An Eventful Journey

by Frankie Mae about a month ago in culture

Back in the days when we were able to take long train journeys... Ah January!

An Eventful Journey
Photo by Kasuma

Some people's idea of torture is watching a loved one in pain or being interrogated for information. My idea of torture is a long train journey... With crying children... And a hen party in the same carriage.

I'm not anti social by any means but seriously some people just have no awareness of the world around them! I mean would it be too much to ask for the parents to fill their baby's bottle with vodka or for the hen to accidentally get pushed under the train creating a more sombre and respectful atmosphere? I know exactly what you're thinking; why not book the quiet carriage? Well apart from the fact that they don't allow you to use devices like tablets etc even with headphones... I don't see why I should have to. Why should I have to suffer and change my life to accommodate people who give absolutely no consideration for others? Take this hen group for example. They've booked tickets separately, rather than as a group, and therefore their allocated seats are spread out throughout the carriage. Now instead of sitting in their twos and threes and keeping to themselves like any normal, considerate person would, they're continuing their conversations by shouting across the carriage at each other. Did I mention their also from Glasgow? Oh yes so not only are the rest of us having to listen to their drivel, we're having to listen to it in a high nasal accent. Think Rab C. Nesbit but 2 pitches higher and in surround sound...

Maybe network rail should consider separate carriages for families, groups, old people and singles. Like the XFactor. Seriously think about it; other families know what to expect with crying children and those annoying kids that insist on commenting on everything they see out of the window. The groups would be able compete amongst each other to see who can sing the worst football song at the highest decibel, whilst the old people sit in silence with their noses in their books, grumbling away to each other about the price of travel and comparing hearing aid makes. Meanwhile I will be able to enjoy my journey watching a film, reading my kindle or working in comfort. Bliss...

I fear that you may have gotten the wrong impression of me. I'm really not as bitter, twisted and cynical as I assume I have come across. I just get those days every so often where I fear for the human race, and instead of whipping out my travel umbrella and beating the hen party to a bloody pulp, I write. Call it venting if you will. But let's be honest for a moment, am I really voicing anything that you haven't thought a million times before yourself?

Two hours later I find myself heading in search of the toilet desperate for a few seconds peace. After lurching down the carriage and almost falling into the lap of a wheel chair passenger, I locate the toilet and press the ‘open’ button. I am greeted by an elderly man standing in front of the toilet, penis in hand and wearing a very confused expression... Awkward is NOT the word! I manage to stammer something that sounds like an apology and mention the lock button at which point he hurriedly presses said button and the door closes... very, very slowly!

After some awkward shuffling and a very red face on his part I eventually land on the toilet seat. As I sit there, doing the longest wee in history, a voice comes over the intercom no peace even in the toilet it seems. The voice calmly and politely announces that this is in fact a toilet and requests that passengers refrain from flushing foreign objects such as tampons, nappies, old mobile phones, your ex's jumper, unwanted bills or your hopes and dreams down the toilet... Good job I'm already on the loo or I probably would have pissed myself with laughter! I really, really hope that someone stole into the recording room and replaced the tape as a practical joke. More likely it’s just the recording artist reeling off a list of all the things she wishes she could flush away...

So after a very eventful trip to the lavatory I'm back in my seat, surrounded by noise and vaguely attempting to lose myself in an episode of 13 Reasons Why. Not that I heard anything he said over the clucking of the hens...

Frankie Mae
Frankie Mae
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Frankie Mae
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