Antarctic Key Chain

ANTARCTIC KEY CHAIN

My distinctive job is at a comedy club.

I am a doorman. I work and seat the crowds and start the shows and handle things.

No, I do not wear a cape! Not yet….

We do a lot of different things at the comedy club that are unusual for a chuckle-hut, and one of them is we do community fundraisers.

People don’t usually think to hold a fundraiser at a comedy club, anywhere, really, but hey: they work well and we bring in new clientele and people all laugh! It’s a Win-Win!

We normally do fundraisers for regular things like health programs and local kids’ sports teams; but today was going to stand out in my world of stand-up.

My co-worker’s roommate Jeremy was having a fundraiser for his engineering team to go to Antarctica. My ears perked up. I thought: “How cool is this?”

My coworker introduced me to Jeremy, who is organizing this fundraiser. Jeremy explains the fundraiser is to help cover some of the flight costs. He explained how he and his fellow-student-engineering team were going to fly to Antarctica and do some geological tests and studying of the ice flow of Antarctica.

I responded that that is pretty nifty!

Before that, Jeremy told me how they’ll spend a few days in Buenos Aires, Argentina before they fly off to Antarctica.

How cool!

I joked with him: “Wow, Jeremy, I respect how you and your buddies just weren’t content to simply be cold here in Ottawa, Canada, eh? So, you felt you have to be cooler and be colder WAY over on the other side of the planet!! It’s cooler to be colder down where population numbers totally smolder, eh?”

Jeremy laughed; a bit perplexed that I came up with that right on the spot!

“Well, there may not be a large population of humans, but the penguins sure have a different march and input on that!” He responded.

“Them and Kurt Russell and John Carpenter, eh?”

He laughed.

Having been to Buenos Aires myself years earlier, I wrote down and provided Jeremy some details about it. I still remember where I ate the best steak I ever had in Argentina. He was very appreciative. I even threw in some bucks of my own for his fundraiser because I just thought I’d definitely support a bunch of young people doing something incredibly cooler than anything I’ve ever done before! Going to Antarctica? That is not something people do on the same advertised basis as, say, going to Las Vegas or Winnipeg!

Then I got an idea.

I collect key chains. I do have an immense and impressive collection of over 600 key chains at home, which I am very proud of.

Then I asked Jeremy if he could kindly bring me a keychain from Antarctica.

He politely offered: “Simon, if I see one: sure. But I’m not sure where I’ll find a souvenir shop amidst the glaciers, penguins, and the snowy Antarctic tundra where I’ll be camping!”

“What… I’m sure the camping penguins run a very lucrative cheap-crap-souvenir-stand down there!”

“I’ll tell them Simon says ‘Hi’ if I see one!”

We had a good laugh.

* * *

A little chunk of time passes.

It’s a busy, regular comedy night with only the wonderful-ness of the crowds and comedians and dedicated staff present. No fundraisers or bat-signals tonight.

I’m at work. Still-cape-free….

A tall, long-haired guy walks in. He walks up to me at my podium just before the line-up and the seating of the show begins.

Don’t recognize him.

He comes up to me.

“….Simon? Right?”

(Always flattered when they get my name right, and don’t verbally add an “L” or replace my vowels with an “E”…)

“Yeah. Whatever I did, chances are: I did it!” I jokingly confess.

“I’m Jeremy. You may not remember me…??...”

My blind mildly blanks….

“I had a fundraiser here a while ago. My roommate at the time worked with you?”

The guy seems a little familiar to me, but my mind is still a little hazy…

This guy, sensing the connection wasn’t getting through very quickly, (like my boss always feels) reaches straight into his pocket and produces a tiny familiar circular shape chained to an unusual shape…

“Well, Simon, sorry it got lost in the moves and Life, and I also forgot about it several times, but meant to remember, but: here’s your keychain from ANTARCTICA!”

He hands me a key chain. A tiny little beautiful key chain that fits in my hand, but overwhelms my heart.

Attached to a familiar key chain ring (How do those even get made/designed so tightly and precisely? Maybe I should’ve asked the engineer standing in front of me!) this guy hands me this one-inch-long, beautiful, gold, sturdy keychain of a detailed, diving fish with the blunt, fine lettering of the word “ANTARCTICA” stenciled onto it.

I am astonished!

“JEREMY!.. ANTARCTIC JEREMY!!” I shouted, startling his girlfriend!

“Ah,” -chuckling- “Knew you wouldn’t forget me, Simon. What do you think?”

My voice is agog. My arms are trembling.

“What on EARTH?? I- This is GREAT ! I-I-I-I am not even of Earth! IT’S- ITS WHAT I THINK IS! CLEARLY! WHOA!! This is not from POPULATED Earth! HOW???!”

Jeremy is chuckling. He can see he has made me undeniably happy.

“Wasn’t very easy to find, you are right…”

(Just a “regular” night at work…)

Through unstoppable, idyllic tears, I scream:

“That was SEVEN YEARS AGO!!!! SEVEN!!!!”

The record cut.

His girlfriend is shocked.

“You’re a REAL stand-up guy!” I blustered. (Offending any comedians whom overheard me cosmically.)

Jeremy goes wide-eyed, as, as he thought about it, for a second, where I had not….

That was a precise assessment of the amount of time that passed.

“Well, when we went was in my undergrad, and before I moved to Toronto, and that’s… correct, Simon. Wow. Seven years ago? Wow. Time flies. Good thing you’re still here, making us all laugh, eh? Nice. Well, again, sorry it took so long! Yeah… Thanks again, by the way: Those were really fantastic tips about Argentina. Never had a steak like that one. Thanks Again!”

“THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!!”

Jeremy shyly irks out “You’re welcome” as I am as clearly ecstatic as a kid at Christmas.

“Derek, no one, like, anywhere, does anything like what you’ve done! This COMPLETES my collection! I now have a key chain from EVERY continent! No one on EARTH has that! Wow!”

“I’m the last piece of a puzzle I never knew I was a part of, nice! Glad I welded it all together!”

His sweet girlfriend laughed.

I laughed. Not sure if that was a clever engineering joke or not, but I laughed through another tear and two…

“Well, let’s get you both set up with some awesome seats!!” I said, changing my seating floor plan around to maximize their enjoyment.

“Thanks, Simon!”

“Thank you! THANK YOU!”

After the show, Derek was a bit puzzled when his server had no bill to provide to him, but was assured when the server, and my friend, explained: “Yeah, Simon took care of your bill. He said if you try to pay for it, he will ‘send you BACK,,,’ whatever that means…”

Antarctic comedy is a gift,,,, a special gift,,,, that just keeps on giving….

THE END