and filmmakers etc.

It does make sense, but it's also very limiting. If you only stick strictly with what you definitely know that might be fine but I think I need to feel the risk. I often do not spend perhaps as much time as I ought to on editing or refining pieces but I always put my all into everything. From the most stupid thing based on something random like a song title or line to the deepest shit that excavates my very being and dresses it up as fiction.

With poetry there's probably an argument that I have recurring themes and a style but I try to rage against that (like the other favourite poem I loved before I became a poet). I try to experiment because I get bored but try to find a way to not just be gimmicky.

I don't always write happy things either but I hope when people interact with me they realise that that horrible Scottish Italian arsehole that writes sometimes incredibly bleak stories with unresolved endings is a bit of an idiot haha.

Part of why I don't tend to fixate so much on editing and refining is with poetry I think it can lose a lot of the momentum and when I first started continuously sharing on here it was a way to ensure I hit publish now or whatever the button says (fuck's sake Paul how long you been doing this if you can't say with certainty what the button says without checking it) anyway. It was an internal failsafe to ensure I followed through..

But I do get nervous still when sharing stuff about my addiction and my shortcomings. But fortunately people have been nothing but kind and considerate and don't judge me, at least not to my face or in the comments.

Depression and addiction seem to follow me round like bad smells so it makes sense they'd become a huge part of my writing output.

I often get nervous but love writing women characters especially in first person because I want to do a good job and I am always worried someone will say "women don't sound like that" because so many men and actually a lot of women writers fuck that up.

I also worry that when I go full horror and fucked up I'll push things so far that people will go "I'm out".

Sometimes I welcome that pushback. That would in some ways be the ultimate praise if I could make people feel bad for reading such a horrific story.

So far my audience has been very supportive, even if it's increased and decreased over the years I feel that's more to do with their use of Vocal changing than disgust.

My whole point of being here was to maybe win some money, improve my fiction and find inspiration and direction to take that in. Then poetry happened, my poetry book happened, I made friends, some of which are still here, some disappeared.

Then I won one. For poetry of all things.

Then it took ages to win more and as my writing improved I won more.

So here I am, still entering challenges trying to win, still working on long delayed second self-published poetry book and a number of short story collections. Trying to submit elsewhere. And just trying to make sure I still feel right about calling myself an award-winning writer and poet.

I didn't even mention I am 46, Scottish Italian and I mean really not just as a hopeful tiny bit of residual DNA like someone Italian wiped their bits on my t-shirt.

Mum's mum and dad were both Italian immigrants—well Nonna was anyway. Both first-generation Italians. So I am not just someone who did an ancestry kit and suddenly calls themselves Scottish Italian. It's not a forced flex. It just is.

I also was brought up in a fairly mixed culture way so had influences from the Italian and Scottish side.

I wasn't a pet person until I met my wife. Then over the years we've had an interesting array of animals from dogs and cats to lovebirds and cockatiels, our beloved African Grey and yes he did talk, rats, ferrets, fish etc. No spiders or reptiles yet.

I love music and film in addition to reading and writing and in terms of genres that's as much a crazy melting mixing pot as my approach to genre in writing.

I always credit my Dad with the development of my music taste. Cos he used to consume and consume music of all kinds.

I have two sons who are both adults now which makes me feel fucking old. I'm still repairing my relationships with both because I'm a bit of a fuck-up and despite our many ups and downs and near endings, my wife and I are still married and still working on things. While it takes two to tango, I definitely carry the lion's share of fault and blame for our troubles.

I love writing for writing's sake but I have developed a disgusting and shameful taste for winning.

I often talk of myself in terms of dichotomies.

I'm incredibly arrogant or just believe in my own work so damn much.

But.

I am also actually rather unconfident about my work and worry I'll be discovered—imposter syndrome.

On the subject of pieces I wish had more reads, I wanted to lead into it by discussing the philosophy of entering challenges I follow, mostly.

Over the years I have tried to enter at least three. There have been deviations, but that's not important right now.

The three would consist of:

• One serious approach to the challenge prompt.

• A second different but serious approach to the prompt.

• Then a Hail Mary—I'm so impatient with deadlines taking ages to pass that I need to enter one last subversive, potentially ironic, maybe sarcastic, fucked up entry.

I do know lots of people will say "concentrate on one entry and make that the best it can be" and there have been times when I've done that.

But mostly my brain doesn't work like that.

And besides, I would push back against that assumption. Every single piece I release into the world I genuinely believe is the best it can be.

So when it comes to picking out pieces I wish had more reads, I just wanted to make sure that part of my process was understood.

I don't think this is my best but I wanted to share a piece that wasn't published in time for the Last Call challenge.

For context, I had eventually accumulated three entries for that challenge. Three strong entries. One I felt could win, that was poignant, funny and uncompromisingly human.

Another that was in a completely different register—it was dark, satirical, bleak, but still felt authentic.

Then I wrote a piece that is definitely one of my most unflinchingly brutal stories. It was originally intended for a submission call for a publication looking for body horror that didn't hold back, but I missed the deadline.

I actually placed in that challenge with my first entry and it is one of my favourites I have ever written. It makes me cry every time I read the damn thing.

But for some strange reason I kicked myself that this never made the deadline because I thought it might win. Who knows. I still believe my strongest won. But this story just makes me giggle because it came out exactly as it was in my brain and is almost completely dialogue based.

I know I've written funnier or at least pieces that are as funny—

But I wish my story about two hapless Italian American burglars got more reads.

I have no idea why I focused on some of my comedy pieces, because I think I'm best know for darker stuff. It is what is.

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Thanks for reading!

Please check out Bell's unofficial challenge thing here: