#1

from a young age I’ve always enjoyed writing it seemed to be the only thing that could keep me together, in all the chaos of life. It wasn’t always the best, my child that is. There was a lot of rough patches, sadness and a lot of bullying. The only place I had to go was into the forest. With my pen and paper.

It was here where I was right, my innermost feelings as a way to make amends or feel better. That did not always work out. My thoughts were private did not want to share them with anybody. I thought, even though I was writing down my inner most problems and desires I only thought it was for my eyes. Oh, how wrong I was. It was because of this I ended up burning all of my books. All of my writings happened I’ve done up to the point where I thought my privacy was violated, due to them reading, and mocking my words.

I do regret burning, the many note books I had written upon. I wish I just would’ve kept some of the beautiful poems that gave me hope. But there’s this one poem that I did manage not to destroy. And it’s called agony. And although this isn’t the very first poem I wrote. It’s near to it and it’s the oldest one I still have and remember to this day.

Agony

Agony trapped inside a mind of a deception. A conscious laden mind wanders free across open fields of illusions. Though the illusions are her own labyrinth, she stays lost as if her mind has been drained of all knowledge of true life. Through many years she spends inside her conscious laden mind never to wander. As the world passes her by she awakens scared of what has happened. she finds herself surrounded, Surrounded by the life of her loved ones. As she soon realizes who they were looking down at, she finds herself dead. Alone yet not. she is not scared for being scared will solve no problems of life. Instead she is thankful and is now released to wander free.

I wrote this one when I was in ninth grade. It wasn’t soon after getting out of juvenile detention center that I was in for no reason at all other than to set an example for my family. The whole ordeal did not make much sense to me as I had done the wrong. And the family that I was supposedly set an example my other siblings had drug addictions, as well as some loose morals. But somehow I was used to set this example.

From a very young age, it became clear to me that my life is going to be a series of obstacles that I would have to be tough enough to navigate through. This agony was trapped inside my mind, because I thought I had no way out, I thought I was trapped. Trapped with this family who didn’t treat me very well. Trapped in a school where almost everybody including teachers bullied me. Yeah I wasn’t your average female. I’m built like an ox, I’m very strong, and it was clearly a problem for a lot of people.

No, I kept living in the illusion that I would never be able to get out of this horrible situation. that for some reason, my life would always be a battle ground. I just wanted to go back to the peaceful life that I had before. Before my neighbor happened before my family just started being mean, not realizing the damage being done to me. Damage I initially didn’t even realize was damage until it was almost too late.

That feeling of being trapped of having nobody to trust Have a nobody looking out for you is very debilitating. I felt like it was always going to be this way. I felt like the only way out was death. To me death meant freedom. It was terrifying feeling like not a single person care if I died. Because even then I was invisible to them. Somehow I thought I was invisible despite them always bullying me day after day. I would wonder what I did to them too cause all of this.

And then the realization came to me. Of course, after a moments of bad choices which, luckily didn’t take my life. I had hung myself using a necktie. You see I tried before out in the backyard in our little makeshift tree fort using my overalls, the straps of my overalls broke, which just left me feeling shame because apparently I sucked so bad I could not kill myself. Little ass that didn’t stop me because I made the choice yet again to use this necktie. But this time the necktie was strong, and although I was hanging, for what seemed like quite a while. That which it was hanging from broke.

The world did not want to see me Dying so as soon. Someone or something was up there, doing their best to try to give me strength and to try to protect. The pain I was going through felt like it had no end, but in this failure with the necktie, I knew there was something else.

It was just a moment where everything changed inside of me. I’m no longer going to be the push over. I’m no longer going to look at what has happened to me in my life as damaging. I’m gonna look at this as something that’s here to make me stronger. Because apparently I’m gonna have one hell of a life and I’m gonna need this to build up character strength to get through everything ahead.

For as young as I was, when the hell started me back, then wouldn’t have any idea that I would turn into the person I am today. I woke up and face the pain and made myself stronger. Strong enough to keep a lookout for other people possibly feeling the same way. People, struggling with similar struggles I made my point to look out for myself and for others. No one should be trapped inside of their mind feeling like there’s no good coming to the in the future. Despite all the abuse and harshness this too, shall pass!

I have never been very good with grammar Even from a young age. Although this poem may not be so wonderfully written. The message still stands true, and the feelings in this poem still ring true. You can’t stay trapped in your mind forever. You have to break free and wander the world to grow.