Everest Base Camp

Base camp was difficult physically AND emotionally. It's taken quite some time to process, recover, and be able to eloquently articulate why I chose to do this bat shit crazy thing and just how bloody hard it was. And, how something else much bigger, was even harder. Here is my story.

Part 1 - Why?

I had checked out. I wasn’t even making facial expressions. My friends thought I was catatonic. Maybe I was. But I had to shut down.

I had my heart broken unexpectedly, no reason given, and was then completely cut off.

Four days into that confusion and hurt, I received the phone call nobody ever wants to receive, telling me a close family member had been diagnosed with cancer.

Two weeks later, my beautiful uncle passed away.

Fuck.

The fun, happy, adventurous ginger Jordie was gone. I was pretty numb, occasionally bewildered, but mainly blissfully numb. I stared at walls, into space, or into the face of my friends who were apparently having conversations with me. They must have been so worried. x

The tears eventually came, like a tsunami. They just flooded in and subsumed everything. I went under.

Relentless. It's funny how quickly one can adapt. I could wake up crying, get dressed crying, eat breakfast crying, drive crying, work crying, play basketball crying, make dinner crying, have a shower crying and fall asleep crying. Pretty neat, huh? This was my life.

I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to.

And then, floating about, I started to struggle. I started to juggle. Pain, worry, and grief. I managed it, but I was far from proficient when the rude introduction of the anger ball got thrown in. Hello, friend!

I raged at the injustice of the world. My world. I screamed in my car on the highway, and at home in my lounge room, I threw the remote across the room and chucked a plate up the wall.

None of these crappy events were my fault. I had been a good person. I’d tried so hard. I didn’t deserve this, my family didn’t deserve this. IT JUST WASN’T FAIR!

I started to try and make sense of it all. I felt that I could be the best human and do everything I thought was right at the time and still be served a giant maggot-filled shit sandwich for dinner. Yum. Thank you, higher powers that be. I eat with delight.

Terrifying! To realise that no matter what I did and how I tried to protect myself and my family, really, people could be taken away or abandon you in an instant.

I began to hate the world. I started to feel myself turn into someone I didn’t like. You know, the person that had something bad happen to them and they never got over it. The person with big chip on their shoulder. This is why people are arseholes.

I had a new sense of compassion for those people that don’t smile back at me in the street and all those nasty social media trolls. Those people are in pain and operating from their fear. Hurt people, hurt people. I get it now. I definitely didn’t want to pass on my hurt to anyone else.

I started to be a lot more conscious about how I was feeling and what the consequences for me and others might be if it continued. If I kept resisting "what is."

I felt a little spark. It intrigued me as it grew over time. It started as a little whisper in my ear from behind, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up… and soon turned into that angry yet compelling command circling my insides. A tad forceful “screw you” to how all this was currently affecting me.

My life would not be defined negatively by this. This spark, this thought, it made me want to do something BIG to flip the bird to the universe. "You think you can throw me such crappy experiences and break my spirit!? You think that I’m done? Screw you."

I was still a bit angry sure, but I was waking up, I was getting up, and I knew I needed to let go. But how?

I had been so very low, I may never have this opportunity again… to go EVEN LOWER.

Oooooh that's good. Deep groany sigh. Strip back, take more things away, the basics of my comfortable human existence please. Whatever was behind all this, it truly had my attention.

“TAKE IT ALL!” I surrendered to it.

And that my dear friends is the reason WHY I decided to throw myself deep in the mountains, thousands of miles from home.

Take away the warmth, decent food, showers, western toilets, energy and please, please take away the air that I breathe. Complete surrender. Letting go of what’s supposed to happen and what I’m supposed to have and letting things flow. Seeing what the hell am I made of when things are really tough and really uncertain.

Part 2 - Go Time

I told NO ONE that I was going to Nepal to trek for two weeks trying to reach Everest Base Camp. It was just really personal and also, I was pretty determined to make it to camp but hey, bad weather, altitude sickness, injury, infection... It just might not work out...

There were so many things that would be outside my control. ***GULP*** That was the scary part. I was throwing myself into a situation where many things can and regularly do go wrong. BUT THAT'S WHAT I WAS HERE FOR! To face that fear of uncertainty, of having even the basics taken away. Why did that make me feel so DAMN excited?! Show me what you got!

I flew to China and then into Nepal. I met my crew and fellow trekkers, we flew on to Lukla—one of the most dangerous airports in the world, on our little ten seater "plane" bouncing around in the air pockets like a dying blow fly.

It was one of those experiences where you knew you could die, but you were just completely in adrenalin and awe—the mountains we flew through (not over) were just breathtaking and that TINY little runway… we can’t possibly be landing on that thing—OH MY GOD WE ARE LANDING ON THAT THING! My first test. Zero control, might die. Didn’t die.

This is real.

The next day, we began the trek with a lazy 9-hour climb. I won’t give you the blow by blow recap of the next eight days but they were LONG, they were STEEP, and they were the most BEAUTIFUL sights I have ever seen.

Totally worth all the peeing I had to do… behind the trees, houses, rocks, people standing guard or just on an exposed corner of the track.

It was worth not being able to shower for two weeks, skin so dry I looked 90 years old, the blisters, the stomach upset from the food, the frozen toilets that you didn’t notice until it was far too late, the card games we lost to the Sherpas because they were CHEATING, the epic sunburn, the freezing sleepless nights, the dehydration, the aching muscles, the unbearable pressure headaches and breathlessness, the screaming in pain on the side of a mountain at your hands that despite two pairs of gloves, had gone beyond numb into a new level of excruciating pain and still being 30 minutes away from hot water to save my pinkies from frostbite.

It was extreme. But I was bloody determined :)

Every time I felt like giving in I would repeat, "I am the greatest, I am the strongest, I am the best" and refuse to stop. I’d smash my walking sticks into the ground in frustration as I chanted those very words. Seems very up myself, very Muhammad Ali—but it worked and stuff it, I was strong.

I told my brain what I wanted and my brain made my body comply. I commanded myself.

Eight days of this. Up.

D-day: we walked a hard 7-hours incline to a little town at the end of the Earth called Gorak Shep, I can’t imagine what crimes people must have committed to have been sent here to work in exile. A desolate, frozen hell. I’m wearing five layers of clothes plus snow gear. Two hoods, two beanies, and a face mask. Just a slit for my eyes.

It’s really hard to exist above 5,000 metres. The altitude... I can’t eat but I’m hungry and completely out of energy and I can’t relax because I can’t breathe!

Some of the crew are quite sick. One has to be taken down very quickly. It’s NEGATIVE 25 degrees Celsius and in this terrible state, I shoved rice in my hole, threw my fork down, got up the hell up, put my bag on my back and walked out the frikin door and into the white.

This was it.

Three more hours we walked.

There’s nothing alive up there, except us. Ice, rock, and just unimaginable scenery. I can’t even explain what I saw. My god, this world is just...

I didn’t talk to anyone along the way. It was hard to be civil. We were solitary soldiers until... my friend yelled “Look! There it is!" And I SAW IT. I saw Base Camp off in the distance.

Shit yes! Shit yes! Shit yes! Ooooh there's that fire in the belly ;) I could see with my own eyes what I’d come for. I marched toward it faster than I’d walked all trek. I didn’t feel a thing. The pain was gone.

I arrived.

Our crew hugged each other, we high fived each other, we chest bumped each other. After the elation, the photos, the jumping... we became a quieter bunch as the enormity of what we had achieved sunk in. We sat in the ice, drank honey and lemon tea, and reflected.

Months earlier, I’d been at a real low point and now I was at my highest. Literally!! And I made it all happen, yes me! This is what I was made of!!!! I smiled. I cried.

I didn’t feel the need to flip the bird to the sky. I wasn’t angry any more. I didn’t have anything to prove. I was at peace—everything was going to be ok. For the rest of my life.

I was supposed to be here—it was supposed to happen this way.

The universe had something really powerful and beautiful to show me, to teach me, that I could get through anything. The universe wasn’t my enemy. It had just shown me that I was on the wrong path. The universe had my back!

And that, my beautiful friends, is the vision I want to leave you with, a rugged up Jordie, high up on the mountain looking back down at the world, completely at peace, knowing exactly what she’s made of… giggling away.

Part 3 - Coming Home

To the person the that hurt me so very much, your treatment of me is not a reflection of my worth, it’s a reflection of you, your pain, and your fear. I forgive you. I hope you’re ok and I pray you have the strength to face things and heal from whatever ails you. Breaking up was one of the best things that ever happened to me. x

My family member is completing the last rounds of Chemo and it's all looking good. I’m so thankful it was picked up early. Love you. x

My uncle, of course, can’t be brought back, but he was such a joyful man and we were so lucky to have him. I smile when I think of him, likely roller skating to Skyhooks with a beer in hand up there. x

To my friends who were just so great to me, thank you so much. I love you. x

Base camp was hard, sure, but after everything that happened... me letting go, surrendering, having faith in myself, I know that was the truly brave part. I loved myself enough to not resist "what is" and suffer, but to accept my path and rise.

I have love in my heart for myself, for others, and for this amazing world once more and beyond what I’ve ever felt before.

I will finish with a quote from Vishen Lakhiani:

“Life is full of highs and lows. Every crappy experience I’ve had has led to some significant insight or awakening that boosted the quality of my life and made me stronger. Trust that the universe is correcting your path and in hardship, preparing you for an extraordinary life.”

I AM SO VERY GRATEFUL. x

🙏