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An Apology To Myself

a reflection and a brain dump

By Leigh HooperPublished 2 months ago 3 min read
Top Story - February 2024
An Apology To Myself
Photo by Tolu Akinyemi 🇳🇬 on Unsplash

Dear Me,

I am sorry.

Sorry that you're still working your 9-5, sorry that creative burnout got the best of you, sorry that comparison has gripped you so tight that you have robbed yourself of any happiness. Sorry that you thought you could make it, and you haven't yet. Sorry that writing seems so hard and you end up staring blankly at the page or the screen and inevitably your attention turns back to social media and endless scrolling.

Maybe it's society. Maybe it's you. Maybe there's a lack of drive, lack of love, lack of confidence.

It's a lot of apologies and a lot of lacking, but sometimes you just have to acknowledge the fork in the road. And let me tell you, this one is full of pot holes so no wonder you've come out of the other side a shaking mess.

It's just a shame.

A shame that nobody has given you the chance, shame that you have not given yourself a chance. A shame that society deems anybody with a creative bone in their body as not a real worker - "being a writer isn't a job.", "when you are going to get a big girl job?", "you're not exactly J. K. Rowling." (fuck off).

And I know, nobody is going to pay you to sit in you room and write just on the basis that you might have potential. That you might finish a book one day, and that's a tough pill to swallow.

It's just I am so tired.

Tired of feeling like I'm not enough. Tired of feeling like that big break will never come, I'll be stuck working in retail and living in my parents house for the rest of my life and I'll never get to experience the real joy of doing a job I love. Tired of knowing that deep down maybe I don't give myself enough credit but God is it easier to believe that I'm not cut out for all of this and crawl up in a self-pity ball instead of having the confidence to say: I CAN DO THIS.

Maybe I can. Maybe I will. Maybe it won't happen now, or in a years time. Maybe it'll happen when I'm 50 and I can say "hey look, that book on that shelf? It's mine. I wrote it." But I can't say for sure yet, I'm only 24 and only just finding my feet.

Its easy to get carried away.

And so, despite all the apologies and the lacking and the maybes and the holy shit I'm so tired of feeling this way, my main apology to myself is: I'm sorry that I've let you down.

Over the past five years I've worked intermittently as a writer, publishing articles and working on my book. Other ideas have floated around in countless notebooks and I've tried - and failed - to run a bookstgram and a booktok page. It's hard, and I haven't given myself enough grace. At all.

I have written an entire book, created an entire world that has come from my brain and that in itself is no easy feat. I've made money from my writing, sure it's not anywhere near a sustainable wage but I achieved that all by myself. I featured in Vocal's advertising campaign and been featured on my local radio on 3 separate instances as a music blogger. THAT'S CRAZY! I've paid for writing courses to help improve my own skills and I wouldn't have done that if I didn't believe in myself just a teensy little bit...right?

So, me, I'm sorry. Going forward I want to believe in myself a little bit more. Fight my own corner, have my own back and be my own number one fan. I'm proud of me, and I'm doing my best. I wish good things for my future, but for now, let's enjoy the ride.

Stream of ConsciousnessLife

About the Creator

Leigh Hooper

A writer in her twenties with a head full of ideas and a room full of books✨

My Instagram handle is: @leighooper

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Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

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  1. Compelling and original writing

    Creative use of language & vocab

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    Well-structured & engaging content

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Comments (13)

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  • olymoolla2 months ago

    Your stat is challenging your story is so beautiful you write like this you will be a great writer I wish and yes one more thing please open my vocal id and a story come later

  • Anna 2 months ago

    Congrats on Top Story!!

  • Rachel Deeming2 months ago

    Mary Wesley published her first book in her eighties. I'm in my fifties and not even written a book yet although I've probably written enough to fill one! You've written a book - you might not have published it yet but you've written a book! Let's pause there. A book! That's amazing! What a feat that is! Yes, the arts are not applauded enough and yes, it would be great to make a living from writing but you must keep writing and you must keep believing. Because it could happen but only if you keep writing. Retail is a stop gap, that's all. And living with parents is no bad thing.

  • Caroline Craven2 months ago

    You’ve totally got this. Even if you only believe in yourself a tiny bit, that’s enough. Others will follow. Go for it.

  • Blake Booth2 months ago

    Putting to words what so many feel… It takes courage to write something vulnerable. Good job. Congrats on the TS.

  • sleepy drafts2 months ago

    You have * absolutely * got this. 💗 It sounds like you've done a lot of work honing your skills over the years, and your narrative voice is so naturally engaging - I think you are right to trust yourself. Competence builds confidence and you are competent - so why not be confident, also? You've got this.💗 Thank you for writing and sharing this incredibly honest and real piece, Leigh. 💕 I'm looking forward to reading more.

  • Gabriel Huizenga2 months ago

    Very relatable piece- you are not alone in any of this! Thank you for sharing; I truly hope a season of life finds you in which your work and creativity can work together. Great writing, and best of luck!

  • Hayley Matto2 months ago

    Hi Leigh!! 26 yr old here facing the same exact struggles. I have/am doing all the side hustles, writing taking the backburner more then I'm proud to admit. Your piece hit home, and I'm sure it did for many others to! Cheers to being vulnerable & proud of what you've done and whats to come!! 💞 Inspiring me with this one to keep at it, even if that just starts with today. 😉

  • Test2 months ago

    Superb work! Keep it up—congratulations!

  • David Morton2 months ago

    You got this, everyone believes in you and you will be amazing. Dont let anyone ever tell you otherwise, even yourself

  • Stella Yan PhD2 months ago

    I can relate to your frustration ...

  • Toby Heward2 months ago

    We all need that mental release

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