Message from the light

Light has never effected me this way. I've never woken up or gone to sleep this early in my life.

Sleeping in a car feels like involuntary camping. It feels like that trip that I didn't want to take, but knew I had no choice in the matter. Actually, I better get used to it, because it's now. Right now. It feels like a moment in reality I can't believe I'm in, so I find solace in the pure cinematic nature of life.

- Trying To Keep My Clothes Clean, but eating in the car with a wheel in your lap is food's greatest obstacle.

- Finding a good sleeping position in a small car. The One Time Being Tall Didn't Come In Handy.

- Renting A Car Everyday Just To Be Able To Sleep In It Every Night.

- Showering at local gyms, Where The Oldest Of Men Roam Butt Naked Freely.

I wonder if my life is preparing for a huge turn. I sit here sometimes and look out, wondering how nice it is to have a home. How nice it is to be on the otherside of this journey I am on. I sometimes fool myself during the day with thoughts of how enjoyable driving is. Craddling an idea that where I'm sleeping isn't the two seats behind me. The charade becomes transparent when the sun sets. When I have to position all of my belogings in a way so I can fit. When I wish to lay down, but my baggage is in the way.

When I finally find a position, I relish in it. I lay all the way down. I lay down with my arms around my things, my feet touching the steering wheel, my torso stretched over the middle console, and my head pushing in the corner of the door and the back seat. I stare out at the night outside my window and my mind begins to roam free. An open eyed meditation:

When am I ever not in this situation?

I always have my things inside of someplace with windows. I'm usually sleeping in that same place. Aren't we all?

Why do I feel that this situation deserves so much attention?

Do I not like it because I didn't write it in my fantasy story of my futrue?

Light flashes in the dark outside of the window, someone looks in as I look out. What do you do in a moment when someone flashes a light on your situation? Its' shine feels like the spotlight where I didn't want it.

Wait, wait...This is not my good side.

It's so odd how in the day time, I just feel like a man with a car. At night I feel like a man with only a car. I stare into the light and the keeper of the light quickly flashes it to the ground. One person knowing where I am feels like an itch. At any moment he can point to the car and say, "There is a guy in there and he barely fits."

Now I am no longer relishing, I'm super mustard right now. I pull myself from my lay down to find myself in the driver seat again. By the afternoon, I'm usually ready to leave the car in the desert so being back here is no treat. I start the car with a huff and turn on the headlights. I have no idea where I'm going but I know sleeping in this neighborhood won't be comfortable. Right now, I live in the shadows. I guess that is my destination. As I drive off I look down a long block. This one road that seems to go on into forever. There are green lights on both sides of the road staring at me, shining. They are telling me that I am good to go. I am on a path and I am encouraged to move forward.

By all means.

Be our guest.

These lights shine to me like earthbound stars shining a universal hello of progress. Each one I pass tells me to keep going, that I will make it. That there is nothing to worry about. I know it is possible. I don't even need to know what it is, but with this light I am encouraged to move forward anway. Everything is fine at this point. The lights ahead of me began to change. As they turn yellow to red and I gradully slow, this stop feels different than any other I'd felt recently. As I take a moment to stay still and wait, I understand that the moments I stop are the moments I give the universe a chance to move too.

Sometimes I will be required to move to make it happen. Sometimes I will be required to stop. In both times, I am learning to look towards the light.