Nine Things You Can Buy From the Japanese Government This Week

Since the dawn of time, the Japanese people have excelled at creating tiny cute things. It turns out this applies to their industrial products as well. But it's not all kawaii construction equipment– they're selling off everything from electric dust collectors to snowmobiles. Here are nine things you can buy at a Japanese government surplus auction this week.

1. An Adorable Excavator

This little guy's an inside excavator. You can't let him out or he'll dig up the whole neighborhood. But he is perfect for interior landscaping– just make sure you have a nice big garden or sandpit for him to play in, and lots of 2-stroke fuel for treats.

2. A Spider Crane

If you don't want an excavator puppy, there's also a creepy crawly spider crane up for adoption. Once it imprints upon you, there's no limit to your escapades. Its boom can extend to 6.5 feet and lift 2 tons, which makes it perfect for stealing office supplies from the neighboring cubical or totally owning the nearest claw machine arcade game.

3. A Snow Groomer

Meet the PistenBully 200 Snow Groomer. It's got a 7.2 L diesel engine and a dozen notches carved into the cab for every snowman it's killed. Every errant snow pile trembles in fear when the snow groomer lowers its scorpion-tail dozer. Up in the mountains, this one's known as the "Stinger of Snowdrifts".

4. A Steamroller to Kill Your (Slow) Enemies

It's huffing, it's puffing, it's slowly yet unstoppably rolling towards an unlucky (and slow) victim. Now their bones are being crushed extremely painfully while the evil villain cackles uncontrollably at the controls. We've all seen it, it's that one steamroller in every steamroller scene. The double drum roller of your dreams. The drivetrain engages in both forward and reverse, so you can double down on a flattened victim or catch someone by surprise.

5. The Box of Lost Souls

For the past eleven years, the Ebara Electric Dust Collector has been... collecting dust, electrically. If it lives up to its name, it might be the least capable industrial vacuum ever created. Or it might be a well-disguised Proton Pack from Ghostbusters. For just $60, you could confirm if there's the soul of ultimate evil trapped inside or just a lot of dust.

6. A Sketchy Scissor Lift

Explain to me how you even climb on this thing without dying an immediate, steel-entangled, death. It's all manually operated so you can blame someone directly for your demise. There's no information provided on how high this platform will take you, presumably because any height at all is too high.

7. A Tiny Dumper

Continuing the proud tradition of taking tiny loads anywhere: the tiny dumper. Want to take a tiny load of potatoes over the river and through the woods to your grandmother's house? Go right ahead. But best of all, after years of mediocre wheelbarrow rides you can finally give your friends an upgrade in the tiny dumper.

8. A Bigger Dumper

So, not everything in Japan is tiny and cute. Some things are bigger and cooler. Have you ever wanted to drive a tank? Of course you have. Have you ever wanted a sweet pick-up truck? Ridiculous question, of course. How about both combined? All that's left is to LS swap this thing and see if you can do a burnout with tank treads.

9. The Coolest Snowmobile Ever

This is the most Russian-looking Japanese vehicle ever made. It's also the coolest vehicle ever made. It's seen many winters of heavy snowfall in Myoko, the city surrounded by five mountains. All those winters have weathered the red-orange paint into a post-apocalyptic vibe that fits the aesthetic of this snowmobile perfectly. And just when you think it couldn't get any better– it's a five speed manual.

That's all for this week, thanks for browsing! Visit govplanet.com if you want to take a look at the full auction. Feel free to bid on anything other than the Ohara snowmobile– that's mine.