Ram Ramblings

Heading home from South Padre Island a few days ago, we rolled to a routine stop at a Border Patrol checkpoint. An officer approached to ask our citizenship and destination, taking a cursory look into the vehicle at the two ladies in front, two teen ladies in back, and one lady dog on the center console. Being the Southern hospitality goddess that I am, I asked if Robert Crunk was on duty (not knowing for sure if he was on a shift or if this would even be his post), but before the officer could process my question, some sort of warning sound emanated from the device in his hand; he glanced at it, and in a slightly less routine manner he looked at all of us and asked "Have any of you had a major medical procedure recently?"

Momentarily silenced and puzzled by this question, we all just stared, and I may have said "Huh?"

He became visibly agitated. "I'm detecting radiation."

I asked, "What sort of medical procedure? I don't THINK so....."

My co-pilot was quiet, as was teen Rachel in the back; teen Adrianna blurted "Rachel has metal in her foot, just saying," and began to nearly hyper-ventilate (not sure why).

Officer Radiation Detector called over his shoulder for back-up, "Hey, we have radiation over here, are you guys picking up anything?" And 2 more officers shot toward us, devices pointed ominously at the CRV.

In my head I said "I just bought this car and they did NOT disclose the plutonium hidden in the panels," while simultaneously strongly repressing the urge to, in my best Marvin the Martian imitation (I do a MEAN Marvin the Martian voice): "Oh goodie! My Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator." "Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!" "Oh! I'm going to blow it up. "This makes me very angry, very angry indeed."

As it turned out, the "leak" was emanating from a different vehicle and we were waived through without ever determining if Bobby was there, and before Adrianna could pass out in the back. (She was certain the jig was up and we were in TROUBLE, but I don't know why). Paige Roy expressed gratitude that we did not need to call Mom Allison from Mexican jail.

I took a moment to ACTUALLY share some Marvin the Martian, drawing out some laughs from the girls, with the Po-Po safely out of earshot.

Not long after this, a state Trooper sent up the bat signal in my rear-view, to which I uttered "NOW what? I'm not speeding," (a miracle in itself). I dutifully pulled over, and Officer CHIPS approached on the passenger side. My new (paper) plates are out-of-date.... since the car came from Oklahoma, where things are different than they are here in Texas, I tried to answer his questions - but I don't really know the Oklahoma way, either. I wandered off thusly: "Jessica in accounting kept having issues with the paperwork and we had some very stilted conversations about the mileage, she was supposed to send me...... yada yada yada..."

Officer CHIPS visibly restrained his laughter and interrupted, "Ma'am, I can't hear you. I caught "Jessica" and "issues".

I said, "Oh! Well you got the important parts!"

Paige may have crossed herself, lo though she isn't Catholic; Adrianna may have been speaking in tongues; Rachel remained silent through our brushes with the law. (A cool customer, that Rachel).

We got a warning.

I thanked the Officer and wished him well, put the hammer down and hit 90 miles per hour while he was still getting back in his car. Undaunted, back to singing with Lady Gaga about a Bad Romance.

In my head: "You threw off my GROOVE!"..... cue the officer being thrown off a cliff.

My running mental commentary is all cartoons and snark.

Who wants to go on a road trip????

"I'll drive!!!" - Fred, Scooby Doo