TWO CHICKS ONE BOAT

“HOUSEBOAT ADVENTURES HERE WE COME!” I yelled over the music. We were on our way to the largest swamp in America.

Our conversation was light as we drove through the wetlands towards Baton Rouge. The Boat rental place is located in Jennings, Louisiana and that is pretty much all we know. Alaina flipped through the information we printed out at the hotel before we hit the road as we drove through the wetlands. She read me some of the interesting facts about the birds and other wildlife in the area that we might see while we are out there. I was starting to get a little nervous and hoping that the pictures on the website weren’t deceiving. I didn’t want anyone to back out at the last minute so I kept my doubts to myself.

We started to look for a grocery store to get our supplies once we got closer. There turned out to be quite a few towns on our way to Jennings which reassured me that we were not going to be too far off the beaten path. Kristy didn’t even budge in the back seat when we stopped at a Piggly Wiggly Grocery in the Middle of No-where-ville. I got out and stretched my legs while Alaina dashed inside to get our survival groceries. There really wasn’t much to see. The buildings looked run down, and judging by the flyer taped to the soda machine outside; it looked like the most exciting thing that was happening this weekend was a Senior Citizens Dance at some Baptist Church. “Oh fun!” I thought to myself sarcastically. I smoked a cigarette and reviewed the map on the hood of the car while I waited for Alaina to finish the shopping.

“Where are we?” I heard a voice ask from the back window. “And why is everyone coming in and out of that store wearing overalls and rubber boots?” Kristy inquired genuinely as she yawned and stretched in the back seat.

“We are about 10 minutes away from where the House Boat place is. Alaina is inside getting the groceries.” I replied. I looked around to see what she was talking about. Yes, the locals in this town were definitely interesting; which made me wonder how the owners of Houseboat Adventures were going to be.

“It is sooooo hot here”, she said as she waved her hand around as though it was a fan.

“It will be better once we get there and get near the water, “ I reassured her. At least I was hoping it was going to be. I was actually thinking the same thing. The temperatures felt as though they were climbing just while we were at the grocery store. I was hoping that our houseboat had air conditioning. I didn’t really think about the fact that April in Louisiana can feel like the middle of summer in Missouri when I was planning this excursion.

After what seemed like hours of listening to Kristy snoring softly in the backseat; Alaina came out of the store with a shopping cart piled to the top. I noticed the glances people were giving her as she came out of the store. Men had their mouths open and girls were shooting her dirty looks. She definitely stood out in this town. Alaina was six feet tall without shoes on. Her shoulder length dark brown hair was flowing behind her as she strutted across the parking lot with our groceries and looked as though she just stepped off a fashion runway. The sandals she had on added a good two inches to her height and her dark tan legs looked a mile long. She made the simple ten dollar sun dress look like it came from a high class store in New York or California. She flashed me a perfect smile and adjusted her sunglasses to the top of her head as she stated in an innocent tone, “Well that was an interesting experience.”

“She any potential husbands in there?” I asked jokingly.

“Oh well Jo Bob the butcher wanted to show me his meat” she replied casually as she loaded the bags into the back of the car. “He had one eyebrow, was covered in scary tattoos and was absolutely charming” she added sarcastically.

“Only one eyebrow?” I laughed so loud that we got several looks from other people in the parking lot and it jolted Kristy awake.

“Geez we are still here?” Kristy moaned in the backseat. “What’s so funny?” she asked.

“Alaina is engaged to a man named Jo Bob.” I could barely get the words out without laughing as I jumped in the front seat. “We will just have to get him on the way back girl. This is a ladies only weekend”

“I think I will live.” Alaina said as she got in on the other side.

She got out her camera and shot off a few pics of the town we were in while I was driving. After fields of sugar cane, several cow pastures, a couple of half harvested corn fields, and a lot of run down houses later we found the road we needed to take.

When we saw the sign that stated: HOUSEBOAT ADVENTURES THIS WAY; we all yelled. “YEAY!!!!!” It directed us up and over a levee to the waterfront.

“So this is the swamp?” I asked myself out loud as I looked at all the fishing boats and flat boats lined up against the dock.

“The Henderson Swamp.” Alaina added as she read it off the travel brochure she grabbed off the dashboard.

I continue to follow the handmade wooden signs that were posted everywhere that directed me where to park. When I finally got out of the car, I looked around in all directions to take in the atmosphere of the place. To someone that didn’t know us; we looked lost and very out of place. I wasn’t overdressed at all. But I could tell by the stares from the group of fisherman unloading their boats; that we weren’t your average guests in this area. I had even kept it simple today and just had on some cargo shorts, tank top and converse tennis shoes. But no amount of clothing could hide the artwork that I liked to cover my body with or my dyed bright brick red hair that I had piled on top of my head in a messy twist. I was also a tall girl. At 5’10”; Alaina and I next to each other looked like we were Amazon women. Kristy stumbled out of the car adjusting her mini skirt and frilly tank top. She ran her fingers through her bouncy blonde hair and leaned down to fix the strap of her sandals. She looked around as though she was looking for the closest bar. She put on her best game face and pointed towards the small wooden shack that had a sign that said “WELCOME NIEGHBOR!” and underneath “check-in.” There was an old man in overalls minus a shirt sitting outside with a dog that looked as though it was going to die at any moment. We heard several whistles coming from the group of fisherman and decided to just smile and ignore them as we walked to the camp office.

The old women behind the counter in the office smiled a smoke stained smile as she greeted us when we walked in. “Well Bonjour, how can I help you?” she asked as though we were about to ask her for directions. She was already reaching for a road map when I informed her that we were here to check in. “Oh, how many is in your group?” she inquired looking over her tinted glasses.

“Three.” I replied and pointed to Alaina and Kristy who were already distracted by the rack of t-shirts and hats with alligators on them.

“Yall don’t have your husbands coming too?” The old lady asked bluntly with her thick Cajun French accent.

“Um no it’s just us,” I responded bravely as I pushed my credit card towards her. “We booked a houseboat for two nights.” I smiled sweetly and complimented the stuffed raccoon she had mounted on the wall behind her hoping that would distract her from the fact that we were alone and not lesbians.

I watched her gather all the brochures about the area, a floor plan of the houseboat we were going to be on and the key. I could hear her mumbling something in French under her breath and I am guessing that it is something about us being stupid to go out in the swamp alone. She then yelled out the side window for someone named “Zeb”. I could hear a male voice speak back to her in Cajun French as he walked inside, “Que voulez-vous?” Zeb turned out to be the old man sitting outside chewing tobacco with the dying dog. He grinned and instructed us to get all of our stuff and put it at the end of the dock. When we finished lugging what seemed like three carloads of luggage and groceries we were already red faced and sweating like we just got done jogging. I wasn’t surprised at all when I saw Zeb push over a wheel barrel and start packing our belongings in it.

“Yalls boat is number 3. Git yer stuff down there with this and I will go get my boat ready.” Zeb said with an accent that I could barely understand.

I grabbed the wheel barrel and had Kristy and Alaina on both sides in case it tipped over. The last thing I wanted to see was all of things falling off the pier. We were able to get all of our stuff to the deck of number 3 in just two trips. I looked at what was to be our home for the next two nights and was actually surprised. It was a floating cabin. I couldn’t believe it had a kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, and front porch. We all walked around inspecting every part of our new temporary home with a lot of “Oh look at this” and “Cool check this out!”. Perhaps this wasn’t going to be so bad as I started to think when we checked in. It seemed to be equipped with everything we needed. Without warning; we felt the cabin start to move. I looked out the back window and saw Zeb behind the wheel of a small tug boat. He was actually pulling us out of the docking slot and down the canal. Alaina immediately grabbed her camera without hesitation and started taking photos and Kristy grabbed a beer out of the cooler. I made myself comfortable on the front porch swing with my video camera, a soda and my cigarettes. After pulling us out of the canal, Zeb repositioned his boat to another side of the cabin and pushed us through the swamp. We all sat on the front porch once the direction changed to see where we were headed. It looks like we were heading into the thick of the swamp and winding canals. The shore disappeared behind us quickly as we were engulfed with trees and Spanish moss. I could hear Zeb yelling over his motor “Nous sommes presque au bout! We are almost there girls!” And within a few minutes he was slowing down and positioning the floating cabin in between two trees. I watched him tie a line from our cabin to a large tree and then come aboard to our deck.

“Do yall need me to show you girls how to work everything?” Zeb asked as he walked toward the bedroom and opened the sliding door. I assumed that meant to follow him and to listen to what he had to say regardless of what we know. After all this was Zeb’s territory and I didn’t want to come off as a snotty know-it-all tourist. So we all nodded and followed him. “Dis here is yer generator. It gives you power and runs on gas.” He spoke to us slowly as if we were mentally retarded children. It was still hard to understand him because while he was talking and showing us how to turn everything off and on and how to work the plumbing he would slip into speaking Cajun French without realizing. “Dat there is yer boat, dat runs on gas too” he joked sarcastically as he pointed to the flat boat that was attached to the cabin. Mental Note; that was our only way out of the swamp if this guy doesn’t come back to get us. “Ah Cher also if de Bar-B-Q pit on de deck gets to big kick it overboard.” I assumed that he meant if the fire from the pit got out of control he would rather lose the pit than the boat. He ran down a long list of things to remember while we were out here and I wondered about halfway through if these were things he told every guest. “T'es fou, regarde autour de toi? So what yall doing out here? ” He asked as he came back from his boat with an extra cooler and can of gas.

“Adventure.” Kristy stated flatly as she popped open her third beer. I tried to distract Zeb from her sarcasm and added “She is a photographer”, as I pointed to Alaina, “and I am hoping to one day be a travel writer.”

He looked all three of us up and down and chuckled to himself. “Well remember to not leave any food out or the coons and gaters will climb aboard. I will see you girls day after tomorrow around dis here time.” And pointed to a clock on the wall that I don’t think was working. “If yall need anything you can take the flat boat to the shore. Salut, et bonne route! ”, and pointed at the direction we came from. We waved at him as he sped away on his tug boat as though he was a solider going off to war.

“I thought he would never leave!” Kristy exclaimed and walked over to her purse and pulled out a small flask of booze from her purse. “Let’s get this party started!”