A Serious Writer

I have a problem. I want readers on Vocal to take me more seriously than I likely merit. When I read the really good writers on this platform, I am reminded of what serious writing looks like.

Amazingly, some of those writers actually read my work. But most days I feel like I crashed a party that I wasn't invited too. Sort of like trying to join a clique in school where you don't belong.

That's my problem.

I want to belong. I want to write with the depth and pathos that characterizes the writing of the best writers on this platform.

I began seriously honing my craft almost 30 years ago. But I plateaued a decade ago. The tricks and patterns that characterize far too much of my writing make me cringe now.

Story openings that I have used over and over again with minor modifications.

Phrases that I have over relied on that have morphed into my own personal cliches.

The same tired symbols and metaphors that infect almost all of my stories and poetry.

Sometimes I feel so close to accomplishing something truly original with a story or a poem, and then I read someone who also entered the same challenge, and I am reminded what original actually looks and feels like.

I feel more and more like Salieri withering with envy of Mozart in the film Amadeus. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some of us are just pretty good.

At the beginning of 2024, I made up my mind that this year would be different, this year I was going to find an audience. And for the first two months of the year, I felt like I had.

To put it mildly, it was exhilarating. But I enjoyed it less in March and April was simply miserable. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was kidding myself.

If you want people to read your stories, you have to read theirs. It's a transparent proposition. I had a simple strategy. Locate a group of good writers and read everything they post, every day. Take time to leave meaningful comments that indicate I had both read and appreciated their stories.

Honestly that is not hard for me. I have always loved to read, and there are a lot of really fine writers who post on Vocal. Even though the rule of the day is still I scratch your back and you scratch mine, I have found 6 or 7 writers that I try to read every time they post whether they return the favor or not. I love reading good writing and I won't deprive myself if the reads aren't reciprocated.

That does not mean I won't get my feelings hurt, since I'm human after all.

But the heart wants what it wants. I want to write better fiction and better poetry than I'm currently able and likely always will. At this point, I am not willing to post stories every other day because I'm not enjoying it anymore.

I have struggled with performance anxiety my whole life, and the last couple of months it's been intolerable. I gave up art for over twenty-years for the same reasons. I was never as good at it as I thought I could be.

At this point my inclination is to put renewed emphasis on my artistic pursuits for a while. I'll likely continue to write and post on Vocal but with less frequency. For now, I plan to continue reading other writers posts for the foreseeable future since I have grown to enjoy the writing of so many of you.