An Anthropological Field Guide to Native and Invasive Airport Species

Abstract

When was the last time you were Home Alone-ing it through the airport? Barefoot? Sprinting for your life towards a gate that turns out to be wrong? For me it was this morning. I’m not quite sure my dignity has recovered; I mean my type A, over-planning high anxiety self had gotten my family to the airport over two hours before our flight departed, which for me was cutting it close. My family insisted it was plenty of time. Which means I now have an ace-in-the-hole I-told-you-so.

Even so, two hours should have been plenty of time. So what happened?

Introduction

In recent years, the airport ecological system has experienced a dramatic capitalism-driven shift. Several invasive predatorial species have thrown the delicate system out of balance by using their financial status in order to make it more difficult for other species, largely prey, to fly with ease despite the significant cost of flying for everyone. It is essential for those visiting the airport ecological system to have a working knowledge of the native and nonnative species in order to navigate without further disrupting the ecosystem.

Field Guide

Invasive Species:

Sky Priority (Cielum narcissus):

Colloquially known as “line jumpers,” Cielum narcissus is a parasitical disruption to the airport ecosystem. Part of the Egoaiatia family, the species is closely related to, and often indistinguishable from, species such as Ostentatioum haughticus and Personae importata, both members of the Egoaiatia family. Encounters with Cielum narcissus are unavoidable and almost always result in a minimum thirty minute delay for species lower on the food chain.

TSA Pre-check (Migratorio superiorium):

A nomadic species easily identified by their briefcases, suits, and predominantly weekday migration patterns. They are a solitary species, and do not travel well in herd formation. Migratorio superiorium are members of the order Wealthia, as are Cielum narcissus, Ostentatioum haughticus and Personae importata. Encounters with Migratorio superiorium are rare; though they are solitary creatures, they exclusively engage with their own species.

Delta One (Ostentatioum haughticus):

At the top of the food chain, this species engages in monetary “peacocking,” proud to show off that they don’t need extra cash for groceries; they can spend it on more leg room and complimentary wine. You do not encounter Ostentatioum haughticus; their elite status at the top of the food chain grants them access to rare and hidden habitats so they do not have to engage with lesser species.

Comfort Plus: (Personae importata):

A social species, colloquially known as “upper middle class.” Ruled largely by social structure, they are an inherently anxious species that remains determined to show that even though they may not be first class, they aren’t the bottom of the food chain either. Of all the species, Personae importata are the most vocal and most prone to attacking lesser prey species.

Main Cabin: (Peasantium impoverishae):

Colloquially known as “poor people,” Peasantium impoverishae is a prey species identifiable by their travel habits and their harried and frustrated expressions. Peasantium impoverishae are distinct for their early arrival to the airport, and notably always the last to board their flight. Their carry on bags are almost always involuntarily gate checked, so that the offspring of the Comfort Plus and Delta One have overhead storage space for their iPads.

Native Species:

TSA: (Intimidatum impatientus):

A herding species, identifiable by their distinctly aggressive communication patterns and lack of empathy. Intimidatum impatientus is the keystone species of the airport ecological system; however, they are best avoided if at all possible. If you do encounter Intimidatum impatientus in the wild, experts suggest keeping your tone calm and even while maintaining a nonaggressive posture. If you are singled out by an Intimidatum impatientus, it is best to surrender, as it is not a predator that can be subdued in its own territory.

Pilots: (Cielum Rex):

One of the few species with distinctive visual similarities (often variations of white, blue and gold) Cielum Rex are crucial to the airport ecological system. They are often sighted with a herd of Cielum amicus following close behind. Direct encounters with Cielum Rex are rare, but if you do meet one it is considered polite to extend verbal gratitude.

Flight attendants: (Cielum amicus):

Cielum amicus and Cielum Rex have a mutually beneficial relationship, and indeed it is impossible for one of them to fulfill their ecological function without the other. Cielum amicus are easily identifiable by their teeth baring facial expressions that serve to soothe and placate highly irritable species such as Personae importata. Cielum amicus is an engaging and welcoming species that you are likely to encounter frequently.

Conclusion

In an ecological shift that should surprise exactly no one, introducing capitalistic superiority to the airport has created a power differential that lends itself to chaos and the erasure of prey species such as Peasantium impoverishae. Measures to protect vanishing prey species such as boarding time based upon flight departure and not economic status are imperative to save the crumbling ecological system in order to preserve the airport ecosystem. If nothing is done, invasive species will force the prey species out of the system entirely resulting in complete system collapse.