Woodpeckers on Crack

Recently, I’ve been noticing a trend that’s accelerating at a frightening rate, and it’s pissing me off. It’s happening all over the place, and I’m experiencing it no matter where I am or what I’m doing.

I’m a Canadian and believe me, we have the best manner muscles in the universe. Canadians are insanely polite. We even apologize for apologizing too much, it’s true. I’ve caught myself doing it several times, so if there's been a shift in the Canadian manners landscape I'd feel it, and believe me, I'm feeling it.

I've developed a theory about it, and I’ve even made an acronym for it: GIBCSALTIE. I can't pronounce it, but, I will tell you what it’s short for, Growing Impatience By Canadian Society At Large That’s Infecting Everything.

In the past six months, I’ve been the victim of this behaviour numerous times. I was willing to put the first few instances of bumping down to the masses not paying attention or being zoned out because of the monotony of the queue. But by the umpteenth infraction, I realized something serious was going on, something that’s threatening the very fabric of Canadian society.

Everything in Canada is going to rat shit because of the internet and smartphones. I don't want to bethat guy who blames everything on technology, but I'm telling you the proof keeps bumping into me, literally.

My theory is the more people become addicted to their mobile devices, the bigger their dependence on instant gratification. The greater this muscle memory of gratification goes up, the higher the impatience for even the slightest inconvenience rises.

Think about it, when you’re on your mobile phone and your checking, oh I don’t know, say what time a movie starts. You open up that theatre or film app and BOOM if those times or locations aren’t delivered instantly, I guarantee you that you’re tapping your phone like a coked-up woodpecker.

Or how about this one? You’re bored, you’re sitting in the washroom, doing your toilet business and your smartphone decides to slow down or unexpectedly crash. What happens next? I’ll tell you ... Irritation, impatience, anger ... All of which is fine, if you’re sitting on the throne by yourself, but outside in the real world, these emotions are dangerous and translate into something else if you carry them with you. You run the risk of becoming one of those. An IG, that’s code for "instant gratificationers."

You could be anywhere when it strikes, at the grocery store, waiting for a coffee, ordering a popcorn, with layered butter, it doesn’t matter, the point is there’s a queue of people waiting patiently in front of you, but you're expecting to be served instantly, regardless of those other good Canadians.

Line-ups are a part of life. No one likes them, but we accept them as a mild inconvenience—the price of a civilized society. At the best of times, it’s an opportunity to get to know a stranger. It can be a bonding experience, nothing brings people together more than a communal gripe about how slow a barista is or a cashier who can’t ring in a simple purchase.

My experience is my experience, and I might be projecting, but I don’t think so. My Canadian manner radar was inspected last year and given a resounding “all clear.”

What’s more disconcerting is the size of the line-ups themselves while this has been happening.

None of them have been epic, okay, maybe the one for popcorn at the Cineplex in Oakville was ridiculous, but the rest of them have been reasonable, necessary day to day line-ups that everyone experiences in their lives.

The scariest incident was at the grocery store. I was in line. The cashier was about to start scanning my items when this other dude bumps into me. Picture this, there's no one behind him, and I'm the only person in front of him, and I'm also in the express lane. I've only got seven items to be scanned, but still, he bumps me like it's the end of days and he's in a scramble to buy his food so he can rush back to his bunker before the big one.

It felt like he was trying to walk through me. So I turn around, after the collision, and in my best non-angry, but angry Canadian voice say, “Uh, excuse me, but I think you want to say excuse me*?” He just stared at me like I’d accused him of being dumb enough to buy porn on the internet. After a prolonged stare on my part, he finally mumbled, “Oh, right, sorry.”

*Note: Canadians say, “excuse me,” twice in most casual conversations.

What’s terrifying for this Canadian is it’s not just the line-up slams that are escalating, it’s also the hovering incidents. I'll be in a line-up somewhere, waiting for whatever it is and I can feel someone inching closer to me every-time the line slinks even a millimetre forward.

This practice has gotten to the point where I’ve had to turn around several times and tell my fellow citizen, who is not acting at all like a Canadian, “Excuse me, but you know squishing into me isn’t going to make her check out the groceries any faster.”

I’m terrified of what this behaviour might lead to. The very fabric of Canadian society is crumbling in front of me, line-up by line-up.

I only hope I’m wrong and pray that for some inexplicable reason the new cologne I’m wearing is triggering some sort of bump response.

I’ll continue to monitor the situation, but in the meantime, everyone can do their part.

The next time you have to go to the bathroom and you know you're going to be a while, don’t take your smartphone. Bring a book You’ll be saving my country—Canada.